Newly Diagnosed

[Ruby]

Hi everyone!

So I have just been diagnosed today (23/02/2020), if that’s what you call it.

I’ve had symptoms for about 6 months now and I am so relieved that I can finally put a name to my pain.

But I’m also really scared. I’m 18 and have been with my partner for two years now. He’s been really good with this whole thing but we’re young and I’m worried that he’ll find someone else or get bored of not doing anything intimate. He’s assured me that he won’t but it’s hard to know how long it’ll be before I start to get better.

I’m also worried that I won’t get better, or it’ll take months or years. Can you please please leave some tips and helpful suggestions on how you overcame Vaginismus? It would mean the world!

Chronic pain is such a scary term and I don’t think I can quite get over that. Chronic pain to me is what other people have, you see it in movies or the hospital soaps. I would never have imagined it would be me.

Thanks for reading my little ramble,
It’s be great if someone could reach out who’s in a similar situation to me or who was in a similar situation to me. My friends are super supportive but they don’t understand really.

Hope everyone has a great day 🙂

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi Ruby – I’m so sorry to hear about the pain you’ve been in, but I’m glad you’ve found the forums and decided to ask for help! So many of us here have been where you are and can understand what you’re going through. I had vaginismus for about 10 years (6 or 7 of those in which I had no idea what was going and was worried I was broken beyond repair), but I write to you now as someone who was able to overcome it three years ago and has been able to have pain-free sex ever since. After a bad experience with a pap smear at a college health clinic, I started searching around for answers and discovered vaginismus, but it was years before I actually started seeking treatment and got the botox treatment at Maze, after which I was able to have sex for the first time 20 days later.

Looking back on it now, I wish I hadn’t waited so long to seek treatment when there were answers out there – it counts for a lot that you’re already open to seeking answers, and that you have a supportive partner who’s willing to help you emotionally on this journey. The first thing I recommend doing is ordering a set of dilators online (Maze gave me the Pure Romance brand when I went for the botox treatment) and trying to work with those. There’s books like When Sex Seems Impossible that can also help you better understand your treatment options and decide how you want to proceed. But please know that vaginismus is totally curable and that it doesn’t always have to be like this. It’s hard to know how long it will take to reach pain-free sex, but you will see yourself making progress and it can really keep you moving forward. Let us know if you have any questions, and remember that by reaching out and asking for help you’ve already taken the first step, which so many people are too afraid to do (including me for so many years). Let us know how things are going for you!

[Jennifer Dembo, LMSW]

So glad you reached out, Ruby! I know you’ll find lots of support here. I realize this is a challenging diagnosis to receive. I’m grateful to hear you have a supportive partner and good friends, but they can’t appreciate exactly what you’re experiencing. The good news is, vaginismus is highly treatable with the right combination of specialized care, support, patience and self-compassion.

Please reach out to us at Maze and let us know how we can be of help!

[Helen Leff, LCSW]

Hi Ruby,
How have you been? You have had a little time to digest your diagnosis of vaginismus and I’m wondering how we can further support you. Vaginismus is very treatable and sometimes when you put a name to something it can be a relief. I know there’s hard work involved and much anxiety and the forum is here to hear it all.
We continue to be here for you,
Helen

[Lucy.yy]

Hey Ruby,

I’m 18 also, I’ve consistently had issues with this and I’m with a partner at the moment who is a girl so I don’t feel so pressured but I have been with boys before who have made me feel uncomfortable being in my own body. It’s crazy how much it still effects even when the person who loves you and tells you it doesn’t matter is supporting you. I feel scared and anxious about what the future holds for me and it’s a very scary thing. I think I’ve started to take the steps to look after my self and really listen to what my body is trying to tell me. Even though my partner loves me and looks after me very well I am still scared and feel a pressure that she will want something more and will go and find someone new. This is so daunting and I think that’s why I’ve reached out to this group because I feel alone and also because I’m so young none of my friends feel this way and nobody can relate. Hope you’re doing okay and I’m here to chat 🙂 from, Lucy

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi Lucy – this is really sweet of you to say to Ruby, but I’m sorry to hear that you’re dealing with this as well! It’s really interesting how these issues can still exist in relationships where your partner doesn’t have a penis – I think it shows how much both partner’s self-esteem and the health of the relationship can get tied up in a couple’s sex life. I can say from experience that even when I’ve had a partner who NEVER pressured me toward intercourse, my feelings of inadequacy still had a negative effect on the relationship. I felt like the “defective” partner who was causing the issues even though it was outside of my control at the time.

When I finally did seek treatment for vaginismus, what really helped me was recognizing that I was seeking treatment for ME, not just for the other person. It was so I could have the sex I wanted but even more so because I wanted to rid myself of the feelings of shame, inadequacy, anxiety, and fear that had gotten so heavy on my shoulders after so many years. No matter what your sex life with your partners is like, you may find that you still want to seek treatment because YOU want to stop feeling these things in your sex life – and no one should have to.