Am I off to a good start?

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  • #8954
    venti
    Participant

    Hi, I’m eighteen years old and a college student. I have been in a serious relationship with a great guy for a year, and because of our ages, we have waited to have sex until recently. It isn’t really a priority for me or him, because our relationship is great without it, so it wasn’t devastating or anything for him or myself when we discovered that sex is impossible. However, it was the causes of my vaginismus that convinced me to research the issue and take action.

    When I was thirteen, I was sexually assaulted, but it was partially my fault because I invited the boy into my home without my parents knowing. They found out and were very upset. At me. For a year, my father barely spoke to me. His disappointment never really faded. My mother then took me to the doctor so I could be checked for STI’s. Instead of letting me do it the regular way (peeing in a cup), she had our old male family doctor give me a vaginal exam. She told me she wanted me to feel humiliated, so I would never do anything like that again.

    Since then, I’ve had many relationships but I never did anything sexual. Still, I sort of earned a scarlet letter in high school– girls hated me and boys tried to get with me at embarrassing rates. Everyone thought I was a sex goddess (or a slut) and eventually, when I was fifteen, rumors flew that I had a disease, even though the most I’d done since my attack two years ago was kiss boys. I was ruined; I lost most of my friends and was bullied, by girls mostly and by the guys who took it personally when I refused them. Here’s why I took it too hard: I’m a really softhearted person. I cry when strangers cry and if a person doesn’t smile back when I’m walking through a shop, it puts a damper on my mood. It nearly killed me when I heard stories of unspeakably crude things I never did with boys (or girls) I barely knew. All the nasty looks and the cold shoulders from people I went to school and church with made me very shy and anxious. I became timid, especially around girls. I am still often surrounded by girls who say such judgmental things about girls who are active sexually. In a way, other girls are my worst fear.

    My boyfriend was my best friend before we started dating, and he’s incredible. I trust him with my life, and he is very understanding. He doesn’t try to rush me at all; in fact, when I told him about vaginismus and the possible treatments, he assured me over and over that I didn’t need to change for him, that our life together was just fine. But I need to do this for me. Suddenly I’m conscious of how afraid I am of other people, and how that had made me afraid of my own body. I don’t want to push my boyfriend away anymore when he tries to touch me. I hate that I can’t wear tampons, still. I want to make my boyfriend feel as amazing as he makes me feel. I want to have kids, and a really fun honeymoon. I admit, we might not even be ready for sex, but I want the choice of having it. I am uncomfortable with simply touching myself, and it has nothing to do with how attractive I think I am. It’s shame. I can’t shake loose the idea that if I’m as pure as a nun, I’ll be able to forget all the times people rejected me because of my reputation. That I’ll prove wrong the people who refute me as being a whore if I’m frigid. I have overcome some social anxiety and panic attacks, and now I want to reclaim my own body.

