reason for being a “lurker”

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    I was just thinking about something yesterday… I have been a “lurker” on this forum since July when I joined, and I never posted anything until yesterday after I finally booked my appointment with Dr. Pacik. I was wondering why I never wanted to post until yesterday, and I realized some of the reasons:

    1)I was embarrassed to share my deep emotions on here.
    2) I was jealous of the “overcomers.”

    I know that second one may sound weird, but its true. When I first joined this forum, I was not in a financial situation to afford the botox treatment, so I felt like there was no hope for me. I would read about these women’s success stories and how they were able to finally have sex with their husbands, and I was jealous. I didn’t know if I would ever get to that point. I would see women that live close to Boston that could literally drive an hour to get their treatment, or women who could afford it without much problem, and I would think “They don’t know how lucky they are.” (Not that anyone with vaginismus is lucky.)
    While it was comforting to know that other women struggled with my same problem, most of the time after reading the forum for a while I would just be in tears and depressed. It was a weird reaction that I had to this forum- instead of having a positive effect it would have a negative one for me. Did anyone else feel like that? Any other “lurkers” feel the same?

    After I finally booked my appointment with Dr. Pacik, I went on this forum, and all of a sudden instead of an outsider looking in, I finally felt like one of the group. I felt like I belonged, because I was finally on the road to recovery. I was on the forum for a few hours yesterday, and for the first time, I didn’t cry, and afterwards I felt empowered, not depressed. I shared my story, commented on a few posts, and really felt connected to these women.

    For any lurkers out there, or women who havent figured out how they are going to afford Dr. Pacik’s treatment: Don’t give up. You will find a way. I understand how you feel. And its ok to just be a “lurker” for now:-)


    Thanks for your post, Kelsi. 🙂 I, too, have been jealous of the women that live so close, or seem to afford it so easily (oh yeah, also jealous of all the women who can just have sex no problem too!). Jealousy is a rough emotion to deal with all around. While I didn’t “lurk” on this site, I did for a while after I joined the site. It’s hard to just jump right in and spill your problems after suffering so long and feeling so alone.

    Dr. Pacik

    My late mother taught me a long time ago that people do not like it if you are too happy. That has stayed with me my entire life. Jealousy, envy, feeling less than and a host of other emotions come into play when someone has what you want, when someone has achieved what you desire to do, and so on. These feelings are actually normal and commonplace, most people are vulnerable to this. So I don’t think we need to criticize ourselves for feeling the way we do, it is simply human to do so.
    Women who struggle with vaginismus are in many ways fragile. They bounce around with their emotions trying to deal with something that is involuntary and completely out of their control. Whether it is desperation to consummate, envy of others who have such a good marriage while you are struggling holding the relationship together, or for those who have been successful and can now achieve intercourse, pregnancy can still be elusive. Every step of the way we beat ourselves up over what isn’t. The solution is not simple however there are ways we can help ourselves. Some take solace in the scriptures, others are helped with meditation and being mindful. Allowing the brain to quiet down and appreciate all that we have, what is good in this world.
    This is a very important topic and one that needs more input from the others. The strength of this Forum is the empowerment of others. It has come a long way in validating women who feel alone and isolated. Every step of the way we need the strength and guidance from others and in this way we will overcome. This could be a great thread if all our brilliant minds put our heads together to help light the way.

    Quote from Dr. Pacik on October 22, 2013, 20:53
    Every step of the way we beat ourselves up over what isn’t. The solution is not simple however there are ways we can help ourselves. Some take solace in the scriptures, others are helped with meditation and being mindful. Allowing the brain to quiet down and appreciate all that we have, what is good in this world.

    All wonderful thoughts Dr. P!!! :):):)


    Dr Paciks post made me cry. It touched me deeply.

    I wanted to share a personal story of insight. It’s a bit different but there are parallels in some ways.

    I have a childhood friend. At the time, she was not married. My husband and I (despite the big V) were trying to have a child. I married later in life and for over a year we tried “naturally”. Then, we realized that wasn’t happening and turned to InVitro. We began this 4 year journey with InVitro. Much the same way as the big V will pick you up, shake you to heck and back and spit you back out, so it is with infertility treatments. What comes naturally to others, what was so simple for others, was not working for us. After many many diff tests, and having to inject myself with hormones and fertility meds in the stomach every night, we did our first egg retrieval. And the transfer of the embryos failed. And, it failed again 30 days later. And, it failed again. We decided to take a break. We were emotionally and I was physically spent.

