How to tell men?

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    I was diagnosed June of 2020. In Nov, I started seeing someone. It quickly ended a month later because then cheated on me due to vaginismus. I then met a guy the other day and he seemed interested in me and I gave him a BJ after I told him about my inability to have sex (sort of make up for it). Was that the right thing to do? He is still talking to me. But I fear I have scared him away. Maybe should have told him later because he’ll realize soon sex won’t be so immediate? Was it right to tell him right away? Why still talk to me if he’ll get fed up later down the road?
    I just really don’t know when and how to tell men without lying/leading them on but also them not running away or cheating on me. I am so scared.
    I feel ashamed and alone and would love yalls advice please. Thank you in advance.


    Hi Carrie,

    Thank you so much for this brave post.

    First I want to say good riddance to the November guy…anyone who will cheat on you after a month of dating sounds like a total jerk anyway, and not sure it has to do with your vaginismus!

    I get why you worry it might scare a guy away, but I think you bringing it up in the beginning was the right plan for you.

    Honesty is so important in a relationship. And intercourse is not the only way to have sex and experience pleasure.

    I encourage you to continue to be open with this partner, as well as seek treatment to over come vaginismus.

    Vaginismus is curable if you put the work in.

    If you haven’t tried dilators, I would get a kit. If you have the ability to see a pelvic floor physical therapist, make an appt.

    We are here to support you! Keep us posted.



    Hi Carrie – I think you totally made the right call in being up front with your vaginismus! Back when I still had vaginismus and was dating, I was really embarrassed and often put off telling the people I was seeing about it until the final crucial moment, and looking back I don’t think it was the best way to handle it. If you tell people up front, you have more control of how you deliver and frame that information. For example, you can say “hey, I’m not able to be penetrated because of a medical condition I have, but I’m still a sexual person and really look forward to exploring other things together that feel good.” You can also let the person know whether you’re actively seeking treatment for the issue or not. Empowering yourself more in taking charge of what you want to tell your potential sexual partners will likely leave you feeling less like you have something to apologize for, which you shouldn’t have to feel!

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