Some updates :)

[bosox2004]

Hey Everyone!

I never know where to post so I usually just end up posting here; if this is wrong, please feel free to let me know!

So I have some updates since my last post:

1. My husband and I were able to achieve FULL penetration and it felt wonderful!!!!!!! I am still pinching myself. It was so amazing and just happened. I had 100 reasons why we shouldn’t do it – I hadn’t dilated like I was suppose to; if we DID try, he could only put the head in per Dr. Pacik; we had to be prepared for it NOT to work; the list goes on and on. So imagine this: I’m rattling off this list of reasons why we should NOT try and while I’m yacking, my husband is inserting his erect penis!!! I have to say – I WAS SPEECHLESS!!! It was shocking and amazing and very emotional. It was a whole new experience in EVERY area. Even though I felt pain, I was able to identify what type of pain it was. It wasn’t the burning/brick hitting pain; it was stretching pain that I’m familiar with from dilating. Once I realized this, I was able to do a few Kegels and breathe and relax. Just being able to identify the pain was amazing. I feel like I can finally say I’m cured since I was able to achieve penetration!!!

2. I had my first gyn exam since my Botox procedure and it was painless! I did an hour of just regular dilating (dilating with Glass 4-7) and then kept Glass #7 in for several hours. I took it out about 15 minutes before my exam and it was fine. I honestly didn’t feel a thing; I didn’t even know the exam was over!! I used to hold the assistant’s hand but this time I talked right through it with no problem. The gyn was familiar with V and has even met Dr. Pacik; however, she had never seen a dilator and was quite curious. I had a little show and tell with her and her assistant and they were just soooo impressed with the dilator. Her assistant had never heard of Dr. Pacik and was going home tonight to google him. It was SOO refreshing to have a dr who was familiar with V and who was also understanding.

3. I called my prior gyn 1500 miles away and told him all about Dr. Pacik’s procedure and how it cured me! He was so happy and impressed. I gave him Dr. Pacik’s information and he was going to google him as well. I told him that he has my permission to give my name to ANY patient who suffers with V. I’m wondering if it would be a good idea to send him Dr. Pacik’s book?

4. I’ve been going to a sex counselor for a few months now and she has helped me (and my husband!) so much. I’ve learned that the Botox/dilating is the “easy” part and the mental/emotional/psychological is the hard part. At the end of one particularly grueling session I told her I would take several Botox shots in my vagina ANY day over this exhausting work. Having to undo years worth of damage done by V is exhausting on so many levels. For years we believe that we are worthless, useless, defective, weird, freaky, odd, abnormal, ugly, unattractive, unwanted, second class citizens, and a long list of other hurtful words because we have V. We feel that we are not entitled to feelings or good things so we punish ourselves in our quest to find a cure. We lose ourselves and our identity along the way and trying to get that back isn’t easy! I must say that this entire process has given me such a burden to help other V patients.

I think the biggest thing I’m finding out is that there are good days and bad days. There are days where I am happy to dilate because the fact that I CAN dilate is amazing; there are other days where I just want to throw the dilator out the window if I have to see/use it one more time! There are days where I allow myself to focus on the future and not the past; there are other days where I seem to focus on the past and not the future. There are days where I want to tell everyone about my journey; there are other days where I still cringe from embarrassment for basically being a virgin after almost 6 years of marriage and the thought of people finding out makes me want to die! However, I’m learning to take the good with the bad and embrace it all. Every day is a new beginning. I have made it my life goal to replace the bad with the good!

I hope that my story helps/encourages anyone reading this.

Hang in there and just continue to take one day at a time.

[Becca]

Thanks so much for the update Boxsox. I know that I can definitely relate to everything you posted. 🙂

I have also been realizing for myself that like with anything, I have good days and bad days and I just need to dust myself off after a bad day and get back to work and focusing on the good. 🙂 I struggle too with wanting to share my story publicly for the world, and then also feeling insanely embarrassed over it. I have found the courage to open up to more people though and the circle of people in my life who know the truth is growing everyday, and I’m thankful for that.

I think you should definitely give your old Dr. the “When Sex Seems Impossible” book! I think that would be a great resource for the Dr. I bought one while I was back in NH to give to my Dr too and have been considering taking one to my old Dr (who was rude and knew nothing!) just to help her see that this is a problem she needs to be aware of. I think the more awareness we can get for V sufferers the better!

I would love to know more about your gyno exam. I am still a little terrified at the thought of it. There is a big difference between being able to dilate/insert things at home in my bedroom with me or my husband around, and to do it in the Dr’s office. Did you wear your #7 in the car on the way to the appointment or did you take it out at home right before you left? That is my biggest thing, it hurts and is SO uncomfortable for me to sit at all in my dilators, especially any that are bigger than my #4, so I worry about the gyno exam for that reason.

Anyways, I am just so happy for you for all the great changes you are seeing! What an encouragement, so happy for you!! 🙂

[Heather34]

HUGE CONGRATS to you and your husband bosox2004!!! This is wonderful news!!!

[bosox2004]

Becca,

Here’s what worked for me:

I dilated at home for 1 hour on my normal dilation schedule (10 min with Glass #4, 10 min with Glass #5, 20 min with Glass #6, and 20 min with Glass #7). I never took Glass #7 out after that except to use the bathroom; I wore Glass #7 for well over 4 hours. I kept it in all the way to the appointment and took it out about 15-20 min before the actual exam. I took it out to give a urine sample and never put it back in.

I use the glass dilators because they are smaller and more comfortable. I did have to “readjust” a few times when driving until I found the perfect position. When I took it out to use the bathroom, I made sure to reapply a LOT of lube since it was going to be in for several hours. The lube definitely helped.

My gyn was very gentle and patient. She started out with the breast exam and then just touched my abdominal area. After that, she moved to the actual exam; she told me up front if I was uncomfortable/scared/in pain at any time to tell her and she would immediately stop. Honestly, I felt no pain. The only thing I felt was a little pinch from the speculum and I could feel her fingers inside me but that was it – no pain. It went so fast I didn’t even know she was done! I talked about Dr. Pacik right through the entire exam. LOL It was very fast and painless.

The ONLY problem I had that day was this: I think because I had Glass #7 inside me for much longer than I usually do, I did develop period-like cramps toward the end. Once I took it out 15-20 minutes before exam, they eased up a lot. Other than that, everything went smooth.

I hope this helps and that I was able to put your mind at ease a little! If you have any more questions, please just ask.

[Nakitalab]

Bosox2004 I’m so happy for you and your husband! Your positive attitude is an inspiration to all of us!