    Around this same time, we received the phone call from my friend, the single one, who, by choice, had decided to use an egg donor, and she was calling with her excitement that she was pregnant. Of course we were stunned. Then the tidal waves of emotions, the anger, sadness, envy, “why her and why not us”. It was a complex time. But then, I got pregnant. For a short time my friend and I felt happy we would have children together. I was no longer angry. And then, I lost my baby. And she was sad for us of course. She sent us a beautiful card. And on that roller coaster of emotion I would go again. I would feel sadness, grief, anger, envy.

    Finally, we reached a point of acceptance and were getting excited to follow along in her growth thru her pregnancy and her happiness. It was “ok” now. And my husband and I moved on to another round of tests and a new course of treatment. Gaining more confidence.

    Some time shortly after we decided to continue our journey, I received the worst long distance phone call with a message I had to listen to twice to be sure I heard it correctly. My friends baby, who was now 27 weeks, whose heart beat was just heard three days ago, was no longer viable. Then a different set of emotions overcame me. Guilty for feeling angry and envious. Sad and upset for her. Wanting to “fix” it for her but knowing I couldn’t.

    It’s a sad story but this past situation has really taught me that jealousy and envy may truly be human and all of us deal with these emotions. However we do not have control over everything and not every story has a happy ending. We don’t know what goes on in others bedrooms or how strong couples are or are not. We don’t know everyone’s hidden secrets or marital difficulties.

    My story taught me to try hard never to envy others no matter what I “think” about their situation and to turn my thoughts more inward to my life and how I feel about my life. If I’m happy that’s all that counts. If I’m not, then I must work hard to figure out how to better myself. We don’t know others financial means. My surgery went on a credit card. I have no family support and do not wish to reach out via social media to ask others for help.

    Situationally, I care for a very ill father who lives with me, a professional full time job, multiple pets, and a 7 year old daughter. So traveling, arranging for nursing care and asking for assistance from others so I could get away to help others was very difficult. I live in another state in New England and not in Europe but logistically it was challenging for me to line everything up to have surgery.

    In a similar way as “K” I felt like the outsider in some ways having secondary vaginismus rather than primary. And having the condition for 23 years versus some with less (not that ANY time is acceptable at all for the big V). So I felt different from others on the forum as well.

    I’m really glad you feel supported and more empowered. It’s so hard having Vaginismus and we do feel broken and beat down. Trust me, even the women that are having success physically are still, each in their own ways dealing with catching up emotionally. It’s a process.

    I’m really happy for you that you are booked and can begin the journey and get “to the other side”. It will be great to watch your story and support you through this journey.
    Take it one day at a time~


    Thank you so much for sharing this 23yrs. I love reading your posts and you have such valuable insight and are so, so amazing!!!! Sending u hugs!!!


    Thank you for the compliment Heather. My road has been a lifetime movie, literally. Born to an unwed teenage mother, bounced around, adopted. Raised in a foster home of sorts. Out at 18 on my own. 23 yrs with the Big V and you know life has taught me some hard lessons but I honestly appreciate my life. I get down real down like everyone else. I’ve felt as Dr P has identified, as the original poster explained. It’s a roller coaster of emotions. If life hasn’t kicked you down already, the Big V can do a great job of that in and of itself. However, what resonates very strongly from Dr P’s words whether intended or not, is the fact that WE here on this forum have to remain steadfast and supportive of one another. We have to attack the Big V and not one another, fight back against the problem, not make problems of one another. We are all fighting the fight.

    So it’s true as I have always said. We may not be able to solve all the problems but by God lets be there to support and carry one another through them~


    Kelseroo, I too waited until I had my procedure scheduled to join and start posting to the forum. For some reason until I did that, I did not feel comfortable posting. I tend to keep all these issues going on with the big V more private and only a few close friends, family and coworkers know about it so the thought of posting it on the internet was very intimidating for me. But since I started posting I really enjoy chatting with others going through this process. Like 23years I think I also felt like an imposter because I have secondary vaginismus and not primary and it wasn’t until after I delivered that this all started. I felt guilty that I had a “normal” sex life before I had my baby and other women never had that. So even though I had no reason to feel this way, I did. I also put this on a credit card that my husband and I are still trying to figure out how to pay off in 12 months, we will find a way somehow. I am happy I overcame it my fear of posting and I am excited for you to have the procedure and overcome this!


    Thanks for all your comment ladies! I first wrote this post over a year ago, and so much has changed since then! I had my procedure back at the end of April, and was able to have pain free intercourse 15 days after treatment. Now I am still dilating, practicing intercourse, and waiting to see what happens when the Botox wears off (any day now!) it’s amazing how a 30 minute procedure can change your life and outlook so much.

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