Im new, and I have vaginismus
January 27, 2013 at 7:17 pm #8796tef1991Participant
I didn’t know that this site existed until today, and for the first time I finally see a little ray of hope in the clouds of vaginismus. I want to share my story and to hear yours as well.
I have known ever since I first tried to use a tampon that something was “wrong” with me. I had a panic attack and nearly passed out. My mother insisted that it was just nerves, and that I would get over it eventually. Except 8 years have passed since then, and I realize that I only discovered the tip of the iceberg back then. I went to my first gynecological exam at 18, which actually ended up being more of a gynecological chat because my gynecologist was unable to insert even the smallest speculum into my vagina. My legs would involuntarily close, I would unconsciously scoot up, and it was like she was hitting a wall. I went again a year later, and again there was no penetration. When I mentioned the possibility of vaginismus (I had been researching a bit by that point), she said it was more likely nerves and did not even give me the names of any therapist or counselor who could help. My general practitioner also shot down my suggestions of vaginismus and again mentioned nerves. But I knew it was worse than nerves; this was not normal.
Fast forward to 20 years old. I have had a serious boyfriend for two years at this point, and we decide to try and have sex. It was a disaster. I was shaking and quiet all the way to the hotel we were going to stay at. Once we got to our room and removed our clothes, I immediately started sobbing and rocking back and forth in the fetal position on the bed. Once I calmed down, we actually attempted penetration, only to have me go back to the same position. It was, again, like he was hitting a wall. I was attracted to him and wanted to have sex, so I was very confused as to why my body was reacting in this way.
That relationship ended, and here I am at 22 still unable to have sex. I am currently with a guy who I have an insane sexual chemistry with, and I am so frustrated because despite me being as aroused as I have ever been in my life, he still cannot enter me. He can put the tip of his index finger in, but that’s it. He can’t move it around, he can’t go deeper. At least it’s progress, I suppose. He says that I am extremely tight, and there is no way that his penis could ever fit right now. I so badly wanted to have sex with him that I attempted at-home physical therapy with my fingers, only to find that I am so afraid of penetrating myself that I cannot put my own fingers in my vagina. Still can’t put a tampon in myself, either. And now I am left wanting to have sex, desperately desiring to have sex with this amazing man, and so ready to do it; and I still can’t do it.
I feel so angry and ashamed. Angry at my body, because I feel that it has betrayed me and will not let me experience this basic form of human connection, and ashamed of myself, because I feel that I am broken. I am crying as I am writing this because I feel like I will never be normal. I just want to be intimate with a man. I want to be able to be intimate with myself. I don’t want to feel like no one will love me because I can’t have sex. I want to be healthy and able to get exams. I want to not have to use pads. I am a college student, and my parents are unwilling to assist in paying for any treatment of vaginismus, as they are very religious. I have not been able to find affordable options for care. It feels like I will never be able to have a normal sex life.
I am hoping to learn more about Dr. Pacik’s program and hopefully be able to undergo it someday. Reading about it has made me feel a bit better. I apologize for the length, there was just so much I had to vent out of me. To those who read it, thanks for bearing through!January 27, 2013 at 7:53 pm #10977Heather34Moderator
Hi tef. Welcome to the Forum and thank you so, so much for your post. I found myself welling up with tears as well after reading your post as this is exactly what I felt throughout my 20s and while I suffered with vaginismus. I am so sorry for your struggles but also so happy that you have found this Forum and Dr. Pacik’s treatment program. We are all here to support you.
Like you, I suffered with vaginismus in the past as well and for my entire relationship and marriage to my wonderful husband. I was unable to even insert q-tip without this pain/burning/blocked feeling and sex or any form of penetration was completely impossible! I felt every emotion known to women while dealing with this and so badly wanted to have sex with my hubby but physically couldn’t. Like you, I had a strong sexual chemistry/libido and was incredibly frustrated, ashamed, and embarrassed that I could never share this with him despite my strong desire too. After so many years of searching, I found Dr. Pacik’s program on-line, contacted his office, and received the Botox treatment for vaginismus. I had the procedure with my hubby by my side and, together, we practiced with the dilators, again, something I could’ve never imagined while having vaginismus. Thereafter, within 7 days of my procedure date, we were able to have pain-free intercourse for the first time ever (huge smiles and THANK YOU DR. P!!!!). Since then, we continue to have a wonderful sex life and I am also able to have successful ob/gyn exams as well as use tampons. And, very importantly, I personally feel a thousand times better and don’t have the weight of this on top of me anymore. I promise you that you found the right place and can be cured from vaginismus as well. For years and years, I thought the only treatment out there was a very expensive ($10,000+) treatment in NYC. I lost all hope in ever finding a cure and, through much prayer and research, I found Dr. Pacik’s treatment program. There truly is no other treatment like it and Dr. Pacik and all of the staff have a very special way of treating even the most anxious patients and caring and supporting you through every aspect of overcoming this condition. Dr. Pacik is also one of the most knowledgeable doctors in the world about the condition of vaginismus when so many other doctors, physical therapists, psychotherapists, and other providers do not have a clue!
