28 years-old virgin ,said goodbye to dates
Find support and treatment options from participants and Maze Women’s Health staff.
December 6, 2015 at 4:47 pm #9401evett87Participant
Thank you in advance for reading me.
I am 28 years-old and I am still a virgin. Not by choice of course but because of this condition.
I haven’t been touched or kissed by a guy for 4 years . Why? I have lost boyfriends because of vaginismus.
So now, even when I like a guy, I am too scared to start dating because I know I cannot give them what a normal relationship requires and I know it will end up breaking my heart, so I stay away from men … but Oh God , I feel so lonely and sexually frustrated.
I want to appear normal to my friends so none of them know. I make up stories. I am not usually a liar, but for this part of my life, yes, I am. And I listen to my friends are always talking about their romantic dates, their torrid sex nights… I just feel like an alien.
I love movies and shows but when I see a sex or just romantic scene, the frustration appears.
Does anybody feel the same way? Do you have the same frustration?
Thanks a lot for the support :))
PS: I want to start the fight against this condition, I am motivated and positive, I hope your support will help me toward this way.December 7, 2015 at 2:58 pm #13982luluParticipant
Know that you are not alone in this! You are not an alien either. You are normal. It i just that your vagina fights you. I tell people that vaginismus spasms are very much like any other muscle spasm in the body. It is not under a woman’s control and it just unfortunately happens to be in the vagina. Leg muscles, neck muscles, arm muscles…they all spasm with stress sometimes. They are all often painful just like vaginal spasms as well.
I cannot personally relate to being single and not dating. I have been with the same man since we were teenagers. We are married and I had the procedure 8 years into our relationship. I could have exams (although painful) but nothing other than that. He was with me every step of the way and never made me feel bad about it. He and many other men are proof that you can have a relationship with this condition. Yes, sex is important. Yes, most men desire sex. Yes, some men feel they cannot function without it. However, a man who really loves you will realize that this is not your fault and will want, more than anything, to overcome vaginismus with you not only so you can be totally intimate together but so you can have exams for your health, and feel better about yourself overall.
I do understand hiding your vaginismus, though. Until 6 months ago no one but my husband and doctors knew. I felt that I could not tell anyone, but now I know that it was silly to think that way. It has been a part of my healing process telling people. It becomes easier with time to tell people. If your friends are really your friends they will only want to help you, not hurt you or make you feel worse about it. I fully understand how telling people is much easier said than done, though. You need to do it on your own time and only when you feel completely comfortable about it.
Welcome to the forum : )December 11, 2015 at 10:55 am #13984Heather34Participant
Hi Evett and Lulu. Evett, please, please know you are not an alien and you are not alone in this at all. I felt so similar and did not tell any of my friends. Instead, I made up lies about how great our sex life was. It was so hard at the time as only my then boyfriend (now hubby) and the few doctors that we visited knew the truth. I absolutely love your motivation and positivity and you absolutely WILL overcome this condition. Have you tried working with vaginal dilators? I tried this for a long time but could never insert them and could never have a successful exam. It was beyond frustrating b/c despite how much I “willed” myself to do it, the physical pain/resistance made any insertion impossible. I had the Botox treatment and woke up with the dilator in place in 2011. For me, this was the first time something was inside of me pain-free and it was absolutely an aha moment. Thereafter, the resistance/pain did go away and I was able to liberally coat the dilators with lidocaine/surgilube and insert them as there was no longer the wall. And, 1 week later, my husband and I were able to make love for the first time in our 11 year relationship. I would definitely encourage you to contact Maze Women’s Sexual Health and work with them in whatever way is possible (914-328-3700). Dr. Pacik trained them in the Botox treatment program and in many instances, out-of-network insurance benefits will pay for a portion of the treatment. Please, please know that I am here for you.
I also wanted to share an excellent patient testimonial from a friend that I personally had the chance to meet while she was in NH.
