Seeking motivation for those first steps

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    Hello, I am new to this forum but 5 years after being diagnosed with vaginismus and aged 22, I have decided I want to take control of my life again.

    My story is that after starting a relationship with my first proper boyfriend, I realised I was not quite “normal”. I had never been able to insert a tampon but several attempts at penetrative sex led to me booking an appt at the doctors. The experience was horrific! I took my mother for support and the doctor basically told her it was disgusting to bring her 17 year old daughter with this condition so I left feeling even worse than ever.

    I was lucky to next see a female doctor who could see the emotional impact the condition was having upon my studies and relationship. She fastracked me to see a psychosexual therapist once a fortnight. We had the option of couple therapy but decided against this due to work commitments. I was given a set of dilators and in the 4 year relationship was unable to progress from the first stage. Attempts led to tearful nights and a rift in our relationship with plenty of unfaithfulness on his behalf. My insecurities became more apparent than before and so had my dependence upon him. We simply gave up trying, our intimacy was enjoyable and neither of us felt the pressure to work at something that was so distressing, however I felt betrayed by cheating and blatant lies about his happiness.

    We broke up nearly 18 months ago and I have found myself hitting a real low point, still blaming myself for the failed relationship due to my inability to have sex. He is happy with a new gf of 12 months now and this hurts even more. I realise I cannot shy away from this condition which has controlled much of my life for the past 5 years and I realise I now need to take control!

    I am in my final year of university studies, wondering if I will ever meet another boyfriend, feeling very insecure and lonely. Nobody understands this that I know. Friends can’t see why I can’t just “get it over with” and those that try to be supportive, understandably have little to say in terms of support.

    It is likely that I am back to square one, but any support, motivation or advice you are able to offer would be amazing. I hope I have come to the right place, where I can express how I feel and make those moves to overcoming this problem for the better, without feeling like one huge lonely freak.

    Thank you in advance 🙂


    Hi Anon93. Welcome to the Forum and thank you for your post. I am so, so sorry for your struggles with vaginismus. I, too, had primary vaginismus for all of my 20s and into my early 30s up until 2011. Please know that you have found an excellent place of support and you are not alone with this problem at all. Currently, there are over 700 Forum members who have all either had, currently have, or in some way are affected by vaginismus. Together, we can all learn from each other and be an excellent community of support. For all of the years that I had vaginismus, I told none of my closest girlfriends and it was very, very isolating. I currently don’t want a single person to feel like I did back then and, again, want you to know that you have my support and understanding 100%! As for tips on getting started in overcoming, if there is any possible way of working with Dr. Pacik, I would suggest contacting the office and completing the forms. He then offers a complimentary consult to discuss further steps. I cannot say enough amazing things about him in one post. But, please know that he is the kindest and most caring doctor that you will ever meet and he actually gets and understands what each of us has gone through having vaginismus.

    If for some reason, working with him is not an option for you right now, I secondly wanted to share information with you on working with vaginal dilators. During my 20s, I tried to use the dilators from along with the workbook and could never make it past the step of being able to insert a q-tip or the smallest sized tampon which did not work d/t burning pain. Post-procedure, I was able to insert dilators for the first time ever and then my husband and also have exams, all things that I never ever ever thought would be possible. I’ve used both the Pure Romance dilator set as well as the Pacik Glass ones and like them both. The Pure Romance ones are great b/c they’re a softer silicone material and have handles which makes them easier to insert and remove. They also have many, many different sizes. I also really like the Pacik Glass ones b/c they, too, have the handles and they are shorter in length so you don’t feel them as much and can do other things with them in. I want to share the link for the second issue of the VaginismusMD Newsletter that discusses all-things dilating. Specific topics include: Styles and Materials of Dilators, Getting Started with Dilation (includes information on ordering dilator set), Anxiety Control, Advanced Dilation Techniques, and Transitioning to Intercourse. I also used a combination of Lidocaine/Surgilube as a lubricant on the dilators. I liberally used this and it made beginning insertion much more doable.

    Ok, I hope all of this helps and again want you to know that I am sincerely here for you along your journey of overcoming vaginismus. Sending you support.

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