Feeling so empty and incomplete

[Shaap33]

Hello all, I am new to this forum. This is going to be a really long post, so please bear with me. I am 28 years old and I got married almost a year ago and I have been highly unsuccessful in achieving intercourse. I had really never attempted to explore myself down there and hadn’t even used a tampon and the moment we tried the first time, I quickly closed my legs in anticipation of fear. After a couple of weeks of trying and being unsuccessful, I finally got myself to atleast not close my legs up so tightly in anticipation of fear but my husband said he couldn’t feel my vaginal opening at all. And me being someone who had absolutely no idea what to expect, I felt so embarrassed that i didn’t know my body at all. We then decided to take things slowly and have me get used to my body first. So i bought a set of silicone dialators (The small set) from soul source and I was slowly hoping to work my way up and thought I could get myself to have intercourse soon. But to my utter dismay, I could never get past the second dialotor. When the dialator goes in further than two inches, I feel like its hitting a wall and it induces a sharp pain. After months of trying, I finally decided to visit a Gynaecologist last month because I thought I may have vaginismus. She did an exam a few weeks ago by inserting two fingers and applying some pressure to understand my pain points. She anticipates that I may not have vaginismus since I am able to get in the 2inch dialator and told me to come back for another exam in a few weeks time along with my dialator so that she can see how I am using them. And in the meanwhile, she told me to keep using the dialators (whichever size goes in without pain – even if its the smallest). Although I am convinced that I have vaginismus from all the articles I have been reading up online, she insisted that may not be the case and told me she wants to make sure I don’t have any underlying physical causes. I have a follow-up appointment with her tomorrow and I really wish she can pin down on the real cause for this excruciating pain. Its been a pretty daunting year for me because I just moved to the US from Asia and I have been having so many other things going on. Its emotionally so draining because I haven’t able to tell anyone about this, and it makes me guilty to have to fake about having a perfect sex life to my friends and my mother. My husband is extremely comforting and hasn’t pushed me to do anything that makes me uncomfortable but I feel so empty and incomplete. When I look at any couple, the first thing that goes on in my head is how perfect their relationship must be and it wrecks me completely to think that I am unable to do something that possibly happens so naturally for most people. I try to think of this objectively and remain strong and motivated but on most days it gets to me. I recently came across Maze and its so heart warming to read all the incredible success stories. Once I am done with my appointment tomorrow and will hopefully have a diagnosis and if it indeed is vaginismus, I am thinking of getting the Botox injections although it freaks me out entirely. I am worried about any side effects like urinary incontinence and also about being administered anaesthesia. The last one year has been so awful that my mind always thinks about all the possible things that can go wrong.

[Leslie Turner, WHNP, CNM]

Shaap33,
So glad that you found us here at Maze and thank you for sharing your story. This forum exists to offer women such as yourself hope and support as you navigate the process of receiving a diagnosis and moving through your healing journey. Glad to hear that you are being proactive about receiving care. If you have any questions about how we practice at Maze or the Botox procedure, please contact us for a consultation. Take good care of yourself.

[recessivegenequeen]

Shaap33, welcome to the forums! I commend your bravery in posting here. Vaginismus is such a lonely, alienating thing, especially for someone who’s new to marriage/the US and is dealing with everything else you have going on.

I am someone who had the botox procedure done a little over two years ago and it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. My vaginismus was severe – the idea of even inserting the smallest dilator was out of the question. Botox changed everything for me, and after 20 days of dilating, I was able to have sex for the first time in my life after having suffered from vaginismus for 10 years. It seems insane to me even now that it used to be part of my life, but that’s the one thing about vaginismus that is lucky – it’s extremely treatable and you can have a completely normal sex life someday. I believe you can get there, one way or another.

How was your appointment? Did you get a vaginismus diagnosis or any other kind of clarity? Please let us know if you have questions along the way!

[Shaap33]

Thanks for your messages! Just wanted to give an update. The Gynecologist confirmed that I have vaginismus and no other underlying physical issues and suggested a few positions that will help relax my muscles a little better than the position I was then using to insert the dilators. I kept at it for the last 2 months, I dilated meticulously for 2 hours everyday and somehow managed to get to dilator #6 of the soul source silicon dilator set !! 🙂 it made me immensely happy to know that I am normal too and someday I could have intercourse with my husband 🙂
I had 2 questions – Firstly, I am unable to progress to dilator #7 (I assume thats the size of the penis? it has a girth of 4.5inches) No matter how hard I try, how much I try to relax and no amount of lube appears to be helping. I cant even seem to get it to enter a little bit. So I went back to dilator #6. Any words of advice on how to transition to #7? Should I even get to #7 or can I transition to sexual intercourse?
Secondly, I notice that whenever I take breaks from dilation (say around for 1 week or so), when I get back to it subsequently, I seem to fail on the first day I resume at the size that last seemed comfortable. So I end up sizing back for the first 2 or 3 days and it takes me almost 4-5 days to get back to the size that was comfortable before the break. Does this happen to others too?

