New Member Here!
February 8, 2020 at 5:46 pm #26735Julie123Participant
I’m 26 years old and I’ve had vaginismus pretty much…forever. I’ve never had a pap and aspire to be able to one day have one (funny thing to aspire to, right?). Like many of you, my journey has been a long one and I know it’s far from over. I got my first period when I was 11 years old and have never been able to insert a tampon. I remember not necessarily being afraid of the tampon, but a combination of something physical and mental holding me back from inserting it. Fast forward a few years, I had a couple of high school boyfriends that didn’t last long so sex wasn’t really a bridge I had to cross at the time.
Fast forward a few more years to college with my first and only long-lasting relationship. We were together for almost eight years. He was so supportive. There was NEVER a time that he was disappointed about not having penetrative sex. However, because we couldn’t have penetrative sex, after a while I lost all the confidence I ever had in the bedroom and lost interest in opening myself up to being intimate in any capacity. Ironically, that was one of the things that contributed to the end of our relationship, not because of my actual vaginismus, but because of how it affected me and made him feel like I didn’t desire him anymore.
Since then (last year), I have realized that I cannot put off working on this any longer. I have also realized that maybe I’ll never be able to have fully pleasurable penetrative sex, but I need to learn to be OK with that and to be more comfortable with my body in general and with saying to myself “yes, I have vaginismus, but it doesn’t define me. I have other amazing qualities that define me and this does not determine my sexual worth.”
At this time I cannot afford professional vaginismus treatment, but I am going to therapy to work on my anxiety and confidence, I’ve bought myself a nice set of silicone dilators, and–as you can see–I’ve just found and joined this support group. Although writing this is giving me some anxiety, I wanted to share my story and I’m really happy I found this group!
My ex and I are on good terms and really care about each other. A part of me feels like maybe one day we can try a relationship again. If that happens, a big part of that is going to be working on myself and showing him that I am willing to put in the work to keep the relationship alive and healthy. However, I am not doing this for HIM. I am doing this for me. Maybe I’ll meet a different man in the future and I’ll have to be willing to put in work for that relationship too. But more important than any man, I want to be happy and secure with myself. Sometimes I wonder, “why me?” I’ve never been abused, I just have a lot of anxiety. But I’ve come to realize that everyone has their battles. I know sex may never NOT be difficult, but if I can work to at least can rid of that psychological fear and reduce some of the pain, that will be a huge accomplishment for me.
Thanks Everyone! 🙂February 10, 2020 at 10:34 pm #26792recessivegenequeenParticipant
Hi Julie123 – welcome to the forums! Coming here to tell your story is a big step in beginning to address your vaginismus and to get to a place you can be happy with. Like you said, your story is so familiar to many of us (like myself, who suffered for 10 years with vaginismus before getting the botox treatment at the Maze clinic at the age of 25). The thing that really resonated by your story was that you want to seek treatment for YOU, not for a partner. I think it’s important to have this clarity of motive to help you find the strength you need to pursue therapy, dilating, and whatever else you do to make progress. I would encourage you, though, to open yourself to the possibility that you could have pain-free, enjoyable sex someday. After 10 years of no ability to have sex I assumed it would never happen for me either and was shocked to find that in the months after my botox treatment and dilation regimen, I actively enjoyed sex (and have ever sense). The body is an incredible thing and you might be surprised at where you can find yourself over time.
Let us know if you have questions along the way, and keep us updated! We are rooting for you to overcome this!February 11, 2020 at 10:55 pm #26798Julie123Participant
recessivegenequeen – Thanks for your reply and encouragement 🙂February 17, 2020 at 12:04 pm #26823Leslie Turner, WHNP, CNMParticipant
So glad that you found this forum and have reached out for support. Hearing how others, such as recessivegenequeen, have been where you are today, and now are in a very different space- being able to not only tolerate, but actually enjoy sex and intercourse – is very inspiring. And this absolutely can be available to you as well.
Congratulations on purchasing dilators. That’s a very big first step. Start with using the smallest one, with a lot of good quality lubricant such as organic refined coconut oil. Know that the initial insertion is always a little challenging, but it will get easier from there.
And please keep us posted. We look forward to supporting you through this process!
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