How I cured it WITHOUT dilators!
July 17, 2018 at 8:44 pm #23287
I understand how difficult this must be for you. I had been married for 3 months before my husband and I finally consummated our marriage.
In my case my husband being extremely supportive was the only thing that kept me going. Don’t feel pressurized into doing anything. And remember more the pressure, lesser the chances are. I used to dread having sex while I was suffering from the problem. I always wished that he wouldn’t be in the mood on any given day. But all those initial times we tried and did not work out we just ended up having grind sex instead. And my poor husband would not complain. I’m really so thankful to him for having stayed by my side and not let the frustration get him. He would just say ” It’s alright, we have an entire lifetime ahead of us”. And it was always so reassuring. It was only later after we succeeded that he admitted that it was actually beginning to worry him and he was thinking about a doctor’s visit etc. But trust me I WOULD NOT WANT TO SEE ANY DOCTOR regarding this.So I tried to cure it myself and guess what, it totally worked.
My agenda was to start using fingers one at a time, then move on to 2 and 3 fingers and then slowly progress to dilators. I did not have any previous penetration experience, I never even slid my little finger in there! But I slowly got there. Yes it was very painful in the beginning, I even bled when my husband fingered me in the beginning. It also hurt when I peed. I did not give up and I think that is the key. Slowly the pain began to fade. So finally with a lot of hard work and determination I finally managed to get 3 fingers in there. 3 fingers not flat but holding them together in a small triangle like shape. After doing that for a about a week, one weekend we decided to try actual penetration. We did not plan ahead or anything, we just sort of tried our luck like all the previous times. And instead of getting tensed about the pain, I just thought to myself “If 3 fingers can go in without pain, how painful can this be anyway”
And Lo Behold! It finally happened! I was no longer a virgin. It just happened. With a lot of pain of course, but it really did go in fully! And we did not need the dilators!! And boy was it good! Felt like I reached a whole new level of happiness. No I did not orgasm, and it did take a couple of times before my husband got the hang of it and orgasm-ed. But he did anyway. As of now, I have to go on top and only then can I orgasm from penetration. But trust me the pain is almost like not there anymore. Maybe just a little when he enters in the beginning when we’ve not had sex for couple days but other than that, it’s incredible!
I really hope my story makes you hopeful and that things will really work out for you guys! And please do not fight over this! It really will not do any good, if not worsen the problem. All the boyfriends/husbands out there, just be really supportive and loving. She might even be worried that you might leave her because of this, just be as re-assuring as possible, and help her stay motivated because I’m sure it must really hard on her to handle this.
Good luck you guys and be positive!July 21, 2018 at 3:08 pm #23393
Alice 23_5, congratulations on being able to achieve penetration – it sounds like you worked hard and were able to stick with it until you saw results! Everyone’s path through vaginismus is different, and even though you didn’t involve doctors or dilators in your treatment, there are so many familiar elements – especially the logical conclusion a lot of us have about “If I can insert THIS, a penis shouldn’t be a big deal!”
I hope your story will motivate others to seek help (though I will say there’s no shame in needing the help of a doctor, gyno, physical therapist, or anyone else in your treatment process) – it’s great that you are finally able to have the sex life you want!August 19, 2018 at 7:55 pm #23520
Love this success story! I used dilators to overcome my vaginismus, but agree that a lot of it was mental – I also had a couple moments when it just CLICKED in my mind that because of my progress with dilators, tampons/a pap smear/a penis wouldn’t be nearly as uncomfortable/painful as it was before…
So happy to hear about your happy sex life! Great post and I hope this encourages others with our issue that with determination and experimentation they will be able to overcome vaginismus!September 10, 2018 at 7:07 am #23591
This is a very reassuring story to hear. As I cannot insert the dialstors in me but can insert 2 fingers sideways some maybe I should continue trying to insert more fingers slowly?September 10, 2018 at 9:24 am #23593
Strega001, I think more than anything what’s important is just to focus on progress that feels like it’s working for YOU – no two vaginismus journeys are the same, and if you’re seeing progress with fingers you should pursue that. One thing that’s useful about working with dilators is that it’s very easy to tell whether you’re making progress because you’re inserting an object of a standard size the exact same way, so it’s easier to tell when sensations start to feel different and tightening is less bad. I would still encourage some dilator work once you’re very comfortable with fingers if penile intercourse is your final goal, but it’s all about what works for you at the end of the day!January 31, 2019 at 5:02 pm #24259
Thank you Recessivegenqueen.
I have since had the Botox treatment here in London at a private clinic. Although I haven’t really attempted to have sex with my partner as I’m fearful it won’t work. I was able to tolerate tip to size 3 dilator when I went for my follow up a few weeks ago. I’m still dilating at home but I can’t get the larger ones fully in. It’s been 6 weeks since my Botox treatment and my doc encouraged me to try sex but I am worried it won’t work. Also it’s been difficult for us to initiate sex with each other. Any tips?
Thx S001😊February 2, 2019 at 10:08 am #24270
Hello Strega!!! Congratulations on having the botox treatment and beginning dilation – these are huge steps and you should be really proud of yourself for how far you’ve come already.
My first tip would be to NOT rush sex with your partner. I know that after such a long wait that most people are eager to get to that important moment, but it’s SO important for you to feel comfortable first or you’ll run into the same issues and feel an unnecessary sense of frustration. I’m not sure what dilator set you’re using (and thus how big the size 3 dilator is) but I encourage you to get comfortable enough with a dilator that’s slightly larger than your partner’s penis if possible – it’ll make the transition to the penis feel easier than dilating and give you more confidence, which helps a lot the first few times.
As far as initiating sex, this can sometimes be something that has to be relearned. A lot of the intimacy and curiosity and exploration of a couple’s sex life can get stifled by one partner having vaginismus, so sometimes you have to start back at square one. Learn how to touch and kiss and caress again and you’ll be reconnected to that person and feel more ready to have that kind of connection with your partner again. I also recommend discussing beforehand how attempting sex will go (something you can say when you’re ready, maybe) and I’d encourage you to take the lead in these encounters so that you can feel confident that you’re in control.
Good luck and I hope some of this helps! Let us know how it goes!February 5, 2019 at 11:30 am #24291
Jennifer Dembo, LMSWModerator
Congratulations, strega001! You’ve taken a giant step. And I couldn’t agree with recessivegenequeen more; remove the focus from sex right now to getting reacquainted with your partner. Although this may feel like yet another barrier to having intercourse, try and reframe it as a refreshing and fun (yes, fun!) project. Pretend you’re being intimate for the very first time – it’s arousing and exciting and it will likely kick off a whole new narrative around sex for both of you. You can keep whatever you’ve historically enjoyed together, but allow for different experiences as well. With time and patience and a little bit of exploration, you’ll ease into your objectives instead of hurtling towards them.February 5, 2019 at 11:31 am #24292
Jennifer Dembo, LMSWModerator
Congratulations, strega001! You’ve taken a giant step. And I couldn’t agree with recessivegenequeen more; remove the focus from sex right now to getting reacquainted with your partner. Although this may feel like yet another barrier to having intercourse, try and reframe it as a refreshing and fun (yes, fun!) project. Pretend you’re being intimate for the very first time – it’s arousing and exciting and it will likely kick off a whole new narrative around sex for both of you. You can keep whatever you’ve historically enjoyed together, but allow for different experiences as well. With time and patience and a little bit of exploration, you’ll ease into your objectives instead of hurtling towards them.
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