8YR Story

[Kirina]

I have only recently discovered this forum while doing some research on my “failure” to be a woman. Even referring to myself as a “woman” makes me cringe because I feel more like a “thing” and a defect at that . I cannot keep this in any longer and I truly appreciate the chance to just… let it all out without fear of repercussion.

Vaginismus is eating me alive. I admire and am astounded by you ladies out there who have gone many years with a partner and endured this kind of emotional battering. I guess I am just weak. My story: just after my 16th birthday a builder who was renovating our roof asked me to drop by a nearby house as he’d forgotten his keys. Without having the option and with a lot of pain my virginity was snatched away. I didn’t put up a REAL fight though – so that made it OK apparently…that made it consenting… I was so immobilized by what was happening I just couldn’t cope but it has scarred me to this day. But what hurts more is that it’s affecting my relationships. I was so desperate to be “normal” that I just threw myself around freely. I have become pretty damned good at seducing and at giving oral – but I am thankful that my body never gave in or I might regret it even more. Least to say the fact sex didn’t work also screwed my self esteem. Didn’t help that my first longterm relationship at 19 started off with my then bf penetrating me in the early hours of the morning even when I said no four times. I didn’t hurt but I felt violated. I still don’t know why I stuck around-he emotionally broke me down until there was nothing left and then dumped me. In the last 4 years, however, I have had 3 relationships – 2 of which were long distance and by far the happiest of them all. I had tried in between dating someone nearby as my doctor suggested but that was a nightmare. After our first sexual encounter he dropped me like a sack of….and after telling me he had tonsillitis which I got from him and was so severe I was hospitalized for three weeks and lost my job for… :'(

Anyway back to the long term boyfriends. Well I just realized they were the best because it WAS long distance. Less together time = less sex stress. When I did see my first LDR bf I’d just endure the pain but it was worth it for his company and his love. It was with HIM that I experienced the ONLY time my body was in sync with my mind. So, how was it, my first “non-painful” sexual encounter? It was RUINED. In the past when I’d asked him to slow or stop he’d not listen but the ONE TIME I wanted it deeper and faster because it actually felt nice he ignored me and finished within the minute. I was devastated and I just couldn’t open up to him anymore. So I ended it. I had felt betrayed even if in reality he’d done nothing wrong but I was am stupid, weak and naive.

Long distance bf number 2: pffft. Well I really liked this guy. A LOT. I pursued him for many months – beyond what was normal but he eventually gave me the chance. He was a slow roller but now he’s rolling he’s very much in love with me. I love his company and he was the first man I told about my condition. He was the first man that after we tried and failed to have sex that I cried and broke down with all the trauma of the past flooding out. That night while he was asleep I had gone out with the mindset of committing suicide but as much as the evening was a blur I’m still here with the physical scars, for better or worse, I don’t know. After sex failed more than once he stopped bothering to try and I was frightened to be intimate at all in case he wanted to. I then decided that an open relationship was best – it’d make me feel better. Not for ME, I can’t have sex anyway hahahahahahaah…. but I gave him the green light to go and “do” other ladies while he was at home. To my surprise the suggestion made him very angry. The fact he was so loyal didn’t improve our sex life however. The fact he quit his job to play an online game didn’t help. Or the fact he never tried to help with travel costs that until now I have paid everything out of desperation for the last two years. Then he got a job and tried to book dates: as much as I love his company and his patience, his dignity and his loyalty I just don’t want to be anything more than friends. I don’t want the pressure. I ended our relationship a week ago but I don’t think he really understands how over WE are. It hurt a lot (shaking, puking, crying, cutting you name it I did it) – until I realized that we really ARE only friends, friends that love each other. For me our relationship has been over for many many many months but I just never wanted to hurt him. He didn’t seem that hurt though when I finished it but he would be hurt to find out that I have a friend who has aroused my libido.

This friend – really is just a friend. But the moment I ended my relationship he became a different person. He’s after me – and the sudden intense attention and obvious attraction made me so aroused that it was physically painful. Good thing he’s abroad investing in his father’s business. But ANOTHER long distance relationship? Another relationship full stop? I’m not sure. I will take time out to heal from just splitting but I can’t help consider the future. I told him about my not so little vaginal problem and like the MAJORITY of the men I’ve dated in my life said he isn’t bothered “as long as it works out”… what the hell is that supposed to mean? Unless a guy has experienced a woman with vaginismus they don’t have a bloody clue what it’s like… I am trying to remember that fact.

Anyway. I am lonely over this. I am jealous of the women that throw their fannies around as easily as I might throw a pencil. I am jealous of the fulfilling sexual relationships that my social circle experience and gossip about (“oh the other day we did this position it was amazing..”) I feel like a child throwing a tantrum because I’m not getting what I want but isn’t EIGHT YEARS enough of a wait for something GOOD? Bless all you ladies out there who have waited and endured longer. I hate the fact that the only sexual fun I have is in my damned mind when I cook up a fantasy. I am so sick of crying and being told I am not “relaxed enough”. Isn’t this nature’s way of telling me I shouldn’t breed? I don’t blame nature – I wouldn’t want another me in this world either but isn’t that what a condom is for? Isn’t this nature’s way of saying I’m so ugly that just in case I do get to whatever base it is for sex to happen that it shan’t be allowed? Or is it my body is only for certain men who are man enough to TAKE it from me in blood, sweat and pain? I have even considered taking a knife to my vagina so that if it’s truly scarred I then have a really really really good excuse and PROOF at why I can’t have sex and then get over it? Or maybe have my ovaries removed or a hormone suppression drug so that I can’t feel aroused? I went to pole dancing classes a few months ago – I have no issues with my body image as it seems men like it at least so what about becoming a stripper? That’s all I’m good for: looking at.