“Hey Caitlinp, I’m not too active on the forum, but I saw your post and wanted to respond. I’ve only written one other time on the forum (pre-surgery) and believe it or not, I had the same exact questions as you. I, also am(was) single prior to my procedure and worried about the same things you do… in essence, I wondered about the following: – would I be okay to go to the surgery alone without a partner, when it sounded like all the other patients were bringing their husbands or boyfriends – after the surgery would I have the opportunity to “practice” and progress from dilation to intercourse considering I had no “long term partner” currently in my life – since I am not in a long term relationship, would I be okay not to tell any potential partner about my “condition” I had my surgery in early July 2012. My cousin attended with me… and after surpassing the initial nerves, I felt comfortable and great in NH during and after the procedure. Getting used to the dilation process was interesting… and stressful in the beginning, but I was determined to make progress and follow through on Dr.P’s program. I was dating someone casually before going NH and chose not to burden him or us with talk of vaginismus… prior to my trip, I was very “loose” and escaped any opportunity to get extremely physical with him. Prior to going to NH, I was also unable to insert a q-tip in, and had what Dr.P prescribed as stage 4 vaginismus, that I believe was/is largely due to abuse when I was younger and my own anxiety… all of which resulted in never having been able to achieve penetration. Upon returning from surgery, I was determined and continued with the program. I got purple in, pink and got blue in only a few times with lots of difficulty. My muscles were extremely tight and Dr. P mentioned that it would take me a while to stretch them out with dilation. A little less than a month after surgery, I had the opportunity to spend some time with the guy I was seeing and although I was nervous (about vaginismus, not about him) I pretended that “it’d had been a while” and I wanted to take it slow. He totally understood and we were able to achieve penetration on our “first” physical night, with little pain, lots of excitement and a lot of fun! Since then, it’s been getting better as I’ve learned to understand what I like, feel less nerves and become a bit more open with myself… he still has no idea about my struggles with vaginismus, and every now and then comments on how much better it is “now that we know each other”. I sometimes dilate a bit before I see him, but sometimes I don’t if I don’t have much time. He likes it because it feels “tighter” and I am able to now enjoy the experience either way… While in NH I had the opportunity to see two great husbands with the patients that were sharing my room… they were concerned for their wives and doing everything to help them. I have also heard of wonderful partners that have gone through a lot to support their wives and girlfriends through the struggle – I think that is amazing! In some ways, I think it’s really very difficult for single women to enter into that surrounding without the same support… after all, all women are there because they want to be loved (pun intended 🙂 and when you don’t have that directly by your side, it’s hard not to feel self concious.. jealous… or even stressed. Regardless though, on the flip side, I think that in some regard, there’s an advantage to being single – you don’t have to tell any new prospects in your life about your struggles with vaginismus (if you don’t want too) and there is a bit less pressure to perform. You move at your own pace and do what’s right for you… and in some ways, that’s very freeing and liberating. Hope this answers your questions and concerns about being single and going through pre and post surgery. All the best to you (and all the other single ladies out there). I definitely feel for you… and understand what you are going through. Be positive, dilate and be strong (-:”
December 19, 2015 at 5:47 pm #13994evett87Participant
Hello ladies !
I apologize for the late reply and I feel so blessed to be in this community7forum.
Thanks a lot for your advice and support ! Knowing that you overcame thiscondition is giving me motivation !
I don’t have access to vaginal dilators, I am abroad with no possibility of receiving personal package…
I have a sex toy that I wanted to use for this purpose but I think I was too ambitious haha, way too big !
Thanks for helping me not feeling like an alien, it’s so hard to fit in this society when you don’t have sex…it sounds stupid and superficial to say so, but I’m sure you understand what I mean…
Right now my objective is actually to lose my virginity by myself, using toys or whatever … I can’t afford surgery and I just can’t see how I’m ever going to let a man get inside me without fighting him… so I’m going to train myself physically and mentally to do it by myself… I’m not sure exactly how yet but hopefully I’ll find ideas in this forum.
Thanks ladies, you are great support and the testimonies are inspirational 🙂January 28, 2016 at 10:37 am #14021Heather34Participant
Hi evett. Please know that you have my support 110% and I am here for you always!!!
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