I don’t want to have my life ruined by this
June 18, 2020 at 5:34 am #30729MiraCulixParticipant
Hello to you all,
I’m originally from Germany, but unfortunately, vaginismus is not very known here, neither by doctors nor others. So I found this forum and I am so happy right now to be able to reach out finally…
My story is full of restrictions and self-limitation, I’ve had the first encounter with vaginismus when i was 13 and wanted to use a tampon. I even had friends who tried and helped me but it just wouldn’t work.
My mom tried to soothe me, promising that it would “just work one day”.
That was almost 20 years ago and that “one day” never came.
I have tried to have sexual intercourse several times, but of course with every time it didn’t work, the fear just grew, and the muscles tightened even more.
I can’t go to the gynaecologist, i can’t have a full urological examination, i can’t be penetrated by neither man nor woman.
For a long time I refused to think about this, still childishly believing my mother’s words.
But I am 32 now, and I want to take part in sexual life. I’ve isolated myself because of this. I thought, and probably still think, that with vaginismus I’m not a real woman, not a sexual creature at all.
It’s not only sex, it’s all kinds of intimacy. I feel like i have retreated into myself so much because of the fear that I don’teven dare to fall in love with someone, kiss someone or do in fact anything that in the course might lead to sex.
And it’s not that i don’t want it. I want it, I can feel how i need it. Yet I restrain myself, again and again.
This process is so exhausting and I really don’t know what to do anymore. I’m stuck. I know there is a way to cure vaginismus, but everyone I turned to for help said similar things like my mother did: maybe you just need to find “the right one”, or “oh, come on, don’t be so hyper sensitive”, yes, stuff like that. Not really helpful.
So I am happy to have found this forum and want to get in touch with other women who have the same problem, who treated it successfully or are, like me, still on their way.
Thank you for reading this long post, it means a lot to me to finally let it all out, knowing that there are indeed people who might understand.
Lots of greetings
MiraJune 18, 2020 at 11:49 am #30742Jackie Giannelli, FNP-BCParticipant
Hi MiraCulix – welcome to our forum, we are so happy that you are here! Even just by sharing your story, you have taken the first step to beating vaginismus. That is something to be proud of.
There is a wealth of information here on this forum – everything from tips on dilating, to getting started with dilating, information about our Botox procedure and also about our virtual dilation program (which is something you may be interested in). I recommend you start to peruse the posts, and if there are any questions you have don’t hesitate to reach out. We are a welcoming community here, and I know you will feel right at home:)
Jackie Giannelli FNP-BCJuly 3, 2020 at 11:22 am #31468recessivegenequeenParticipant
Hi MiraCulix – I’m so sorry to hear about all you’ve been through. I suffered from vaginismus for 10 of those years and believed for much of that time that it was a problem that would fix itself, as people so often told me. But you are right in discovering that this level of pain isn’t normal and doesn’t just “go away” until it’s dealt with.
The good news is that by finding this forum and posting in it, you’ve already taken the first step on the road to finding treatment and a happier life for yourself. The thing that eventually gets women to take the steps to get treatment is that they WANT to make the change and are ready to work for it, and it sounds like you are.
There are a lot of steps you can take next as you begin to explore what kind of treatment options might be right for you. I personally got the botox treatment from Maze (which you can read about here:http://mazewomenshealth.com/painful-sex-vaginal-pain/vaginismus-treatment-under-anesthesia/)
Even though they are in America, I recommend giving Maze a call at 914-328-3700. When I talked to Maze on the phone, it was the first time I had EVER spoken to a medical professional about my sexual pain and been taken seriously or spoken to knowledgeably, and even that act was healing. They can also help talk through some of your other treatment options. There are MANY ways to proceed like a therapist, a pelvic floor physical therapist, dilating on your own, getting the botox procedure, etc. If you want to start trying to dilate on your own, that can be a great first step to see if you’re able to insert a dilator or to get a better sense of how severe the issue is and what option would work best for you.
Please let us know if you have other questions! Treatment IS possible and you don’t have to keep feeling like this forever!
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