hubby frustrated

[Alyx]

Hi Galaxy!

Thanks for commenting! Weve tried sensate focus before a couple of times and hubby is not feeling bringing a vibrator into things. So im at a bit of an impasse because im like you in that clitoral stimulation is my best bet. Idk???

[23years]

I’m sorry if any offense is taken with what I’m about to say but…..

What about YOUR frustration? What about YOUR wants? YOUR needs? YOUR desires?

If, hypothetically, your hubby had a chronic illness, would you be there with him on that journey? Of course you would! Do our spouses deserve a Medal of Honor for “putting up with us” OR is that what a marriage is about? I don’t know maybe I’m out of line but I think that the shame of vaginismus and how we are made to feel is just not right. We all have wants and needs and desires. Sex is just one of the things in life we want, need and desire. Why is it that a man is more deserving of this in our society than a woman? Why does society allow us to think and feel we are second class citizens as women?

It’s not right. We don’t “will” ourselves to have vaginismus. We don’t desire or want or need vaginismus! So why are we punished for having it?

Nobody should have to deal with the guilt, shame, or pain that vaginismus brings to our table. Nobody.

I’m sorry that you are having to wrestle with how to “fix” your husbands problem of sexual frustration when all you probably want to do is just be fixed yourself!

I hope that, together, you can achieve both and stay strong in your journey together! I will be hoping that for both of you!!

Stay strong!

[Alyx]

While I appreciate your words. The “wants, needs, and desires” statement came from me… he never said those words. I consider myself a strong woman and it takes alot for me to discuss this let alone post on the forum. We’ve been married for almost 9 years and he’s been supportive in this with me. Everyday isnt perfect but overall hes been dealing. I feel bad because hes my husband and I love him. I know thats an area to which im clearly not satisfying him which is why I even bothered to push through everything I felt to continously seek out help and treatment. I had the procedure done as a last effort. Id seen several doctors, specialists, and therapists over the years to no avail. I fought soo hard partly because I want a normal healthy marriage in addition to wanting no more pain. I would imagine this makes me akin to any wife who would want to please her husband in the bedroom. This does not make me weak, and this does not make him a villain…this makes us human. Again, I really do appreciate your words, im not just saying that. I am however looking for suggestions on things I could implement and or similar testimonials as im in search of hope for the situation and already feel bad enough. Thanks again, Alyx

[23years]

My apologies if I misinterpreted your post. This is the difficulty with written word. No you are not weak and he is not the villain.

The villian is vaginismus. The villian is a physical issue inside our bodies that robs us of that normal healthy marriage.

Nobody should ever have to deal with this, not you and not your husband.

The last thing any of us need is another enemy, another person not understanding.

My hugs to you and I will pray hard that you overcome and that you are able to find peace and happiness for yourself and your marriage. We all deserve that and we all should experience that recovery.

Life is not fair~

[bosox2004]

Hi Alyx! I wish I could give you a great big hug because I have (and sometimes still am!!!) been there!!!!! My hubby’s sexual frustration was the driving force for my procedure; we were on the brink of a divorce and that was our last effort. I too had tried many other things that just simply did not work. Even though I have made great progress, some days I still want to cry for the years my husband and I lost to V. Years we can never get back. Years where we were in the prime of our lives where he in his 20’s was at his peak sexual drive. It’s very hard to accept. All this being said, I will say that I have been seeing a WONDERFUL therapist who has helped me and my husband more than words can say; she has helped me accept the past and move onto the future. We see her individually and as a couple and it has literally changed our lives. It is THE hardest thing I have ever done but it’s so very rewarding. I often tell her that I would take a Botox shot in my vagina ANY day over the mental, emotional, spiritual, and psychological “dilating”. While I still don’t have the sex life of my dreams – I have become so much closer to my husband and found myself along the way. I’m not sure if you would be interested in seeing a therapist but if you are, her name is Anita Hoffer (she actually is active on the forum and comes highly recommended from the Pacik’s!). I am fortunate enough that I can drive to her office but she also Skypes. There have been times due to schedules, illness, bad weather, etc that we have had to Skype and it works just fine. She is VERY VERY VERY familiar with V and the impact it has on EVERY area of a couple’s life; she also gets how the man and woman each responds differently. And lastly, she understands and knows what it takes to resolve those hurt feelings and get you on the path to healing. If you would like any more information or want to ask me any personal questions, please ask Janet for my personal e-mail address. I will answer any and all questions and would be very glad to help you. Please know that you’re not alone and that we are all here for you. I wish you and your husband continued success. Take care!

