At my wits end with vaginismus. Will I ever be free from it?
July 25, 2021 at 7:35 am #45628stargazer_Participant
Hi everyone, I am long time lurker of this forum, first time poster. It has taken me so long to gather up the strength to type about this subject. Vaginismus has plagued my life ever since I became sexual at 17 (I am now 28). I have been with my now husband since that time. I have had physical check ups down there and doctors say its all looking good and healthy down there and than I have vaginismus and that my problem is mostly in my head.
I do suffer from several MH conditions (mostly anxiety disorders) but even when these are being treated and managed well, my vaginismus is always just as bad. Me and my husband have never managed to have proper sex. We are lucky if he can get the tip and even that is rare. We have tried lube, different positions, even getting drunk to try and relax me but its like there is a physical block down there for me. Understandably, this has caused tension over the years especially as we got older and all our friends were having kids and even though we don’t want kids, it just shows that everyone else is functional down there, except me. I have been in and out of therapy all my life for my MH conditions and the vaginismus has been lightly touched upon but since the therapists weren’t specialised in sexual disorders, they couldn’t really help much. My GP basically just told me to relax and keep trying.
I haven’t even been for a smear test because whenever I open my legs, they instantly clam up. I have genital psoriasis and get that checked out every so often and even then when the nurse just has to look at my vulva and not put anything inside, I sit there in tears and clench my fist until it is over. I have never been able to put a tampon in before either. I used to be able to get a finger in quite comfortably a few years ago but after a bad experience one time and it was painful, I never tried it again
I recently bought some dilators (Myaid ones, I think they are called) and the smallest one is about finger width and length and even with lube and relaxing (as much as I can), I can still only get about 2 or 3cm of it in and it feels burning, uncomfortable and like I am being violated almost. The physical wall block is there too.
I would love to talk to women who sadly are in the same boat or those lucky ones who have overcome their vaginismus. I feel like a failure of a partner because I can’t fulfill my husband’s needs on this one front when everyone else around me can easily do it for their partners or so it seems but I also feel like a failure to myself as I can’t even go for a life saving smear test or have any other tests down there that are ever needed. I would literally have to be knocked out to get it done. I honestly feel sometimes lik climbing Mount Everest would be easier than conquering vaginismus.
Thank you to all who take the time to read this. Take care xxJuly 25, 2021 at 9:28 pm #45643recessivegenequeenParticipant
Hi stargazer – I’m glad you posted in the forums after a long time of looking around! You’re brave to share your story, and i’m so sorry for all the pain and negative emotions you’ve been through. I suffered from vaginismus for almost 10 years before I was finally able to get treatment that helped, so I know what it feels like to live with those feelings of shame and inadequacy for so long. It does such a number on your self-esteem and you should be proud of yourself for taking steps to seek treatment like ordering dilators even when you’re having such a hard time.
My vaginismus was severe and sounds like how you describe yours – NOTHING could get in and my response to being touched down there was to clench for dear life (not that I could control it). I eventually went to the Maze clinic after my partner encouraged me to seek treatment and they determined my vaginismus was too severe for me to see much progress with traditional dilation methods. I eventually got the botox treatment that Maze offers and was able to be penetrated 20 days later, so I can swear by its efficacy even in extreme cases. Since you’ve tried so much before without success I’d seriously recommend looking into it. It was so worth it for the peace of mind and the improvement to my sex life. You can read more about it here:
Don’t hesitate to ask any questions you have – and I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I never thought I’d be able to have intercourse, much less ENJOY pain-free sex, so even if it feels impossible now, it doesn’t always have to be.July 26, 2021 at 8:16 am #45776DishazParticipant
Stargazer, have you ever been to a pelvic floor therapist? I’m not sure a dilator set is meant to be used on your own without extra help. My therapist explained to me how to use them and told me everything about my pelvic floor muscles and stuff, and she also did some exercises with me during therapy.
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