pleasure from intercourse

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    Now that many of us have been successful in being able to acheive penetration, we can move on and focus on something other than just “getting it in.” I am wondering how many of you women that have overcome your vaginismus have been able to have pleasurable intercourse. By pleasurable I mean little to no pain, being able to orgasm, actually enjoying the act, and having the desire for sex.

    For too long I have associated intercourse with pain. Now that I am able to dilate with no pain, why do I still wince and cringe when I know I will be penetrated by my husband. Its almost an automatic reaction because I have suffered with vaginismus for years. Now it is difficult to “unlearn” that and retrain the mind to let it know that intercourse is can feel good…its a beautiful, intimate connection between husband and wife. I am desperate now to be able to feel some kind of enjoyment from having intercourse. The first problem is that I have no desire for it. I have been on antidepressants on and off for the past 15 years. I know this has messed with my libido as well as having to endure the effects of vaginismus. However, the times that I am off the meds I am able to regain the ability to orgasm again and have a desire for sex. Unfortunately, I have been on meds almost the entire time I’ve been married and have increased the dosage during that time. There was a point where I was absolutely numb. I didn’t feel anything. For the past couple of months, I have been working with my psychiatrist to ween myself off these meds so that I can have an active sex life with my husband and so that I will be able to, ultimately, conceive without having drugs in my system.

    I get very frustrated and upset that I can not enjoy myself during intercourse. I mean VERY frustrated to the point where I cry. It upsets me that my husband is able to orgasm but not me. It is not fair. I suppose it is a work in progress and it takes time. As did overcoming vaginismus. I want to know how many of you ladies have overcome this and are able to enjoy yourself during intercourse? How did you do this? Did you seek a sex therapist? I don’t want to suffer like this forever.


    Hi Jessbee,

    I understand what you mean and wonder about this for myself as well. I am still having a decent amount of pain and/or lots of pressure with inserting the mid-range dilators, so part of me wonders how sex will ever be something that is pleasurable and not like I’m shoving things up there. It seems like it’s just a frame of mind that almost has to catch up to our physical progress, but I’m also definitely looking forward to any tips anyone can share. 🙂


    I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one suffering through this. I just wish I was able to enjoy intercourse like everyone else does! I get very upset each time because I just think what did I do to deserve this?


    Hi jessbee. It’s so, so, so nice to chat with you. You are absolutely not the only one experiencing this. I felt this way for so long post-vaginismus and my hubby and I had to learn how to enjoy intimacy again and now with the added element of intercourse. In the early stages of our relationship, we were intimate with kissing and oral sex and enjoyed this but when I started to experience the pain/fear/resistance every time we tried actual intercourse, it was frustrating and took a huge toll on us. Post-procedure, when we could now enjoy intercourse, we had to slowly take steps to become intimate again as this was turned off for so long for us while struggling with vaginismus. For us personally, we enjoyed date nights that would lead to foreplay and intercourse. Instead of always dilating prior, we started incorporating vibrators into our foreplay which helped me to feel ready for actual intercourse but also added pleasure and fun for the both of us. We also enjoyed dress-up and costumes. Now that we have the baby, we have to again make the time to also enjoy each other both physically and emotionally. I would love to hear from others on their experiences post-procedure and what helped them to achieve pleasure from intercourse? I also wanted to share some thoughts from Dr. P in an earlier Blog that he wrote. Sending hugs to you and please know that I am here for you always!

    In the Blog: Great Sex After Vaginismus, he writes:

    “The goal of not only achieving intercourse, but having a wonderful sexual relationship is a difficult journey for most vaginismus patients. Painful sex is a drag, no sex is even worse. Most of my patients who are treated with the Botox program for vaginismus are undeveloped sexually. Little wonder. How do you gain experience if you can’t do it?

    Of interest is that I get two types of “success” stories. The first is when they have had penile penetration, and this is monumental for most of my patients, the second is when they have had “sex”. Both types of emails are filled with joy and disbelief. As a tabulate my data, I count painless intercourse as an important end point in the successful treatment of vaginismus (dilation to the larger dilators for those who are single). Yet my patients make an important distinction noting that the physical (penetration) is different than the spiritual (great sex).

    So what is great sex? For some it is the orgasm of either partner. For others it is the joy of feeling good even if there is no orgasm. Others equate successful sex with pregnancy. Yet others feel that unless both partners climax at the same time, it is not entirely successful. Such a wide range of emotions.

    There is no reason we need to limit ourselves. Every day is different, but every time we are involved with our partner it is a moment to celebrate the union of two souls. We need to start thinking out of the restrictive box of what should be, and simply enjoy our natural feelings and to be grateful that we can fulfill this part of ourselves. Making love can be as simple as hugs and kisses before falling asleep. It can be dance. It can be as simple as doing the dishes together.

    Simultaneous orgasm is actually fairly rare. It is wonderful when it happens, but should not be a goal. It will limit us too much. Vaginal orgasm is accomplished by only 30% of women, and this too is not a definition of good sex.

    We need to widen our range of perception. We need to embrace the qualities of our chosen ones and in the process grow together. We need to constantly re-invent ourselves so that we can grow together, and in the process have great “everything”!”


    We get this question all the time at our practice. This is a complicated topic. First, not all women love the sensation of intercourse, but all women should be able to have intercourse, and have it without pain. Achieving pain free intercourse is an attainable goal for women who have vaginismus. Once the pain is removed, then we can work on pleasure. Many women with vaginismus had really great sex with their partners without intercourse; oral sex, manual sex, clitoral stimulation, and had great pleasure and orgasm. So we want to make sure that they don’t forget about that super important part about sex, it’s not all about intercourse! It is ok to not love intercourse, keep doing all the other sexual acts that do give pleasure. Another take home is that only 30% of women will orgasm from intercourse alone, so it is very likely, penile penetration alone will not give them the orgasm they remember from other types of sex, or any orgasm at all. Communication with your partner is key. Discuss other ways that give you pleasure and incorporate them. Every sex act does not need to be intercourse.

    Quote from mazemelissa on November 16, 2015, 16:16
    Many women with vaginismus had really great sex with their partners without intercourse; oral sex, manual sex, clitoral stimulation, and had great pleasure and orgasm. So we want to make sure that they don’t forget about that super important part about sex, it’s not all about intercourse! It is ok to not love intercourse, keep doing all the other sexual acts that do give pleasure.

    This is excellent Melissa. It is so easy to forget about everything fun when you are wrapped up in the pressure to overcome vaginismus and later the pressure to move from mechanical to pleasurable intercourse. By remembering what you enjoyed before and also incorporating this, it makes it so much more fun and definitely takes away the anxiety and pressure that much more!!!!

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