Help! – painful intercourse

[For_her]

Hi there,
as my name imply i am here for my wife.
We are married for 2 years and my lovely wife has painful intercourse all the time which led to low libido from her and fear from sex. we talked hundred of times about the situation and i advised her to see therapist but she dont want to see therapist in any cost, she very shy about this subject and claim the she can expose herself for any therapist. Of course when this subject is up it lid us to fights.. and its very sad.
I just want to know if there is a option for self treatment at home without therapist? can we use vibrators or dilators at first?
Thanks !

[Sks823]

For_her,

I’m so so sorry to hear that you’re unable to have sex in your marriage, but it’s great that you found this website and know that she may have vaginismus! There is absolutely an option for self-treatment without a therapist – exactly what you said – using dilators of increasing sizes.

I overcame vaginismus using dilators of increasing size, but I tried it on my own and couldn’t do it – so I ended up going to Maze Women’s Health center every couple/few weeks to help me with the dilators (so physical therapy… for those muscles down there). If she does decide to try this route (dilators), I recommend buying dilators with a large range of sizes (there should be suggestions in the dilating section of this forum such as the Pure Romance set on Amazon. She should buy them and (using advice from the dilating section of this forum, or searching on Google how to use dilators) see if she is able to use them without help. This depends on a few things – is she able to wear tampons or insert anything at all with no pain?

I’d recommend starting with dilators rather than buying a vibrator because she probably needs to begin with the smallest sizes and work herself up to larger sizes. The way I think about it is that her muscles *down there* aren’t yet used to something large inside. Just like I, after never picking up free weights in my life, probably can’t pick up 50- or 60-lb weights 🙂. That’s why she needs to start small, get used to the small dilators, then work her way up to eventually something penis-sized. I think the use of dilators to get her muscles used to the feeling of something larger inside her will be incredibly beneficial.

Has she seen this forum? Many people who can’t get a tampon in (me) were able to overcome vaginismus with the use of dilators. Her having vaginismus is *not* a bad thing (at first I thought it meant something was super wrong with me and I wasn’t ever going to be normal)! Vaginismus is completely treatable!

Using dilators, whether by herself, with your help, or if she is able to go to Maze or a similar clinic, could ‘stretch’ her muscles to get them used to larger and larger dilators which could then help lessen her fear of sexual experiences with your penis.

I hope this makes sense – definitely let me know if you have any questions or concerns 🙂 good luck and we are all here for you and your wife.

I would also feel guilty not mentioning: there is the possibility that her extreme avoidance is coming from something deeper, like a traumatic experience. Even if not, I would be sensitive to that if I were you 🙂

[Alice23_5]

Hi!

I understand how difficult this must be for you. I had been married for 3 months before my husband and I finally consummated our marriage. SO maybe I can speak for your wife as well.

In my case my husband being extremely supportive was the only thing that kept me going. I would suggest that you don’t push it too much because that way she’s gonna feel pressurized about it. And remember more the pressure, lesser the chances are. I used to dread having sex while I was suffering from the problem. I always wished that he wouldn’t be in the mood on any given day. But all those initial times we tried and did not work out we just ended up having grind sex instead. And my poor husband would not complain. I’m really so thankful to him for having stayed by my side and not let the frustration get him. He would just say ” It’s alright, we have an entire lifetime ahead of us”. And it was always so reassuring. It was only later after we succeeded that he admitted that it was actually beginning to worry him and he was thinking about a doctor’s visit etc. But trust me I WOULD NOT WANT TO SEE ANY DOCTOR regarding this.
So I tried to cure it myself and guess what, it totally worked.

My agenda was to start using fingers one at a time, then moving on to 2 and 3 fingers and then slowly progress to dilators. I did not have any previous penetration experience, I never even slid my little finger in there! But I slowly got there. Yes it was very painful in the beginning, I even bled when my husband fingered me in the beginning. It also hurt when I peed. I did not give up and I think that is the key. Slowly the pain began to fade. You give her all the motivation and support that she needs to stay put. So finally with a lot of hard work and determination I finally managed to get 3 fingers in there. 3 fingers not flat but holding them together in a small triangle like shape. After doing that for a about a week, one weekend we decided to try actual penetration. We did not plan ahead or anything, we just sort of tried our luck like all the previous times. And instead of getting tensed about the pain, I just thought to myself “If 3 fingers can go in without pain, how painful can this be anyway”
And Lo Behold! It finally happened! I was no longer a virgin. It just happened. With a lot of pain of course, but it really did go in fully! And we did not need the dilators!! And boy was it good! Felt like I reached a whole new level of happiness. No I did not orgasm, and it did take a couple of times before my husband got the hang of it and orgasm-ed. But he did anyway. As of now, I have to go on top and only then can I orgasm from penetration. But trust me the pain is almost like not there anymore. Maybe just a little when he enters in the beginning when we’ve not had sex for couple days but other than that, it’s incredible!

I really hope my story makes you hopeful and that things will really work out for you guys! And please do not fight over this! It really will not do any good, if not worsen the problem. Just be really supportive and loving. She might even be worried that you might leave her because of this, just be as re-assuring as possible, because I’m sure it must really hard on her to handle this.

Good luck you guys and stay positive!

[Sks823]

Alice23_5,

I loved reading your story – your supportive husband, your persistence/strength, and your happy ending! I’m sure that in the past several months things have gotten even easier, and maybe you’ve experimented more with different positions. 🙂

I agree that being supportive and loving is important for a partner of someone who is dealing with vaginismus. And for the partner that has vaginismus – don’t give up! Things can be a little painful (dilators, fingers) but the pain fades!

For_her: hope all is well with your situation! And I hope Alice23_5’s advice with fingers + buying dilators + being persistent (basically being successful with at-home treatment and no physical therapist) helps to give you hope with your wife!

[Jennifer Dembo, LMSW]

Congrats, Alice23_5! Your story is inspiring and exhibits two integral factors to achieving success – support and patience. These concepts are top of mind when we speak with our patients at Maze about vaginimus and treatment plans. Thank you so much for sharing your experience!