How did your relationship change post procedure?

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  • #9118
    mlrchi
    Participant

    Hi all,

    I am getting excited (and nervous!) for my treatment in March. I honestly feel this is the last ditch effort to save my 6.5 year relationship. For the women who are “cured”, I am curious how overcoming has changed your relationship. My partner has pretty much given up on me and I am going to attend the procedure alone. I have read that many men have more compassion for their wives when they actually see the muscles contracting and I wish my boyfriend was that type of guy. He would just be staring at the floor anyway because he would be so uncomfortable! I am actually okay going by myself so I can focus on me.

    The real anxiety I have is working on the relationship post-procedure. The issue with us is that we are older 45/46 so he has had many partners and girlfriends before me. It seems many women on the forum have been with the same man for a long time and neither had much experience before they got married. In our case, my boyfriend just sees me as some type of “freak” because I can’t have sex and he has had lots of sex in the past! This has caused him to have much anger, resentment, frustration, hostility, embarrassment towards me. He gets really upset with me sometimes over the silliest things, and I am wondering if this has anything to do with it. He has said that he would be mortified if anyone knew that we aren’t having sex and of course this is my fault! He has also said that he has not gotten angry with other girlfriends like he has with me. Is this because of the lack of sex? Also, we live together and he has never lived with anyone before, so that is partly to blame too.

    Did any of you have relationship issues that improved once you were able to establish a more physically intimate relationship? We have been to a therapist in the past, which didn’t really work because most of the topics came back to my issues. I almost feel like I can solve this problem I will be more open about what I want in the relationship because then he can’t always turn the conversation into the lack of sex.

    What do you all think?

    Thanks!

    mlrchi

    #12541
    mmHeather34
    Moderator

    Hi mlrchi. I am so excited for you to have your procedure coming up in March. I had my procedure in June of 2011 and we were able to make love on July 4, 2011. Prior to this, we had been together since 2000 and married since 2006. Throughout our entire relationship and marriage, he was always very supportive. This is his second marriage so he, too, had sex prior to being with me so I always feared that he knew what he was now missing in our relationship. Despite my fears and even active attempts to push him away because of how bad I was feeling about having vaginismus, he did not leave. We were always intimate in other ways (i.e. kissing, oral, everything except intercourse). He would enjoy this and I would too but I would later cry and be so upset with myself because we couldn’t do everything. Then, he became upset because I was upset and he didn’t want to see me like this and it was really hard on us both. We also seemed to fight a bit more too because I always felt stressed out, depressed about having it, and worried/anxious about finding a cure. It definitely affected many other areas of our lives too. I feel like many things changed following this procedure and when we were able to start making love. Personally, I felt like a giant monstrous weight was lifted from me and so much lighter and happier. This new way of feeling made my hubby so happy too and we both noticed that we did not fight as much as before and every little thing that we almost looked for to nag/fight about prior was not as big of a deal now because we were generally happier and lighter in life. We also both felt that going through the journey of overcoming together (i.e. practicing with the dilators and talking about what we liked and disliked) and finally being able to make love brought us so much closer as a couple. We were always intimate before this but following, we were like newlyweds and made special nights for this and it truly brought us so much closer. Ok, sending you positive thoughts and, again, I am so, so excited for you to have your upcoming procedure in March.

    #12619
    mlrchi
    Participant

    Thanks Heather, you are so supportive to everyone on here and it is much appreciated!!!!

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