January 14, 2020 at 1:16 am #26620simkp07Participant
Hi everyone! So it took me a while to get myself to join an online support group. I decided today was the day. It’s hard to be able to talk about having vaginismus with my friends because they don’t understand the emotional and physical pain that I go through. I discovered I had vaginismus from my primary caregiver when I was around 19/20 years old. I am currently 23. I remember I was trying to have sex with this guy I was into at the time and he said to me “What is wrong with you, you should go get help.” We kept trying but it wouldn’t work. In that moment and months after, I would cry a lot because I felt so hurt and shattered. I thought that I would never be able to have sex or be intimate in any way. In addition to this, I was never able to use tampons until recently. Prior to this, I had lost my virginity at the age of 18 with GREAT difficulty. That was most probably the most horrific thing I’ve been through and I am still dealing with the memories of that till this day. Fast forward to the end of 2017, I was in a relationship and luckily I was able to explain what I go through and he was understanding of it. He helped me work through and we started off doing smaller things such as taking longer with foreplay or just doing oral (sorry if this is TMI). Things were great and eventually, I was able to have sex and enjoy it. We broke up after 5 months of being together and I felt like I could never trust another guy again. My doctor recommended for me to try physical therapy but I was scared and my mom wasn’t understanding of it. I was prescribed muscle relaxers but they never helped me. Fast forward to mid-2018 until 2019, I only had two sexual encounters and none of those worked out and I was heartbroken and I felt like I was back in that dark hole I started off in. It’s now 2020 and I’m feeling hopeless again and I want to have fun and be free but I feel this holding me back. I have 5 more months of being an undergraduate student and I want to make the most of my college experience and have fun while I’m living on my own before I move back home.January 14, 2020 at 1:45 pm #26621mazemelissaModerator
Welcome to the forum! We love getting new people to join, we are a supportive group, and nothing is TMI!
You have made some amazing progress over the years.
Have you tried doing a home program with dilators?
You trained yourself to use tampons, so you might be successful with a dilation kit.
I think physical therapy could be extremely helpful, especially if you can’t come directly to our center here in NY for visits.
Don’t be discouraged, you can treat this condition.
MelissaJanuary 14, 2020 at 9:21 pm #26632simkp07Participant
Thank you for being so welcoming! I haven’t tried a home program with dilators simply because of my fear of doing it. I could never insert anything in myself for the longest time because I clench too much. With tampons, I still find it uncomfortable but I only wear them if I absolutely have to. Is there a particular dilator kit you would recommend?January 16, 2020 at 9:12 am #26647mazemelissaModerator
The two kits that we use most often in our office are the following:
Pure Romance silicone kit: we use this when we do the botox procedure, but it can be used on its own. Patients like that it is silicone and a little softer than plastic dilators.
Syracuse Medical Dilators: These are a hard plastic solid dilators. I use these all the time in practice, they are smooth and easily insert-able. They also come in many sizes, so the jumps from one dilator to the next is very small.
However, if you are struggling to insert the dilators on your own because of fear, than you really need someone to help you. That can be a physical therapist (they usually use the Syracuse medical dilators) or I would really consider coming in for the Botox procedure.
The procedure really helps connect the mind and the body, and women who were never able to put anything inside their vagina, are able to successfully dilate after the procedure.January 16, 2020 at 11:56 am #26653recessivegenequeenParticipant
Hi simkp07 – welcome to the forums! Just like Melissa said, we are always happy to welcome new people here – because if you’re with us, it means you’re taking steps to lessen your pain and reach your sexual goals!
I had vaginismus myself starting when I was 15 (which I finally tackled at 25 with the help of Maze and their botox procedure), and before I got that help I was in much the same place you are. I had pain and anxiety around sex, I was fearful and distrustful of sexual relationships with men and was afraid of being rejected. I think what’s interesting and helpful about your story was that you WERE able to have intercourse without pain with a partner in the past. One of the central tools in dealing with vaginismus is drawing strength from the knowledge of what you have done before and trusting that you can do it again – and sometimes more! Dilating worked the same for me – a part of the botox procedure at Maze involves waking up with a huge dilator inside of you, and when that happened for me it helped me realize what was physically possible, even if I had to mentally work my way up to it. It’s a kind of trust you earn from yourself that can be an extremely strong foundation if it’s cultivated.
Starting dilation is really scary – I get it. But you have shown yourself to be able to tackle these kinds of challenges before. I believe you can do it, if you want to. Maybe 2020 can be the year you achieve your sexual goals! We are here to help you however we can in whatever your goals are.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.