Logically I am more than a vagina. I’m sorry I haven’t had an earth shattering epiphany about my “soul” if I have one. I’m sorry I haven’t met the kind of man that will stick around my defect – and even if there is such a man it’s only fair to be friends with him so that the intimate aspect of his life may at least be fulfilled. Even if I meet a man who isn’t bothered what is the point? Even if HE isn’t bothered ***I*** am bothered = with each passing day that sex fails or doesn’t happen just enforces my uselessness as WOMAN, not as a tax paying citizen. Long distance relationships at least slow that process down. I did just have an epiphany: if this was the “good ol’ days” then I’d be dead. I wouldn’t even be able to prostitute myself for food. How sad is that?

I think that’s everything for now. It’s embarrassing to know that the average human being wouldn’t a) bother to listen to this and b) just tell me to “get over it ffs” and continue to live their lives where their biggest problem is if the yogurt is moldy or who is the father of child number 9.

This is the point I go back to bed and sleep it away. But I’m tired of it always being like this. I don’t know what to do anymore.

[Heather34]

Hi Kirina! I want to welcome you to the Forum. I am so, so sorry to hear of your struggles with vaginismus and want you to know that I’m here to support you 100%. Please know that we are all right here to support you. I suffered with vaginismus in the past and for my entire 11 year relationship/marriage and experienced so many similar emotions as you described. With much support from my husband and constant research, I found Dr. Pacik and had the Botox procedure in June 2011. This was the best decision ever and within 7 days of my treatment, we were able to have pain-free sex for the first time. Prior to this, I was unable to even insert a q-tip without the fear/pain response and always felt like there was a physical wall blocking insertion. Post-procedure, we now have pain-free intercourse and I am able to have successful ob/gyn exams as well as use tampons, again, something I could’ve never envisioned in the past. If you haven’t done so, I would strongly encourage you to contact Dr. Pacik and inquire about his treatment options for overcoming vaginismus. This, again, was one of the best and most important decisions that my husband and I ever made. And, again, please know that we are all here to support you!!! :):):)

[Nakitalab]

Hi Kirina, my heart hurts so badly for you. I’m so sorry that you have gone through all that you have. There are so many things that you shared that I can totally to relate to; have been there and felt that and it is the worst. To me it is the worst kind of pain possible because it effects us not just physically but more so mentally. Like you I felt like I wasn’t a woman, that I was a freak of nature and I was so obsessed about sex 24/7. I would look at every girl, woman on the street and think to myself they have no idea how lucky they are to have an active fun sex life. I hate watching romantic movies or sitcoms because they make it look so simple, so easy….so what the heck was wrong with me? Why can’t it be that way for me? What had I done that I was being punished with this awful condition. My first serious boyfriend was told by a friend that he just needed to break my hymen and all would be well. So the plan was to get me drunk and he would use his fingers to break it. Well I got drunk but I knew what was coming and when we were fooling around I told him I wasn’t comfortable for him to do that and please don’t and he said ok. So then I was able to relax. As soon as I relaxed he jammed his fingers into me as hard and as fast as he could. Well of course it didn’t help and in fact made it worse. It has been over 34 years since this happened and still to this day I have issues with trusting anyone when they get close to me down there, even my husband of 32 years. So of course that boyfriend (fiance) dropped me as soon as his method didn’t work. So then I tried to become promiscuous but my body protected me from that. Which in turn made me feel even more humiliated and worthless. The boys that I tried to were mean and my self worth went out the window, what little I had to begin with. I’m so sorry for all you have gone through and wish I could give you a hug, but I can tell you that I’m here for you. You are not alone anymore. You can share anything with me, your ups and your downs. But I am excited for you that you have found this Forum and Dr. Pacik! I stumbled across his website last year and had my procedure in October. Due to his procedure and consistent dilating program I can honestly say that I have been able to have pain free intercourse for several months. Because I suffered so long with it I have a lot of mental work to do as I still flinch and expect pain but oh what a blessing that I don’t have pain. I truly thought there was no hope for me, but there truly was and there is for you too Kirina. I highly recommend that you talk with Dr. Pacik. Over all these years I have seen many types of professionals and doctors and none of them compare to Dr. Pacik and his team. They are the most compassionate, understanding professionals you will ever meet. They totally understand what we all go through but even better than that they are there for you each step of the way to your healing. You are in my prayers, Kirina. It truly breaks my heart knowing what you are going through and the feelings that you have towards yourself. Please don’t give up. There truly is hope and healing in your future. I promise.