New to this forum but not Vaginismus

[survivor]

Hi,

In an effort to keep this brief I apologize ahead of time for abruptness in my writing. I am 43 yrs old, have had vaginismus for as long as I can remember, have tried several treatments but have not had 100% success with any of them— now have PTSD due to my husband having had a brutal affair while I was finally in a treatment that was getting somewhere and now I’m back at square 1.

I’ve been with my husband 22 yrs. Looking back it’s been a roller coaster relationship from the start but we are best friends and it’s hard to imagine life without him. I’m not sure why I have vaginismus bug I was molested by a dirty old man neighbor at age 5. My parents found out about it at age 11 or 12 but quickly swept in under the rug. I got no therapy at all and was pretty promiscuous for a few years after that. In college I did everything possible to not have a boyfriend. I still didn’t know I had vaginismus (I’m Catholic and my parents were pretty fire and brimstone) and just thought I was holding out on actual penetration due to Catholic guilt. When I met my husband I was 20. He agreed to wait but he sure did put me through the ringer with last minute doubts after we were already engaged. This began my not trusting him completely. We married but due to that incident, I never felt quite safe with him emotionally. On our wedding night he kept me up all night trying to penetrate. It was the same old brick wall story others describe. A couple of yrs went by and I finally went to a doctor over it. She was a female gyno that seemed excited because I was the first case she had ever seen of this. Of course that sent me in a tailspin and I never went back. We adopted 2 kids from CPS (something I always wanted to do) and my husband wrote me a letter that asking me to choose between him and the kids. It eventually came out that he was having feelings for a coworker but supposedly they hadn’t acted on them. I agreed to a sex therapist, who we spent a ton of money on, but after 6m we quit because he was falling asleep, literally, during our sessions. Plus, talk therapy was getting me no where. The kids have attachment disorder. It consumed us for years. Parenthood was hard and we had our own kind of intimacy but only a couple of times a month. My husband through himself into more degrees and I helped him pay for all of them thinking he was just trying to find himself. In the meantime my problem nagged at me every single day and the kids were slowly killing my spirit too.

Right when we both were turning 40′ my husband FINALLY graduated with his third degree— the one that fouls allow him to get his dream job. Instead, of concentrating on getting on with a company in his new industry, he started an affair with a coworker. I busted them before it went any further than kissing and he again insisted on me fixing my problem. We went to therapy, he lied to the therapists saying he was not fooling around anymore, and he got a job that was going to move us out of state. In the meantime, I had finally gotten into a program in our major city that looked promising. I had heard of Dr. P but couldn’t afford the cost so I went with this program instead. It was everything except the Botox. It ended up costing 10k in the end. Before I was even 1/2 way healed, ( was on the middle sized dialators) the affair came to light again. Of course this set me back 100 steps. I wouldn’t eat or anything and was diagnosed with PTSD. I made it to the largest dialator but I think it was out of spite. After that, I couldn’t go any further and the therapist had to revert back to only using her finger. I was making progress but now we live rural. There is no treatment anywhere near me. Even if there were, I’m convinced the huge distrust that I have in my husband is what’s keeping me from moving forward. He does his part, he wouldn’t grant me a divorce but is doing everything to try and make me feel comfortable again and doesn’t want to lose me. The thing is I just can’t get past his horrible behavior. I don’t hate him, I hate how he betrayed me. I feel terribly alone and have never ever shared the full truth with any family or friends. They all think not having bio children was a personal choice. No one knows about the affair except the husband of the lady he cheated on me with. We became confidants for about a year and a half.

I have my eating under control now but I’m still having flashbacks of the affair details and I haven’t been able to trust again. My kids are still giving us hell but at least they’re out of the house. The older one is in jail and the younger one is living in a commune (really on the streets) by choice. My heart is broken in regards to parenthood, marriage vows, and years of suffering in silence with this while everyone around me has beautiful kids even if they have rocky marriages or none at all. I feel like I don’t have anything. I’m extremely grateful for a comfortable life style and some very fun friends but inside I’m suffering and wish I could get rid of all of these problems. I often wonder if I could get healed if I had a man I could completely trust and feel safe with. I just don’t know.

Thank you for letting me vent.

[Heather34]

Hi survivor. Welcome to the Forum and thank you for your post. I am so, so sorry for your struggles with vaginismus and everything you have had to go through with this. Please, please know we are all here as a community to support you and you are not alone with any of this. I struggled with having it for 11+ yrs and my entire marriage until June 2011. The wall that you describe is exactly how I felt with any penetration at all (i.e. tampons, OBGYN exams, as well as intercourse). I tried to use the dilators from vag.com along with the workbook and could never make it past the step of being able to insert a q-tip or the smallest sized tampon which did not work d/t burning pain. Post-procedure, I was able to insert dilators for the first time ever and then my husband and also have exams comfortably, all things that I never ever ever thought would be possible. I’ve used both the Pure Romance dilator set as well as the Pacik Glass ones and like them both. The Pure Romance ones are great b/c they’re a softer silicone material and have handles which makes them easier to insert and remove. They also have many, many different sizes. I also really like the Pacik Glass ones b/c they, too, have the handles and they are shorter in length so you don’t feel them as much and can do other things with them in. I want to share the link for the second issue of the VaginismusMD Newsletter that discusses all-things dilating. Specific topics include: Styles and Materials of Dilators, Getting Started with Dilation, Anxiety Control, Advanced Dilation Techniques, and Transitioning to Intercourse. http://www.vaginismusmd.com/vaginismus-resources/vaginismus-newsletter-archive/ins-outs-vaginal-dilation/. Ok, now that I’ve written a huge book, I will sign off. But, again, please, please know that I along with the Forum are all here for you! Looking fwd to reading more of your posts and sending you hugs!!!!