This is my story
March 27, 2018 at 3:47 am #22668TigermanParticipant
I created an account here in this forums because I have no other place to tell my story with vaginismus…. and I felt I HAVE to tell someone, even if it’s anonymous
It started when we got married 4 years ago. We were engaged for 4 years before our marriage, and were living in seperate countries due to us studying in different universities
I’d visit her in our holidays and we spent time together, kissing and hugging, but never sex.. sex was kept for our wedding night
The separation was hard on us, but when we finally got married, I thought it would be the best night of my life..
I was 30, and I have never had sex before my marriage, not even kissed another girl or even dated.. I come from a conservative environment, and dating other girls or having sex before marriage was not allowed religiously and socially… same goes for my wife
My wife did express some fears regarding our 1st sex night, and she once requested that we would not have sex for 1 week after we got married..
I laughed implying that she was joking, and she laughed too to make me think that she really was joking
after the wedding, she wore her night gown, and looked very beautiful. we started foreplay, and then when we wanted to have penetrative intercourse ( I am sure you people heard this a million times), I felt i was hitting a brick wall. I could not get my penis into her vagina, and it’s as if she did not have a hole where all other women did. She would have an intense pain, push me, close her legs, backs away from me, and cry from the pain. We tried for like 3 hours, without success. We called it a night, saying that we have tommorrow to try again.
Come the bext day, same story again, no penetration, and even my erection died down, and became flaccid after awhile. I got angry, asking her ” why are you pushing me, why are you closing your legs?”. She started crying, I was miserable. She contacted her mother, and I contacted my mother (believe that), and all said that its fine and not a problem, a few days more and it will get fixed.
2 weeks later, we were not able to have sex. Every time, same thing happens again. I even brought lubricant, with no success. Her mother took her to the Gyne doctor, and the doctor explained the condition to my wife and her mothet. And even after the explanation, my wife understood something, and her mother understood another thing.. its as if they did not undetstand what the doctor said
Time went by, with lunricants and her enduring the pain, I was able to get the head of my penis into her vagina, though with great difficulty from her pushing me with her hands and closing her legs. I kept repeating that she should not push me and should not close her legs, she would say ok, but when i tried to insert again, she would push me and close her legs again.. this got me so damn frustrated
We would have sex like once a month, and she got pregnant.. now we have my most beloved kid, who is 1 year and 5 months old.. he is my world, and even after pregnancy and delivery, her vaginismus problem persists..
Now it became that we would have sex like once every 2 months, without my satisfaction… she would push me, she would get back, close her legs, and every time she endures immense pain and crying just to let me finish.. and I would finish, but not satisfied, as everytime we would finish, she felt bad and sad that she still has pain from sex
I started searching and reading and studying Vaginismus, and saw the SAMIRA AND FIRAS documentary on youtube.. man, that situation applies to my marriage 100%
I confronted my wife, told her that she has a problem that needed medical attention… that she had vaginismus, and its NOT her fault that she had it, but it can’t NOT be a problem after 4 years of marriage and she still has the same intense pain she had when we 1st had sex.. and then showed her the SAMIRA AND FIRAS documentary video on youtube.. I thought I have finally convinced her that we need to go to a medical professional
She cried, and told me to leave her alone. She then researched the condition behind my back (it showed on youtube history on our laptop) and then told me that if I want to have sex, I’d have to do it in doggy style if i want to without her having pain
I would insist on going to the doctor that we know and trust to fix the problem, but my wife refused totally to go to any doctor
We had sex doggy style a few times in the past few months, she would still have some pain, but not as much when we did it missionary style. She would HATE that i play with her vagina with my fingers, and would stand up if I did that. Sex was possible only with Lu ricant
I told her once that that is not enough, and that I want to have sex normally, in all positions, have fun with it, but she would say that that’s the only way, and she does not want to go to the doctor…
Now she is pregnant, and has a healthy pregnancy, and we do not have sex at all since she says that while she is pregnant, she gets nauscious when she comes near me
And once when I brought the condition up, she accused me of labeling her with a disease that she did not have!!! That she does not have vaginismus!!! That she is as normal as all other girls!!!
That statement pierced my heart in a million ways
That’s my story, and here are my thoughts
Now I am in a place where I have 1 kid and another on the way, but never had notmal sex, with a beautiful woman who gets intense pain with i even tough her vagina, and she refuses to seek medical help
she is so very sensitive, that if I ever cheat on her, she would be devastated and would ask for divorce, and that would create a bad family environment for my kids that I don’t want them to be in
Not saying that I want to cheat on her. In my religion, if I cheat on my wife, that’s a guaranteed ticket to hell that I don’t want to enter. I find myself attracted to all the female colleges at my work and all the females I see in my daily life… I find myself happy when I talk to them and sad when I talk to my wife… sexless marriage is like the worst thing anyone could ever have
If I open up the option of marrying another woman just for sex, my wife would be devastated as she is so damn sensitive and would consider the mere mentioning of the matter in its own cheating on her…
Sometimes I think of what I need to do in order to have sex normally. Either get my wife to see a doctor, and marry another one for a brief period just to experience sex and how it should be..
I really want to have sex normally.. I really do….
(Almost cried while writing that statement..)
I know that I may have no option other than staying in my sexless marriage, since I want a stable environment for my kids to live in, so I don’t know if I can recieve help from the people here in the forums, but I HAD to talk to someone about my story and my thoughts and feelings.. as I feel I am getting in a darker and darker place if I don’t talk to someone..