    #11679
    mmHeather34
    Moderator

    Hi venti. I am so sorry to hear of your struggles with vaginismus and I want you to sincerely know that I am here for you 100%. I am so very happy that you have found Dr. Pacik and this Forum. I searched for so many years to find a cure for this condition and experienced so many similar emotions as you describe. I was 25 when my now husband and I started dating. I knew something was wrong with me prior to this as I couldn’t wear tampons, undergo an ob/gyn exam, or do anything at all involving penetration. So, my hubby and I tried so many times and different ways to make sex possible and it never ever worked. Then, I tried so many different treatments, from ordering the vag.com dilators and trying on my own (to no avail) and trying pelvic floor PT. I couldn’t succeed as I couldn’t insert anything for the PT or dilating to work. I felt like every single time I tried, I hit a wall and it caused burning pain which just reinforced my fears. So, I gave up looking for a while and became a workaholic and over-achiever to try to make up for this. My husband supported me through all of this and always said it didn’t matter to him as we were intimate in other ways but it always, always mattered to me. I finally began researching again and, as your wrote in your post, decided to take action which led me to finding out about Dr. Pacik and this treatment. I found out about it through a post from one of the girls on a yahoo forum (ttcwithvag) describing a pilot study that he was conducting. I was terrified at first to contact his office but, again, with the support of my awesome hubby, I did it and, as I wrote to you previously, it was one of the best phone calls that I’ve ever made. I ended up meeting with Dr. Pacik and then having the procedure in June 2011. Thereafter, within 7 days, on July 4th, my hubby and I were able to make love for the first time in our entire relationship/marriage. We both cried, which he never does and I try not to (lol). This past July 4th, we celebrated our 2 year sex-versary and it was so wonderful. I often look back on what I believe made this treatment work when all of the other ones failed and I had essentially given up, and I think its for a combination of so many different reasons. First, Dr. Pacik himself along with all of his staff are simply amazing – they are like no other doctors out there in that they care so much about your success and actually understand both the physical as well as emotional components of vaginismus. They all work with you right from the very first time you contact their office until well after your treatment as part of the program is sending in daily dilation logs and following-up with the doctor. I could never describe in writing how much this element of the program helped me but it just made it work when nothing else had. Another thing that really made it work when, again, in the past, I couldn’t insert a thing was waking up from the procedure with the largest dilator in place. This was the first time anything had been inside of me and I mentally realized that I wasn’t broken and something could be in there and it didn’t hurt. This may sound so silly but it flipped a switch in my mind and helped me to see that I could now accommodate dilators and, later my husband with intercourse. By allowing my husband to also see this and share in the moment, it allowed him to realize that something could be inside of me pain-free and helped him to see and believe that he would no longer hurt me when we attempted intercourse. Post-procedure, the wall of resistance that I described above and couldn’t get passed, disappeared, and I was now able to use lidocaine/surgilube on all of the dilators and insert them right in – no “great wall” as my husband had called it. I’m sincerely happy that you’ve found this Forum, Dr. Pacik, and this treatment and I know you will be able to overcome vaginismus too!!! Please know that we are all here to support you!!!

    #11693
    Nakitalab
    Participant

    Hi Venti, I am so very sorry all that you have gone through in your young life. The attack that happened was not your fault, allowing a friend to come into your home does not give them permission to hurt you. Please, please know that. You did nothing to deserve that. And I’m so sorry the kids in your school were so mean and hurtful. They had no clue what really happened. Your boyfriend now sounds amazing, loving and truly supportive of you. That is such a huge blessing. You deserve to have the things that you want, they fun honeymoon, the kids, etc. and you can have them. I so hope that you will feel comfortable to call Dr. Pacik. I am 52 years old and have had vaginismus for over 34 years, while married to my husband of 32 years. I was not able to use tampons, have a GYN exam and intercourse was extremely painful for me. In fact for the first several years of our marriage we weren’t able to have intercourse. It was like there was a wall that slammed shut and wouldn’t let anything in….no matter how big or small. I truly felt there was no hope for me and that this was the way life was going to be for me. But last year I stumbled across Dr. Pacik’s website and this Forum and my life took a drastic turn for the good. I always thought that I was alone and the only girl who had this problem. Dr’s didn’t know what to do with me. I tried every treatment under the sun including removal of my hymen and an episotomy. It allowed me to start using a dilator but I didn’t know what the heck I was doing. Afraid of my own body, not even looking at it or knowing how it worked so I gave up again. October of last year I had my procedure with Dr. Pacik and between the procedure and consistently doing the dialtor program I am so happy to say that I can have pain free intercourse with my husband now. I still can’t believe it. But it truly worked and it can for you too! The Forum has been such a blessing in that I can share my ups and downs, ask questions, etc. to other girls/women who have felt and/or going through the same thing as me. I promise you, Venti you can be healed and be able to experience all those things you have dreamed of. We are all here for you. Have hope that you can be healed from Vaginismus! Keeping you in my prayers.

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