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January 31, 2013 at 12:45 am #8802VashallaParticipant
I’m brand new to this forum, and will start working with Dr. Pacik soon through internet counseling once all of my stuff arrives. I’ve had vaginismus since college (about 10 years now), and I identify as having secondary level 1 vaginismus, meaning that I was able to have some sex in college before my vaginismus really kicked in and that I can tolerate pap smears pretty well now. They used to be fairly painful and stressful though. I think my vaginismus stems from several factors. As a pre-teen, I had always heard those awful rumors about how the first time having sex was always painful. I’ve always been pain adverse, so those rumors made me nervous. Plus, because I’m small and petite, I somehow came to the conclusion that it would be worse for me the first time. I assumed that my vagina was also smaller than most girls. Before I ever even kissed a guy for the first time, I had built up this fear of sex and associated it with pain.
My first time was in college with a guy who was a bit larger than average. He was very understanding and gentle about it being my first time, but even though it felt kinda good, it also hurt, reinforcing that fear I had built up as a teenager. Over time, the problem grew worse. I was able to have sex a few times after that during college – mostly with one guy who in his words was “hung like a toothpick”. I haven’t been able to have sex since that time though.
After college, I dated one guy for almost two years. I was in love with him and really thought that he was the one for me, but my vagnismus (and honestly, other unrelated incompatibilities) made our relationship very difficult at the end. I didn’t know why I couldn’t have sex then, and he thought that it was because I really didn’t want to have sex with him. It didn’t matter how much I told him that it wasn’t true. He wouldn’t believe me. He broke up with me, and it was the most difficult breakup I’ve ever gone through. On the upside, my vaginismus helped to break off a relationship that I now know was doomed anyway. Better to get that over with sooner than later, so that I could start healing from the heartbreak sooner. Later that year, I finally found the name for it: vaginismus. It was a HUGE relief just to know that I wasn’t a freak and that I wasn’t alone.
Three years ago, I met a wonderful guy who I’m still with. This weekend, we’re celebrating our 3rd anniversary together. A couple of months or so into our relationship, I had let him know about my vaginismus and had him read some stuff on the Vaginismus Awareness Network’s website, which sadly seems to be defunct now. He’s been completely supportive and understanding this whole time, and has never once pressured me to try having sex with him. I’ve done some self-guided dilation therapy since I found the name for my situation, and since meeting my boyfriend, I’ve gotten him involved in it from time to time. One of the other challenges my boyfriend and I face is that both of our libidos are pretty low. He says his is normally this low, even before he met me, but I know that mine used to be higher. There’s not a whole lot of external motivation for me to dilate on a regular basis because of that. I’ve made some progress over the years, but not enough. I’m very hopeful that working with Dr. Pacik via Skype will get me on track to make some huge strides soon.January 31, 2013 at 3:48 pm #10997Heather34Moderator
Hi Vashalla. Welcome to the Forum and thank you for your post. Happy Anniversary in advance to you and your boyfriend this coming weekend!!! I am very sorry to read of your struggles with vaginismus and I am so, so happy that you found Dr. Pacik and this Forum. He will absolutely be able to help you and I can’t wait to hear how this goes for you. What is a huge benefit for you is that you’ve been able to do dilation therapy in the past and this will make it that much easier for you to continue and excel with Dr. Pacik’s Remote Supported Dilation Therapy program. As for increasing your libido, this too can be worked on together with your boyfriend and significantly helped. While I had vaginismus, I always associated my hubby with pain and post-procedure, I began to associate him with pleasure and enjoyment. I can’t wait to read more of your posts and please know that we are all here to support you along your journey to overcome.February 2, 2013 at 6:41 pm #11004VashallaParticipant
Thank you, Heather!
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