Help! I need to stop my feelings!

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    I have a 15 years relationship with my partner. 12 of them living with vaginismus. We had 3 wonderful Years of super active sex life before this catastrophe fell down on us. I was super Sexually active even before our relationship (10 years of pain free extremely active sex life).
    First trying to put a name on what the hell was happening. “Maybe you don’t love your partner anymore” onde doctor told me. It was very confusing, doubting our own feelings… (I stopped loving tampons too go figure…, and I absolutely loved every one night stand I had for 10 years straight. And the prostitutes… wow they must be magical!). Every thing we could afford I have pursued. I went to at least 5 gynaecologists, I had fungus treatments of all sorts, I went to a surgeon, i went to naturopaths, I went to a psychologist and a psychiatrist, I went to pelvic floor physiotherapists, nothing worked. The later stage we decided to go for dilators and work together with them… improvements were made, but I’m not fast enough. During this 12 years, my partner always supported me, although he had some affairs. Every time I found out about them (the ones I’ve found out), they gutted me. I totally understand his position, but it broke me in so many ways. Some of the affairs I’m not sure if they got physical or not, but as soon as I found out about them, and he saw my pain, he cut them off. The last time it was really hurtful and I told him I would prefer for him to tell me rather than I found them out. He told me to trust him, that he would never do it again. So I decided I would trust him with all my heart and stopped being suspicious about everything. I confess it left its marks. It was a hard time for me. By this time we had just moved to another country to start over a new life. Miles away from home with our miracle baby (it was a miracle since having penetrative sex was so so rare), completely alone, no family no friends, and I was staying home with our autistic son (a little on the hard side of raising a child) while he went working and mingle with his new crowd. We continued our dilation journey, but I went on a little cold on the intimacy. Afraid, ashamed, feeling a freak not a women, powerless, gutted, shattered, you name it.
    Now I’ve just found out that he’s having an affair with this women for more then 6 months now, it’s physical and more. He is leaving home to spend nights with her once or twice a week. Messaging each other on my face all the time. Love letters like they are little kids in love. He spent all our savings and got new credits to buy her Stuff (he is the one that makes the money for us to live, so it’s his money right?) When I confronted him, he took a defensive position: why am I controlling him, that it’s my turn to support him after all these years that he’s been supporting me, that he’s feelings matter too, just because he doesn’t cry doesn’t mean his not in pain too, that He needs to smoke his last cigarettes before he can dedicate himself to us exclusively, that I should be happy cause he is doing this for us, that I should be happy for him, that I only see the negative in things, that I’m being selfish.
    This time being in pain, cry or have any physical or verbal expression about my feelings gets him upset. He wants me to continue laughing, and hold his hand and hug him at night. He still wants me to tell him about my day and chitchat. He keeps telling me that being sad or cry is not good for us, and specially not good for our son…
    I love him to death, but I don’t recognise him anymore.
    i try to think, if I want that sex doesn’t matter to him, how come it matters so much to me? Why is it hurting me so much? Why am I being selfish??
    Every time I try to tell him that he’s killing me, he keeps saying that he’s just asking one thing from me, time for him to deal with his shit and be over with it forever, “can you do that for me and for us?”
    I always say yes, but I’m still dying…
    I don’t wear his ring anymore now, but I don’t think he even noticed. I lost almost 10 Kg in 1 or 2 months and he told me I was slimmer the other day, don’t even understand that is from sickness and nothing else.
    I need help, I need to take away my feelings so I can get through his crisis without breaking apart! How can I do that, is there anything that can help me with that?
    Help, I’m desperate…


    UshiDoris, I am so deeply sorry to hear about all that you’ve been struggling with. Your situation is agonizing and of course you don’t want to feel this way anymore.

    First of all, you will know your relationship better than anyone else here so anything I say should be taken with a grain of salt and your own judgment, but I will say that your husband’s behavior is hurtful and you have every right to feel as wounded as you do. The central hurt here is that he has broken your trust by saying he will stop having affairs (or at least disclose them rather than having you find out about them) and then he has refused to do that. It’s damaging to your relationship and it’s not selfish at all for you to feel like he is betraying you and failing to own up to what he is doing. Add that to the stress of raising an autistic child while trying to keep the peace at home and you have a recipe for tons of stress and agony.

    I can’t know of course, but I am a bit suspicious of his claim that he is “getting this out of his system forever” – people cannot know how they’ll feel or what they’ll want in the future, so he has no way of knowing whether he’d do this again. It’s a way for him to prolong something that he wants that he knows causes you pain.

    Your feelings about this won’t go away until the underlying issue (the behavior that is hurting you) is resolved or is in the process of getting addressed. It sounds like you need to sit down and have an extremely frank conversation with your husband where you find out whether he is still invested in your marriage and your life together. You will need to tell him how his behavior has made you feel these past months and see what he is willing to do (not what he claims things can be like in the future when this affair is “out of his system,” but what changes he can make NOW). With this information you can decide how to proceed.

    I am so sorry you have been feeling this way, and I know firsthand how much strain on your self-esteem and on your relationships vaginismus can cause. But your challenges as a couple have stopped being a vaginismus problem and concern what both of you want and are willing to do. You’ll have to find out the answers to those questions before you decide what you need to do for yourself.


    A very interesting website

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