Finally a light at the end of the tunnel

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Home Forums Vaginismus Support Group Vaginismus General Finally a light at the end of the tunnel

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 41 total)
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  • #11476
    Heather34
    Participant

    Hi Elaine. Like Nakitalab and the other members, I want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers daily and I seriously know that this procedure will be life-changing for you in so many ways. I, too, suffered with vaginismus for our entire relationship/marriage (11 years) until receiving this treatment. I often found myself distancing and pulling away from my husband as a protective mechanism. I even considered having the procedure without him as I was honestly so nervous about involving him in any way. He insisted however and it did bring us quite a bit closer. However, the decision to involve your boyfriend is entirely yours to make. Regardless of what you decide, we are all here to support you 100% and I just know this is going to go so well for you.

    #11477
    elaine0086
    Participant

    Thanks Heather and Nakitalab,
    Unfortunately I told Mike a couple of nights ago that I needed space. It was the last thing I wanted to do but I couldnt help it. I couldnt keep going on with him like nothing was wrong. Im sooo incredibly frustrated because I always do this and I dont know how to stop. I thought the treatment in June was going to be the light at the end of my tunnel. The last piece to my crazy puzzle but its not. Im so scared that I will never be able to completely overcome this. I was never fearful of Mike and I opened up to him more than any other person I have in the past. I enjoyed intimacy that I never had before and had so much fun with him. I always end up looking for something wrong with them even when there is nothing wrong. Mike still remains to be amazing. After me crying telling him I cant be in a relationship with him right now and we need to take a step back he tells me he will always be here for me if I ever need anything and that I need to just focus on myself. I know I hurt him and I carry so much guilt because of that. I always do this and I should have known this wasnt going to be any different. I allowed him to open up his heart to me and then I pull a 180 on him.
    I want so badly to fall in love and to live the American dream. Im so scared that it will never be in the cards for me. That Im destined to be alone. I truly hoping that once I head up to Manchester that I wont feel overwhelmed and maybe then I can open myself for love. I have no clue where to go from here. Ive lived most of my life in a “box” so I could just survive but Im so sick of surviving…I just want to live!!!! I debating about going into therapy but I dont know how I feel about that right now. So confused…….

    #11480
    Heather34
    Participant

    Hi Elaine. I’m so, so sorry that you are experiencing this and I want you to know that I’m here for you always. I truly believe that you’re procedure is going to go excellent and be life-changing for you in so many ways. I can only speak for myself but I know that following my own procedure in June, I felt like for the first time I had gained control over a very important aspect of my life and this helped me to feel happier and more self-confident in other areas of life as well. While having vaginismus, I felt like it consumed me as I constantly thought about it and wondered would I ever be cured? What will happen in the future? It was a period of constant uncertainty. Following the procedure, as I wrote above, I felt so many emotions, including relief, happiness, and self-confidence that I hadn’t felt in so long. I want you to know that I am here for you always and we are all here to support you along your journey. Hugs.

    #11484
    Tabia
    Participant

    Elaine,

    I totally agree with Heather. Vaginismus takes a toll on us emotionally and fear becomes prevalent in our lives. There IS light at the end of the tunnel and I can’t wait for you to experience it! Take your time, maybe just keep in close contact with your new love (not closing the door completely) and get ready to experience life on the other side of Vaginismus…It’s amazing!

    Best of luck to you!

    #11485
    Dr. Pacik
    Participant

    This is the nasty face of vaginismus. EVERYONE thinks they are going to be the one failure. Add the uncertainty of a new relationship and loss of control and you have a very uncomfortable situation. When we are out of our routine it is normal to have discomfort. When we are way out on a limb it is not very different than sky-diving…outright terror. There is no easy solution. The best we can do is to just go with the flow and trust the words and good wishes of others. They have been there and are willing to guide you.