Another important aspect of his treatment is it is often covered by insurance, either in-full or in-part and he works with Diane Tremblay. She has taken over submitting claims for patients and this has made all the difference with her 25 years of coding experience and her passion to help women suffering from this condition. (Jenn at Dr. Pacik’s office can put you in touch with Diane.) Also, see the following Blog from Dr. Pacik regarding insurance coverage:
I also want to share a link to a personal letter that I wrote to family members of patients with vaginismus:
Please know that each one of us that either currently has or has had vaginismus in the past has felt exactly as you do and, together, we are all here to support you through your journey in overcoming which WILL happen!!! I look forward to reading more of your posts.January 27, 2013 at 8:35 pm #10978AllieParticipant
Hello Tef. I am so sorry that you are going through this. All of us women on this forum know exactly how you feel. I also discovered that I had vaginismus by searching online. That’s how I also found out about this website. After 5 years of marriage and still crying myself to sleep every night because I could not have sex I hit my breaking point. I was in a deep depression, I am so thankful to God that I stumbled across this website. Even though I was unsure if it would work for me I didn’t have much to lose if it didn’t. I had my procedure on October 23rd. I will never forget that life changing day, waking up with the biggest dilator in pain free! Here I am a little over 3 months post procedure enjoying a pain free sex life! Using the dilators everyday with no problem and even wearing tampons! I could not insert anything before procedure, my hubby couldn’t even insert the tip of his little finger! Honestly Tef, I still have to pinch myself. I thought I would never have a normal life. Vaginismus controlled me. Well not anymore, I no longer feel BROKEN!
We didn’t really have the extra money for my procedure. I applied for the care credit card and thankfully was able to pay for my procedure with that. Diane(the billing lady) is working with my insurance now to see if they will pay any money. I don’t even care if they can’t, it was worth every penny. As for our flights and hotel we saved money and made it work. We knew that this is what I needed to do. My husband and I are so greatful to Dr Pacik. He and his staff are AMAZING. They changed our lives. I hope and pray that everything works out and you are able to receive treatment. You may feel broken now, but I promise you that there is HOPE. You can overcome this. We are all here for you!
Allie 🙂January 28, 2013 at 1:45 pm #10981tef1991Participant
Thank you so much Heather34 and Allie for your replies. Just hearing about your experiences had already made me feel a lot better. I thought that the 10k treatment was the only one for a long time too, and there is no way I could ever afford that. It looks like Dr. Pacik’s treatment is the way to go for me! I’m excited to begin the process. It will definitely be worth the expense, and it actually seems reasonable! I won’t let vaginismus control me or my happiness anymore.
I do have one worry, though. The guy I’m with is a very new relationship (about a month), but I have a very good feeling about him and where we’re going. Still, I am very afraid of him leaving because I can’t have sex soon enough. I’ve explained the condition to him, and so far he has been extremely patient and wonderful, and we still enjoy each other intimately in other ways. I know my fear sounds unreasonable, and if he did leave me because of having to wait a little longer then he really isn’t worth it, but I’m still afraid. Is there any way to deal with this fear?January 28, 2013 at 5:51 pm #10983Janet PacikParticipant
If you have insurance or are still covered under your parent’s insurance, please be sure to contact Diane Tremblay who does our third party billing with our patient’s insurance companies. Diane has been able to get reimbursement for many of our patients. For more information on Diane, please click this link: http://www.vaginismusmd.com/patient-info/insurance-information/January 28, 2013 at 6:02 pm #10984AllieParticipant
Each woman is different and after treatment it takes some women days and other women months until they are able to achieve sex. Try not to think about that part. I know it’s easier said then done, but you will learn to take it day by day. You don’t need any more added pressure on yourself. You need to talk to him and tell him how you’re feeling. He needs to be 100% there for you emotionally.
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