feeling lost and hopeless

[anan326]

Hi,

New here to the forum and the Maze.
I never realized how many women out there struggle like I do.
I have known I’ve had “vaginal” issues for a long time. Initially when I was younger, I would be told that I needed to relax, “maybe drink a glass of wine”, etc. I was not sexually active or in a relationship, so I never really paid attention.
I met my now husband of 5.5 years when I was 21. At that time, due to religious preferences, I abstained. However, I still felt pain and tensing at the insertion of a finger. Again at that time, I was told because I wasn’t mentally ready because I had chosen to abstain.
Fast forward 9 years. My husband has moved out of the house. He is feels rejected, undesired, and unloved. He holds a lot of resentment. He feels that he cannot come back to the person who has caused him so much sadness in his life. He felt that things would have changed after marriage, but they have not. I have repeatedly declined and refused him. To the point where we have NO intimacy at all. He has worn him down and he is depressed. He tells me he loves me but that he cannot continue to be in this relationship. He wants a “fresh start”.
I have a strong history of anxiety and anorexia, so I have never been very comfortable in my own skin. I completely shut down the part of me that had any sexual desire due to the fear of disappointing my husband. We brushed it under the rug and just avoided it all together, until it all came to a head in year (2019).
I miss my husband tremendously. Over the past 9 (5.5 years married) years, he has been so patient, doting, and loving. I only wish I had just sought out help earlier. Now I am at a crossroads where I know I need to advocate for me and take care of my needs FOR ME, but also want my husband to see that I do love him. I do want to be with him and I do desire him. I was just so embarrassed, fearful, and anxious that I just could not seek help. I could not overcome that hurdle.
I know this may be the end of our relationship, but I cannot just leave him without a fight.
I feel so sad and hopeless.
I have scheduled an appointment at the Maze center for next month. I know it’s not too late to take care of me, but I fear it just is too late for my relationship.
Any advice and suggestions would be appreciated.

[Leslie Turner, WHNP, CNM]

Dear anan326,
So sorry to hear that you are going through this in your relationship right now. Please know that vaginismus is treatable and while the treatment doesn’t occur overnight, with consistency and support, you will get there.
I also recommend that you find a very good local therapist who is familiar with vaginismus who can help guide you emotionally through the treatment process and can also support you as you and your husband navigate this difficult time in your relationship.
Please keep posting here to receive support from other women who have been where you are now. And we look forward to meeting you next month at Maze.
take good care,
Leslie

[recessivegenequeen]

Anan326, I’m so sorry to hear about the effect Vaginismus has had on your marriage. Many of us are familiar with this heartbreaking story as we’ve lived it to some extent in our own lives, but as someone on the other side of the journey I can tell you that not all hope is lost. Vaginismus is fully treatable, and having made an appointment at the Maze Clinic is a huge step! You should be so proud!

I can’t know what your husband is thinking and feeling, but taking a step toward getting help is huge (and many people will tell you that the FIRST step is always the hardest). I hope that he’ll see the work you’re doing and be willing to work on the marriage with you, but i think it’s great that you acknowledge that the work of curing your vaginismus needs to be done for YOU. Please keep fighting and let us know how it goes – I have so much faith in your ability to build a better life for yourself!