Is it vaginismus?

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    Hello, I’m not sure this is the right place to ask, but I have a question. I’m 23 and I’m having my first sexual experiences with a guy: I had never inserted anything into my vagina before meeting him, and the first times he tried to use his fingers inside I was very tense and it hurt very much. I did some research and thought it was vaginismus, although I tried to insert a finger inside me and I managed to do it without pain, just a couple of times though.
    We recently got intimate for a second time and he managed to insert one finger without any discomfort for me and now he can actually move it fast and I feel pleasure to the point of orgasming. He also inserted two fingers and although I felt a bit of soreness and discomfort, I got used to it and felt fine too (just a bit of pressure when he gets them in and out and need to pee, is it normal?).
    Despite everything I have just described, when he tries to penetrate me I get extremely tense and nervous and he can’t get inside. I know it hurts because I’m scared of it hurting – he’s a big guy and I’m a tiny girl, so dimensions don’t really help me relax even if I naturally get very “lubed”.
    He says I need to trust him, and it worked wonders with fingers, can this be the case with penetrative sex too? Or can it be vaginismus? (I also have to say his fingers, although they are much bigger than mine, feel much better and they don’t hurt when they get inside, whereas when I do it on my own it’s more difficult even to get inside – this makes me doubt it can be vaginismus, because I should be more relaxed on my own).

    Thank you for your help 🙂


    Hi Sweet Cindy,

    Thank you for your post. Not everyone presents the same with vaginismus.

    I would say that you do have some level of vaginismus. You are describing an anxiety with penetration, in conjunction with your body’s response of tensing the muscles.

    It seems you have conditioned yourself to relax enough for his fingers over time, but not enough for his penis (which is much bigger).

    I would recommend getting a set of dilators to start working with. Your partner can even help insert the dilators for you. Once you are able to insert a size that is comparable to his penis, I think having intercourse will be a lot easier for you.

    I like to recommend dilating right before intercourse as well, to help with ease of initial penetration.

    And even though you are having difficulty with your own finger, that is ok, everyone is different. This too might get easier if you start dilating.

    Hope this helps.



    Hi Melissa,

    I wanted to thank you for your advice and let you know that we managed to have our first time! I didn’t use any dilators in the end, but my boyfriend used his fingers to stretch my vagina before trying again – it hurt a bit but it wasn’t as painful as I thought it would be.

    Thank you for your help and wish good luck to all the people here!


    Hi SweetCindy – so glad to hear it went well for you! A little pain at first is normal, just keep monitoring how it goes and if the pain persists or gets worse, check back in. Good luck and i hope everything continues to go smoothly and swimmingly!

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