Major Setback

[klove]

I am now 4 weeks post procedure with Dr. Pacik. I have been dilating on a regular basis with a few days where I did not dilate due to anxiety. Last Saturday night, I had planned on having intercourse with my husband. I dilated for several hours, I got #5 glass in and then we were able to put my vibrator in which is as long as #6 silicone but wider. I even went out and bought alcohol to help calm me down. Later that evening, after I had a couple of drinks, we attempted to have intercourse. I was so nervous and scared that I was not able to stay calm. So, we gave up. He did not seem disappointed or frustrated. He said it will be ok and we will try again. I was quite upset that I was not able to complete my goal.

Before I go further, I need to mention since the procedure, I have been very emotional and distant with my husband. According to my counselor, it is because my psychological awareness is bringing up all the bad sexual abuse that happened in the past. So, until I get my psyche where my physical body is, I will not be able to be relaxed. I have been very moody and we started fighting more. I even went as far as thinking he was sleeping with another women which I accused him of this a couple of weeks ago. He was very upset with me and it regressed our situation.

This Monday, I found out that my husband slept with a co-worker a few times. He told me that it was over and it will not happen again. He is completely regretting what he did and feels horrible. There are multiple reasons why this occurred, one of them being we have not had intercourse yet after 8 years. He still has to work with her and she is still his friend on Facebook. He feels if he defriends her or makes any huge changes, she will get upset and try to get him in trouble. She is much younger than us and she could be immature about this. She even told him she loved him and had feelings for him. He admitted it was stupid and took me for granted. He does not want to lose me and feels he will never do it again.

Obviously, I am not 100% sure this is true, only because he just betrayed me and hurt me. I feel so devastated right now and I am having a huge issue of dilating again. Has anyone gone through this and has advice to give me so I can move forward? I know this will take time. But, it is hard for me to even touch him right now. We want to work it out and I pray every day that we can and it will make our marriage stronger. But, right now I am so hurt and lost.

[Nakitalab]

Klove, my heart just breaks for you. I’m so sorry that you are going through all of this. You are doing great with the dilators! And I truly believe that our state of mind does have a huge impact on dilating and our tightness. Try to be kind to yourself and continue to dilate, starting with the smallest and working your way up. Be patient with yourself because you are dealing with so much right now. Please know that you are in my prayers and am here for you. Sending you a big hug.

[KP]

Klove hang in there, one day at a time, good luck with everything.

[23years]

I don’t have any advice about the infidelity. I’m very very sorry this is happening to you especially now. The Big V makes us feel so “less than” as it is… So I can’t imagine the betrayal.

As for your mind set, I DO understand. I have many ghosts in my closet, sort of speak, and I will equate things to a “post traumatic stress” type reaction. For example: when I first started reading Dr Paciks book, I had to put it down many times. This was pre-procedure. It gave me such an emotional roller coaster type reaction. Then, just the other day, now post procedure, I received my operative notes in the mail. Just reading my history and the physical observations once again gave me such a post traumatic stress reaction. It’s SO very hard to explain to people.

My own personal opinion is, other than women like us, I think the only people that could personally relate to the “emotional triggers” something like this condition gives us, would be Vietnam or other war Veterans. I personally feel very strongly about that fact. I’m not sure when that will end for any of us. I think each of us deals with the after effects and life stressors in general, much differently and very individualized. But I can tell you for a fact you are not alone with these feelings, you are not a freak, and you are not “less than”. In fact, you are MORE than. You are more than capable of overcoming this, of being loved and of loving. You are more than most women could be.

I hope you are able to work this out, not for your husband but for you. Because you deserve so much more and should expect nothing less.

Keep up the fight with the Big V!!
We are here for you~
23 years

[klove]

Thank you everyone for the responses. It is so helpful knowing I have an amazing support system on this forum. I feel everything happens for a reason. So, that being said, I know he is human and can make mistakes. I also know we have been together for 8 years and have not had intercourse yet. So, I am trying my hardest to keep an open mind. I give people 1 chance after their mistake, if they do it again, I am not able to tolerate it. He realizes this and saw how much it hurt me. He also stated it was hard to stay in the moment since it was not me and he had to literally think of me while doing the acts. He realized how wrong he was and I am trying to give him a chance. I do not believe in divorce unless absolute necessary due to domestic violence or chronic cheating, etc.

That being said, Vaginismus makes it that much more difficult to deal with. I am now constantly comparing myself to her as she does not need to dilate prior to intercourse. I am now embarrassed to dilate in front of him even when he tells me he never compared me and I am automatically better. But the mind is very powerful.

I know I am a strong person by going through past experiences and falling down but getting right back up. So, I feel if I become positive, then I can get through this. Minus this situation, my husband has been incredible and so supportive. He had a weak few moments for a week and then came back to reality. I hope that I am not being too naïve. Thank you for the support. It helps so much when I can come on here and vent and I know all of you know how I feel versus a woman that does not have the big V.

[galaxygal]

Klove, I am sending you lots of hugs through the forum and I am thinking of you! My heart hurts reading your posts and I don’t have any good advice but know that we are all here to support you.

[Possum]

My heart breaks for you as well reading this post. You are an incredibly amazing person to have endured so much and to still be standing. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[klove]

Thank you for the prayers and love. As it wasn’t hard already, I was actually admitted into the hospital for a week and still recovering from colitis which is an extremely bad stomach infection. I am going through a prep so I can have my colonoscopy tomorrow. I feel like crap keeps coming at me and I am losing my balance. I told my husband I have forgiven him. But it still hurts. I have started dilated on a daily basis, then of course I get sick and end up in the hospital! I am at the end of my rope. I feel like it is not meant to be for me to beat this. But somehow I keep standing back up. Not sure how much more I can take before giving up. I can’t exactly get over what he did and always wondering if he is being faithful. I thought God only gives you what you can handle??

[Heather34]

I am so, so sorry you are experiencing this right now klove. Sending you prayers, hugs, and support!!!

[galaxygal]

oh no! That sounds so miserable klove. I am so sorry you are going through all of this. Thinking of you!!!!

[Nakitalab]

Hi Klove, just wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you and hope that you are starting to feel better. I’m so sorry that you have had all these challenges. Sending you a big hug!