    #11491
    elaine0086
    Participant

    Thank you guys for all your kind and supportive words. I really do appreciate. Today has definitely been more positive for me than the past week. All week I was trying to figure out who I felt comfortable enough to take with me on this journey to New Hampshire. I had planned on Mike coming and then I figured with everything that I needed to just bring a friend. After many sleepless night I thought to myself the only person I really want there with me is Mike. I have told a few more people since I have started this phase of my life. The select people I have told have been so incredibly understanding but telling someone is hard enough, asking them to come and support me to New Hampshire makes me extremely uncomfortable. This morning after talking with a friend I decided I need to at least ask.
    I felt so selfish asking this of him. A week ago I told him I needed time and space to find myself and now Im asking him to come with me but still not ready to be in a relationship yet. My friend basically gave me that extra push to just do it. He had texted this afternoon just to say that he was thinking of me. We started texting back and forth. Him expressing that he misses me and understands but doesn’t. He wants to be mad but cant. The anxiety was building up in me with each text. Before I asked I explained that I still have feelings for him but that I just have so much on my plate right now and need time to organize thoughts and to find myself again. Also that I wish I had met him a month or so after I get myself “fixed” but then again I most likely would not be doing this if it weren’t for him. Then explained to him that I needed to ask him something but I needed him to promise me that he will be 100% honest with me. That he always tells me that I need to put myself first in all this but right now I really need him to put himself first. To do what is best for him.
    After explaining to him that I want his support to New Hampshire he ask if he could think about it but that he does want to. After a couple of text back and forth he stated that he wanted to go. Soooooo now we are back to the original plan. I still am having anxiety about this coming up but I realize that it is normal. A lot can happen in four weeks but as of right now I think I want him during counseling but not during the dilation since we are not a couple but who knows. I think I have decided to not put so much pressure on trying to figure out everything. Ill know when I get there what is right for me.
    Im sure I will still have a lot more roller coaster moments but I do feel much more positive about everything. This forum has helped so incredibly much in knowing I have so much support out there and people knowing where Im coming from. Also just writing out my thoughts is great therapy. One last thing I ended up purchasing the book “Calling in the One” Although I am just at the beginning of the book it has already opened my eyes a lot on how Im perceiving my life. I highly recommend anyone who is facing similar issue with allowing yourself to love and become close in a relationship to read this book. It is extremely eye opening!!!! Well have a good evening everyone!!!!!!

    #11496
    Nakitalab
    Participant

    Hi Elaine! I’m so happy for you! It is so awesome that you worked through your fears and asked Mike. I truly feel that it will be a huge help to you having him there. You probably will have more roller coaster moments and start doubting yourself but when you feel those feelings journal them and don’t act on them right away. It is so wonderful how much you have grown all ready. I’m really, really happy for you, Elaine. Please know that we are all here for you no matter what. We are behind you and you are not alone. So glad you found Dr. Pacik and the Forum.

    #11499
    elaine0086
    Participant

    Thank you Nakitalab:)
    All of you guys are so amazing! I am also so happy that I found Dr. Pacik and the Forum. I know if I hadn’t and if I hadn’t met Mike I would still be basically living in solitude. I am so excited but at the same time getting nervous with New Hampshire. I cannot believe that it is only 3 1/2 weeks away!!!! Ive lived like this for 11 years and to know in less than a month my whole world is going to change feels like a dream. Not being able to have sex does not just effect your sex life but sooo many other aspects of your life. It is a whole new world that I will be experiencing:)

    #11516
    elaine0086
    Participant

    So I can not believe it is only three weeks away before Ill be taking a huge step forward with my life. It still seems so surreal I don’t think I have really processed everything just yet. I have fear, uncertainty, but most of all excitement and happiness. Also I am so ready to move on with my life. I truly feel obsessed with researching vaginismus and reading this forum. I have spent so many years trying to ignore this and now I am just so ready to face this and move forward! I still am struggling day to day with my feelings towards Mike. One day I wake up and I am ready to move forward in a relationship with him and then the next I am not. I have tried to keep some distance between us because I know I have hurt him already and I fear that I will hurt him even more. I do enjoy hanging around him because he provides me comfort and reassurance but at the same time with me not knowing what I want out of us I do want o allow him too close. He deserves someone that can give him a 100% and I am just not there yet. He is still coming to New Hampshire with me and I know he is exactly who I need there but I am not sure if it is the right decision for him. I feel so selfish asking him to go and I have told him that. He just tells me that he is capable of making his own decisions and that he wants to go. So hopefully this doesn’t go badly…..
    But at the end of all I can not wait for these three weeks to pass by. Thank you all for all your support and for all your stories that you have shared. They have helped so much and put a lot of my questioning at rest. Hope you guys are having a wonderful Memorial Day weekend!!!