So sorry for the long post, please read it and understand my feelings
Thanks for bearing with itMarch 27, 2018 at 3:35 pm #22671Nicole Tammelleo, MA, LCSWParticipant
Glad you found our forum. I hope it was helpful for you to write your story down, as I know how difficult it can be to keep it all inside. I am not sure where you are located, but both of these organizations can be helpful in seeking treatment ISSWSH.org (International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health) or AASECT.org (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists.) It might also be helpful for you to reach out to speak with someone for you own wellbeing, as you need to take care of yourself. Thank you for sharing your story.March 30, 2018 at 11:53 am #22687Sks823Participant
Your story is very familiar and I understand your frustration.
This is such a tough situation for both of you, and I wholeheartedly understand how you feel. It seems your girlfriend is very frightened/in denial about having vaginismus (considering it a *disease* which it isn’t) – I think “vaginismus” sounds much scarier than it actually is! Her having vaginismus is *not* a bad thing (at first I thought it meant something was super wrong with me and I wasn’t ever going to be normal)! Vaginismus is COMPLETELY treatable! Maybe you can help her understand this so she feels less ashamed and reluctant to label herself as having it.
Using dilators (which you can read about HERE), whether by herself, with your help, or if she is able to go to her doctor or a women’s clinic that does dilation therapy, could ‘stretch’ her muscles to get them used to larger and larger dilators which could then help lessen her fear of sexual experiences with your penis. Which would then lead to a more normal sex life :). Since she refuses to go to a doctor currently, maybe you could tell her about dilators and ask her if she would be open to trying them on her own. It’s a good sign that she is able to have sex sometimes and had a good delivery, so maybe she wouldn’t need to go to a doctor or clinic for help with the dilators.
I hope you can be supportive, loving, and patient. It is also important for your girlfriend, if she does want to eventually be able to have comfortable sex, to take steps to do so. I would avoid ultimatums (e.g., “if you don’t try to get help I’m going to divorce you”), but tell her that you think it is important and fair for her to take some action (even if small steps at first) to overcome vaginismus and her fear of penetration that comes with it. Not for just your benefit, but for both yours and hers. Small steps to overcome vaginismus could be in the form of: buying a dilator set, making an appointment with a doctor/women’s health clinic or specialist, or even starting out by looking through this forum to read all of the success stories to give her the confidence that she *WILL* be able to overcome this.
Vaginismus can be a lonely and shameful thing until you realize there are many others going through the same thing, and even more who have overcome it. Has she seen this forum? Many people who can’t get a tampon in (me) were able to overcome vaginismus with the use of dilators (I went to Maze women’s clinic because I couldn’t do dilators on my own at first). I think the use of dilators to get her muscles used to the feeling of something larger inside her could be incredibly beneficial.
I hope this makes sense – definitely let me know if you have any questions or concerns good luck and we are all here for you and your wife. And congratulations on your wife’s pregnancy!March 31, 2018 at 12:06 am #22697recessivegenequeenParticipant
Hi Tigerman, thank you for sharing your story – it’s a difficult thing to open up about, and I feel for all the frustration and helplessness you are experiencing. It’s truly an awful situation to find yourself in and I’m glad you asked for our help.
First of all, I think it’s important to understand why I think your wife has refused to go to the doctor even though you have figured out what is likely causing the painful sex. Speaking as someone who has had (and overcome) vaginismus, the amount of shame a woman feels about not being able to do something that seems like such a basic part of being human is almost unbearable. There’s embarrassment and self-loathing that gets so deeply rooted into a person that it becomes nearly impossible to imagine a life without vaginismus. It becomes something you try not to think about but believe you’ll always have to live with. The prospect of treatment can actually be really scary for women with vaginismus because it means confronting a lot of those difficult emotions while also fearing more pain and discomfort. Understandably, some of them resist the idea of treatment for awhile even if some part of them understands that it will help them in the long run.
Your wife won’t be able to be treated for vaginismus until she is ready – so much of the problem is psychological, so no one can be FORCED to cope with it before they want to. My advice would be to encourage your wife to go to some form of emotional counseling (Which you should also do yourself, separately) so that she can begin to come to terms with this issue and possibly begin to open herself to the idea of treatment. You can encourage her, find more information to educate her with (especially about the high rates of treatment success!), and like Sks823 suggested, get some dilators and talk to her about the possibility of trying to dilate. This will be hard for you both and will demand a lot of you, but a good sex life IS possible for both of you! I believe you can do the work, but you also need to take care of yourself. We are here to support you however we can.April 3, 2018 at 4:38 pm #22742Sks823Participant
Sorry I meant to write wife*** in my previous post but accidentally wrote girlfriend once.
Another quick note (to this and your other post) because, like recessivegenequeen noted, there are a lot of unique reasons why vaginismus patients don’t want to seek treatment… I was looking at some FAQ on this website all about vaginismus and this is something specific that I actually struggled with before treatment.
Another relevant FAQ asks how men can help their wives.
“Fortunately, vaginismus is a condition that has positive treatment solutions (as opposed to other debilitating conditions with few treatment options). Couples are elated at reaching treatment completion and pain and penetration problems are no longer an issue. For previously unconsummated couples, going from impossible intercourse to having full, pain-free intercourse is a realistic, normal outcome.
Going through the trials of vaginismus can definitely test a relationship, but successfully going through treatment together can also strengthen it. Encouragement, love, patience, and communication can go a long way in helping to sustain relationships. By overcoming together, couples will be able to begin afresh in creating new and pleasurable sexual experiences and enjoy a strengthened relationship in the process.”
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