[mazemelissa]

Congrats on such great success with dilation.

If your partner is the same size at the #6 dilator you are using, you might be able to transition to intercourse without having to move up to the #7 size. I usually do push to try and dilate larger than your partner, since that will make the transition to intercourse easier. I would do some measuring.

I think what you are noticing about taking days off from dilation, and then having to work back up through the dilators is very normal. Women note that all the time. Which is why daily dilation works best for women whose muscles are that reactive.

Botox could help this situation, as it would freeze the muscles and they wouldn’t be able to tighten back up. So your dilation progress would be maintained.

[recessivegenequeen]

Congrats on your progress, Shaap33! This is a huge step and you should be proud of yourself. I second what Melissa said about taking longer breaks from dilation – at first you’re definitely going to need to do a bit of catching up to where you were, which can feel discouraging, but usually that catching up happens more quickly than getting to whatever point you stopped at did the first time. It’s why I generally recommend dilating every day if at all possible when you’re working toward intercourse just because those setbacks aren’t fun.

Also, being able to insert (at least partially) a dilator bigger than your partner’s penis is good for confidence in addition to the muscle stretching you’re used to, I’ve found.

Keep it up and good luck!

[Shaap33]

Thank you for the immense support and advice. The virtual support provided by this forum is emotionally so strengthening and I cant thank you all enough for that.

As suggested by Melissa, I did some measuring and my husband is somewhere between the #6 and #7. I kept pushing myself over the month, but not even the tip of #7 is able to go in. I consulted with my gynecologist again and she encouraged me to have intercourse as I am almost there. However, over the months of both emotional and physical struggle, I have gotten to understand that even a few cm makes a huge difference and I am afraid to try without actually getting there because i feel like if there’s no luck, the emotional setback will derail me terribly.

The #6 that I have has a girth of 4inch and the #7, 4.5inches and I am currently using the soul source silicone dilators. Are there any other dilators that I can find online that has a size in between these two?

I came across the millimedical dilator that has variable expansion that goes up to 5 inches in circumference (in very small increments) but I am apprehensive to use it as I don’t find too many reviews online and its a little expensive too.

Once again, I cannot explain how thankful I am to this forum and all the wonderful ladies. The amount of information, support and guidance I have got reading all the posts and the feeling of not being alone is inexplicable. I hope someday I can transition to the other side 🙂

[Leslie Turner, WHNP, CNM]

hi Shaap33,
first of all, congratulations on your amazing progress!

I have heard good things about the Milli dilator. Another nice feature of that dilator is the vibration option. We have found that a mild vibration can sometimes help relax the muscles just enough to make dilating to a larger size slightly easier. In fact, we occasionally will recommend an internal vibrator as an intermediary in helping vaginismus patients progress to a larger size. Many patients also will use the vibrator clitorally prior to insertion- arousal and orgasm will further help the pelvic floor muscles (and you!) to relax, which aids in moving to a larger size.

Keep us posted!

[recessivegenequeen]

Shaap33, good job!!! You’re making so much progress!

Leslie is right – I definitely had more success with dilating with larger sizes when I was aroused. Plus, even if you do find that your partner’s penis is a really similar size to the dilator you’re on, a penis is actually EASIER to insert (way softer and more pliable than rigid plastic). I get the fear you’re feeling, but take some solace in the immense progress you’ve made already – it’s only a matter of time when you’re already working so hard and seeing such results!

[Ashly_1996]

Hi SHAAP33,

Thanks for shearing your story, it is nice to know that I am not alone with this feelings, I think you should always remember that sex is not the most important thing in a relationship, trust and communication are more valuable , I also think it is amazing that your partner supports you and doesn’t pressure you in any way. I also felt incomplete when I was told that I got vaginismus, I felt overwhelmed, this forum helped me as well. So just don’t forget that you’re not alone and indeed dilators are helpful.

Best regards

[Fatyu1259]

Thanks for your share!
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