My Story and a little Wishful Thinking

[dreamer11]

Hi, I’m new here but I’ve had vaginismus ever since high school, when inserting tampons and getting pap smears were sore!!! I only started working on this in the last four years (my first boyfriend and I managed to get fingers inside and a toy), but it was only this year did I start physical therapy (I’ve been able to have penile penetration because of it and a successful pap smear and pelvic exam). I progressed quickly but hit a wall and this caused my now (second) ex-boyfriend to break up with me a week ago.

So, now I’m doing this on my own (I still want to have “normal” sex–where I don’t have to go slow). But…any woman whose boyfriends left them because of vaginismus…once you were cured, did you tell them, and did they get back together with you? I know it sounds morbid to want to get back together with someone who left you because you couldn’t fulfill them sexually, but I’m still in the thick of my sadness stage and have magical thinking going on in my head about my ex and me getting back together once I fully cure this.

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi dreamer11 – thanks for sharing your story and your honest perspective. This is a super relatable thing to be feeling. Speaking as someone who had vaginismus for 9 years before eventually getting seeking treatment and resolving the problem, I had several romantic relationships that were affected by my vaginismus and some where a person wasn’t interested in pursuing me further because I wasn’t able to have penetrative sex. I am currently dating someone I knew before my vaginismus was cured and we got back together after, but the vaginismus wasn’t the reason for our breakup.

To your question, something I have found valuable about navigating vaginismus while dating is that it showed me clearly some of the people who weren’t worth my time in that they were quick to hit the road when the going got tough. I ended up finally seeking treatment because a partner I was dating at the time essentially gave me an ultimatum that I needed to seek treatment or he couldn’t continue being in a relationship with me long term. At the time I was very wounded by the situation but in retrospect I recognize that he was setting a boundary around something he saw being a potential issue in the future and was in fact giving me the opportunity to take steps to keep the issue from happening rather than just ditching me when he couldn’t put up with it anymore.

All of that to say, I think if it was something you still felt compelled to do once you had worked on your vaginismus, you are totally free to tell your former partner that the situation has changed so that he can make a decision about whether he wants to give your relationship another try. But just speaking emotionally, it might be worth thinking about whether he deserves that chance. Was he someone who was setting a boundary around his needs, or was he bailing on you at the first moment your relationship hit an obstacle? That’s probably the question you most need to answer to determine whether he deserves you!