The truth will set you FREE…

[heather123]

My story in short:
-Husband and I are both virgins back in 2009 when we got married, then 4 years no sex.
-Tried EVERYTHING
-Went through every angry situation you can imagine.

But my husband stayed with me through it all.
He always reminded me of how lucky I am because any other man would’ve left. Which I have no doubt is true.

I had my procedure at Dr. Pacik’s office June 9th, 2014.
It was a traumatic experience for me, but it needed to happen.
My husband was by my side the entire time.

At this moment, I’m only able to insert a size #2 dilator after 15 minutes.
But this is better than 3 hours it used to take.

Anyway, as my emotions from the trip began to settle. I figured the key ingredient for myself to quickly emotionally heal and be less vulnerable when dilating is to find a way to make myself happy. I took myself shopping, visited my parents, went out and had fun with my cousins… just anything to help me get my mind off of what I went through in the past. And let me tell you, it helped enormously and I was becoming confident to dilate more.

This was all just one week after the procedure.
The very next week I wanted a mall shopping date with my husband. Figured we could both have some together time since he works days and I work nights.
Halfway to the mall I’m talking to him about our nieces birthday and seeing everyone, including my sister-in-law, who recently was confronted by her husband saying he had been having affair behind her back and her kids, then he left the picture…………
I told my husband how deeply I hate cheaters and that I wanted nothing to do with them in my life.
I was so proud that I had a husband who would NEVER do that to me.
…………………..or so I thought……….
“Babe, I feel terrible every time you say that. You know I can never give you enough sorry s.” He says. But I’m thinking he’s talking about an email I found two years ago between him and my best friend saying he needs to leave me flat because I’m a “broken machine” that can’t give him sex.

“Well, sweetie, I already forgave you for the email thing. It’s not like you actually went out and did it.”

“Yes, I did.” He admitted………after FOUR years………

I screamed after a minute of silence in the car. “I want to go home!”
Just as he turned around to go home I realized that I’d be home with him, and I didn’t want to be with him at that moment.
In fact, I didn’t recognize this man I’ve been intimately married with for 4 years.

He cheated on me months after we were married with an old coworker at a bar who offered after he told her about me and my problem.
Though he said he felt so dirty trying to do it with her, he couldn’t get hard and go in at all so he just left because the longer he stayed the worse he felt.
And then he kept the secret buried for 4 years. And then revealed right after we returned from New Hampshire. Quite the blow……

I was in shock the whole day.
I officially lost hope in mankind….I repeat……..MANkind.
Is there no longer any loyal, patient men in the world? Is there no woman who CAN have sex who encourages married men to vaginismus wives to stay faithful??????
I thought my husband might’ve been the last man.
But vaginismus destroyed him early on and kept going.
The betrayal is something that will take years for my heart to forgive and repair.

I woke him up that night and told him, “If I can’t sleep, neither are you. If you want to stay married to me, tell me EVERYTHING.”
He knew what I meant. And he told me everything. He told me names. He told me how far. He told me why he didn’t tell me.

I thought for sure he’d leave me after confessing everything.
……..but the opposite happened…….he thanked me for having faith in him that he still had a chance to redeem himself a good man.
We have a new bond. A new freedom in our marriage to talk about any small factor that hinders us from being intimate in every sense possible.

This has caused a major setback in my dilating, but is slowly improving the more we talk and the more support that is received to move on.

My advice to those about to get married, or have just gotten married and found out about having vaginismus….talk to eachother and tell eachother EVERYTHING. Whether one of you has “baggage” or not, the truth will set you free and make you a stronger woman to face any other toils that you may face.

Find your courage, big or small, to confront him and say, “Tell me everything” early on or later on……don’t let vaginismus win.

[hereisnowhy]

Oh, Heather123, this breaks my heart to read. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Please know there are lots of us on this forum here who can and want to help you, even just someone to listen and talk things through with. What it comes down to in the end is that you have to do what’s right for YOU. You have to be kind to yourself. If you and your husband can work through this, that is wonderful, but make sure you don’t kid yourself in the process (I say that because, before vaginismus, I was in a relationship all through college with my high school boyfriend and he turned into a jerk about 2 years in, and cheated on me, and he didn’t try hard to make it up to me and prove himself, yet I still was not able to see clearly, and I stayed with him for years after that before finally letting him go), you have all the power in the relationship right now. HE messed up, NOT you. And don’t ever try to excuse his cheating for your vaginismus . . . it’s just not fair. Sure, it sucks that you two were never able to have sex, I understand he feels denied of that connection and pleasure with you, but it’s not an excuse. It’s just not. I am not saying you have all the power and that you should make him feel awful, but you should make him PROVE himself to you, because you deserve it. You both will have a lot to work through, but you say you already have a new bond with one another and are very open with one another now, and that is HUGE. Keep that communication open, always, it truly does help! Very good advice you gave to those women with vaginismus with partners, whether married or not. It is imperative to be open. Vaginismus does some WEIRD unexpected things to a relationship, and if you can’t talk about it, it will be 10x more difficult. But you are right: DON’T LET VAGINISMUS WIN. You can get through this, both this hurdle with your husband and vaginismus!! A suggestion: have your husband help you dilate as much as possible, this will allow you both to be connected and for you to feel more comfortable with him AND dilating. Good luck! We are here for you, Heather123!!!

[bosox2004]

Heather123 – This just breaks my heart to read!!! I wish I could give you the biggest hug and assure that it will all work out one way or another. You are such a brave person for sharing such a deep pain with the forum. I hate the fact that this is now impacting your dilating!! I want to stress that you need to do the dilating for YOU!!! No matter what happens in your marriage – you need to do this for YOU! When I went for the Botox procedure, me and my hubby were on the verge of divorce; however, I knew I needed to do the Botox/dilating for me no matter what happened between me and him. I don’t know if it’s something you want to consider, but individual and couple therapy saved me AND my marriage. It’s taken months but we have been able to slowly work through the pain caused my V. Now granted, we were not in the same situation but that is what helped us. You need to ask yourself some very hard questions and be very honest with yourself. V is not your fault and you should never be treated like it is. I know it’s so hard to sit and really ask yourself these questions of “Do I want to stay with him?”. The devil we know is better (and safer!) than the devil we don’t know; fear of the unknown is a SCARY thought but don’t let that fear keep you in a situation that may not be right for you. Only you know what is right for you and don’t let anyone try to talk you into something you’re not comfortable with. Please know that the forum is here for you and you will be in my thoughts and prayers. Please take extra good care of yourself during these trying times.

[Heather34]

Heather123, please, please know we are all here to support you along your journey. Sending you huge hugs!!!

[heather123]

Thanks ladies.
Your support and kind words mean a lot in these tough times.
Always hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when the tunnel seems to go on and on in distance.
But like the song from Disney’s Hercules, “I Can Go the Distance” 🙂

~Heather123~