[Alyx]

Hi Bosox! Thank you sooo much for responding, I really appreciate it! Weve tried marriage counseling twice, once before and once during the time of my procedure. Ive also tried individual counseling twice and even a psychiatrist once pre procedure who told me to relax, have a glass of wine and a cigar??? So im hesitant intrying again mostly because it never worked before… I am interested in more info though…im a nerd and I research everything before I do it lbvs… ummm how can we swap personal emails??? Or maybe can we dm each other within the forum??? Thanks again, your post really gave made a bright spot in my day. Ttyl – Alyx

[galaxygal]

Hi Alyx,
Not sure if any of this will help but I thought I would share in case it does. Since my vaginismsus started 2.5 years ago I realized I was slowly moving further and further away from being intimate because I was trying to avoid penetration and the feeling that I was broken because every time we were intimate even if it didn’t involve penetration, it reminded me that I couldn’t have intercourse. I have recently started to overcome these feelings and it is really helping get the intimacy back which I think will help when we do try intercourse for the first time again. There were a couple of things Dr. Pacik mentioned during counseling that might be helpful in overcoming the mechanical feeling. There are some great vibrators that might help set the mood, I know I personally need clitoral stimulation or it won’t be that enjoyable for me so I use a vibrator to help with that. There are some aids Dr. Pacik recommends on the website. He also talked about practicing sensate touch and gave us a resource – http://www.sexsmartfilms.com. Dr. Pacik could probably do a better job than me explaining what it is but it is supposed to help overcome anxiety and lack of orgasm by practicing touch, it is mostly non-genital touch. I haven’t tried this but it seems interesting.
Thinking of you!

[Alyx]

Hi Galaxy!

Thanks for commenting! Weve tried sensate focus before a couple of times and hubby is not feeling bringing a vibrator into things. So im at a bit of an impasse because im like you in that clitoral stimulation is my best bet. Idk???

[Heather34]

Hi chica! Please, please know that I am here for you and think of you often! I found some insight from Dr. P in a prior blog that may be really, really helpful and wanted to share.

“Maybe taking a warm bath with scented candles and soft music, having a romantic supper at home and dancing afterwards, performing erotic massages on one another or maybe taking an evening walk under the stars. One needs to communicate with one’s partner to explore all the different possibilities on reducing the anxiety associated with vaginismus or everyday life – be open to all possibilities. The key is to reduce the anxiety, which in turn will increase the arousal and the enjoyment of the sexual experience. One patient writes: “I find that having a glass of wine is kind of nice and relaxing prior to intercourse. In addition to this, I’ve also found that lighting scented candles and taking a warm bath is also very relaxing prior to intercourse.”

Sending you hugs tonight!!!! :):):)

[galaxygal]

He doesn’t like vibrators! I feel your pain with not having clitoral stimulation with something like a vibrator because in order for me to enjoy intercourse I need to have something like that. Sounds like you need to find a happy medium with what he is comfortable with (no dilators) and what you need to enjoy intercourse (some clitoral stimulation). That is tough but I am keeping my fingers crossed that you will both find something that will help! Sorry I can’t be more helpful 🙁

[Alyx]

Hi Galaxy and Heather! Ok so I’m not a drinker (I know I’m such a nerd)… so what would be a good wine to try??? Something fruity… see that’s why I don’t drink – because I never liked the taste of alcohol… so maybe something sweet??? Any suggestions??? lol… Oh and Galaxy last time we tried adding the vibrator… it felt a little awkward for me but I’m not giving up so we plan to try it again. 🙂

Side note: I just want to say I’m incredibly thankful for you ladies. You’re awesome and I love being able to come here to vent or talk or just to have someone who can relate. Also want to give a world wide shout out to my bestie who overcame vag (I won’t mention her name) and is now expecting!! God is soo good! I’m soo happy for her! Not to mention, seeing her at this point gives me hope too!

[kelseroo]

Try mixing half red wine and half lemonade- it’s delicious! I’m not much of an alcohol girl myself either;-)

[Alyx]

Thanks Kelseroo! You’re cool! lol! I’ll have to try this big time lol. Oh and I’m still excited… I posted this in another forum but I’m gonna post it here too… Last night we tried using Olive Oil as a lubricant in place of my beloved Liquid Silk lubricant and it was fantabulous! lol… We’ve never experienced insertion so fast. I just had to say it again… also don’t be surprised if I mention it again in another thread lol!

[Dr. Pacik]

Hi alyx
I remember your treatment well. You had a great deal of anxiety to penetration when I treated you about three years ago. It took about 14 months of dilating before you felt comfortable attempting intercourse. If a woman has only sporadic intercourse and is no longer using the dilators on a regular basis there is a good chance for regression or discomfort with thrusting. The treatment for this is to start over again using the dilators, starting with the small ones and advancing as the tissues are being stretched to the larger dilators and dilating to the large dilator for one hour prior to intercourse. Repeat Botox treatment is rarely necessary. Your Female Sexual Function Score, which measures libido, improved dramatically after treatment. Counseling with Anita can be very helpful in combination with getting back to a good dilating schedule. You are welcome to email me.

[Alyx]

Hi Dr. Pacik! I have still began going to counseling again and you’re right, I seldom dilate. Sometimes it helps if I dilate just before insertion with my husband. It’s weird that I can go straight to blue, of course taking it slow, but trying to just insert with my husband is always a task. I don’t know why the mind keeps holding on to things that happened to me as a child??? It’s weird… it’s subconscious which makes it just that much more difficult. ??? We have made progress though… Sex is still mechanical but at least it can be done. When I first reached out to your office I had been trying to make peace with the fact that sex may never happen for me. I’ve also learned to be ok with the fact that it’s taking me much longer than most. I have to remember, this is my journey and I can’t expect it to be the same as anyone else. Thank you Dr. Pacik for all the work that you do. Even though I’m not where I want to be yet in my VAG journey, I know that I’m light years beyond where I was. You and Mrs. Pacik are awesome. 🙂