    #11517
    Dr. Pacik
    Participant

    Not only will you gain from the experience, but Mike will also, even if one day you are no longer a couple. Whether it is a mother, aunt, sister, significant other or husband, witnessing the involuntary withdrawal behavior even under anesthesia is an eye opener for all, and truly helps define vaginismus as an uncontrolled involuntary response to penetration. For those who are reading this section please comment on the value of having someone special in the operating room with you. What do you feel were the benefits (or disadvantages if any) and what were the comments from the person supporting you?

    I look forward to helping you in every way I can.

    #11518
    elaine0086
    Participant

    I guess I have some conflicting feelings on Mike being in the procedure room and being with me during dilation. As for the procedure room no one since I was 15 has seen me down there. So for the first time being when I under anesthesia is uncomfortable for me. As far as I can tell he isn’t one of the guys that thinks it is in my head. He seems to truly understand it so I am not sure for me if the benefits out weigh the disadvantages for me. It is already really hard for me to wrap my head around everything that will be happening during those few days to add Mike into the mix with the procedure room is pretty difficult for me.
    As for the dilation process this also makes me really uncomfortable. When Mike and I were in a firm relationship I was trying to convince myself that it was worth the uncomfortable feeling for him to be there. Now I am not sure if it is good for either one of us. He still is struggling with what is going on between us right now and I do not want to hurt him anymore than I have. I have a fear that being together in such an intimate and life changing moment for me will only bring him closer to me and if it doesn’t bring me closer to him that will make things worse. Also I guess when I envisioned a guy down there (especially the first time) it would be during an intimate sensual time not an awkward medical time. Am I wrong to think this???? I would love any advice especially to those who have had this procedure done that were not in a serious relationship or brought someone along that was not your significant other….Thanks!!!

    #11519
    Heather34
    Participant

    Hi Elaine. I just returned from a long weekend in upstate NY in which it snowed 36” – unbelievable weather for May. I hope you had a nice long weekend. I had so many of the same feelings as you prior to my own procedure a couple of years ago in June. You are not alone with any of your feelings. I can only speak for myself and tell you what I did as everyone’s experience is unique to them. Dr. Pacik asked me if I wanted to have my husband in the procedure room with me and the thought of this made me too nervous and uncomfortable so he did not go in there with me. He held my hand when I went in and was right there for me once I woke up. This worked fine for the two of us but, again, everyone is different and has their own individual experiences with this. I want you to sincerely know that I am here for you and please know that regardless of what you decide, the procedure is going to go so well for you and be life-changing in so many ways. Hugs. :):):)

    #11520
    Dr. Pacik
    Participant

    After reading your most recent post I am in complete agreement with your sentiments and would suggest that Mike not witness the procedure. He can still accompany you for the treatment if you desire. I have had husbands tell me they did not want to witness the procedure, they were happy to stay at the head of the table and hold their loved ones hand. They simply did not want this clinical experience to be part of their sexual relationship. These men did just fine with the post procedure counseling.

    #11521
    elaine0086
    Participant

    Thank you Dr. Pacik and Heather. I feel a lot better now about my decision. Do you also feel the same about the dilation? I would like him to be present during the counseling but again I feel the same about dilation as I do the procedure. It just makes me really uncomfortable with the idea people being around while I dilate period but I can grin and bear it with the staff but do I need to with Mike??
    Again thank you so much for all the support and advice. I have no clue what I would do without this forum. It is like therapy for me. Being able to express what I am feeling and knowing Im not going to be judge and that people can relate to where I am coming from. I have never had that before which I know most of you haven’t either. Thank you all again!!!

    #11522
    Nakitalab
    Participant

    Hi Elaine, my husband was not able to go back to NH with me and so I had my sister go with me. I really wish that my husband could have as I know it would have been more beneficial for both of us. But it is important for you to go with your heart, your gut feeling and do what is right for you. It is not being selfish at all. Right now you need to do what is right for you. You have been through so much and now you are embarking of the awesome journey of healing. Everyone’s journey is different and there is no wrong or right way. Your way is the right way for you. Please know that you are in my prayers and I am here for you. I’m so excited that you are having the procedure. It will truly be life changing. I totally understand the many emotions and feelings you are going through right now. Be patient and kind to yourself. Your feelings are real and valid. Sending you a big hug.

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 41 total)
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