22, sexless, and broken.

• Author
  Posts
• September 13, 2014 at 7:34 pm #9267
  Kimberly

  Participant

  My name is Kim, Im 22 years old and Ive had vaginismus for as long as I can remember. I never have had any known trauma in my life, at least not one that I can remember. Although my entire life since I was a child I have always been an extremely anxious person. Well I guess that followed me into my sex life because when I was 17 I tried having sex for the first time and it was impossible. Like so many of you it was as if I was “hitting a wall”.
  I tried so many times, I could never have sex, I could never even use tampons. That relationship fell apart and I was cheated on. I went to a gynecologist who made things even worse by being extremely rude to me and telling me to “go home and relax and work my way up to sex with my finger” It crushed me, I felt alone and broken and different from everyone else and I didnt know what to do.
  Now its been 4 years since that happened and I have yet to go to another doctor or find any sort of solution.
  Ive been in a couple relationships, one serious one, and all have fallen apart and made my self esteem non-existent. All because of this condition.
  I finally made an appointment at a different gynecologist and my appointment is this coming Monday on the 15th, but instead of being excited I am only getting more depressed. I know that when I go there nothing will be done and I wont even be able to get an exam and that none of my questions will be answered.
  I have been looking at this website and reading about the Botox procedure for over a year now. I even spoke on the phone to Dr. Pacik last summer, and he was the sweetest man Ive ever spoken to. I was so tempted to schedule an appointment right then and there but I knew the procedure was at least $5,000 and I have close to no money. I didnt have insurance, my family was in no position to help me financially and still isnt, and no matter how hard I try to save my money something always comes up and ruins my chances of saving up to it.
  I finally came back on here to read any updated stories/information and its opened my eyes back up to how badly I need to come do this procedure. I cant stop crying after reading all of these amazing success stories and hoping that one day that will be me as well.
  I dont know how I will be able to do this financially but its time I found a way. I feel like Im not a woman, like Im not normal, like I will never be able to have kids, and that no man will ever be able to fully love me. I NEED to get this fixed, because this condition is ruining my life.

  September 14, 2014 at 2:41 pm #13397
  23years

  Participant

  I want you to have this procedure so you can fully love yourself. A man second.

  I’m going to say some prayers for you. That you do find the way to financially afford this procedure.

  Huge ((((hugs))))) to you and please don’t despair. I had the big V for 23 years and still feel like I carry the Scarlett letter V inside. It takes a long time for some of us.

  Don’t give up!

  September 14, 2014 at 5:09 pm #13398
  Heather34

  Participant

  Hi Kim. Welcome to the Forum and thank you for your post. As 23yrs indicated, please know we are all here to support and help you through this journey. I found a previous post that includes a sample script for Talking to Doctors about vaginismus. You can tweak the script to fit your situation and this may help tomorrow:

  http://www.vaginismusmd.com/vaginismus-md-forum/?mingleforumaction=viewtopic&t=577

  Sample Script: Self-Guided History of Sexual Pain 1. Introduce the problem: “I have been having problems with pain during sex and hope you will be able to help me.” 2.Provide a description of the pain (be specific): •It happens when …”my husband tries insert his penis in my vagina” or “once he is inside and starts to move I feel burning and tighten up”, etc. •The pain is located …”at the entrance to my vagina. My vagina is like a wall; he just cannot get it in.” or “after he is inside I feel burning around the penis just inside the entrance”, etc. •The pain lasts …”as long as he keeps trying, especially if we try forcing it in. Once he stops there is no pain.” •This has been happening since …”our honeymoon two years ago and has continued to happen every time we try to have sex” (primary vaginismus) or “my hysterectomy eight months ago”(secondary vaginismus), etc. [Note: Inform your doctor if you have been able to previously have sexual intercourse without pain.] •It feels like …”burning”, “stinging”, “like he’s hitting a wall”, “tightness during/on entry”, etc. •I have tried to reduce or eliminate the pain by …”using lubricant, changing sexual positions, relaxing more.” •I am able / unable to …”insert a tampon or complete a gynecological exam.” 3.Mention any past problems: Have you previously had any sexually transmitted diseases, yeast infections, bladder problems, or any pelvic pain outside of penetration? 4.State what you think the problem is: “I think it may be vaginismus. My symptoms are similar to those outlined in an article I read. However, I have read there are other things that can cause pain during sex and would like to have them ruled out.”

  I pray so much that you are able to find a way to pay for this procedure. I want to share an excellent thread with a link to the Newsletter that includes means for Financing Your Botox Treatment for Vaginismus: http://www.vaginismusmd.com/vaginismus-md-forum/?mingleforumaction=viewtopic&t=816

  In this thread, Becca wrote the following:

  “I got this newsletter in my email and thought it was cool to read. When my husband and I found this treatment we didn’t know how we would pay for it either. We already had a Care Credit account that we had to use for our cat (and was paid off) but we knew we just did not/could not afford to go into debt trying to pay for treatment. After praying about it and talking with my Aunt (my confidant through this!) she suggested starting a fundraiser to come up with the money to make the trip. At first I was unsure because due to travel, our goal was to come up with $8,000, which was a huge number. Some people in our life knew that we were struggling to get pregnant, and some did not. We basically decided to take a step out in faith. My uncle created a pay-pal account and a website for us, and we shared some of our story publicly – on our FB, with our Church and friends and family. We did not share details, I made a point of stating on our website that it was something that was really private and emotionally painful for me to talk about. We said that I had a medical condition that was preventing us from being able to start a family. We said that we had tried a number of other treatments but nothing had worked and that there was a treatment in NH that had a huge success rate for helping people with this condition. Then we waited. It was incredible. We announced and shared our website on November 11, 2013 and we had all the funds and were able to have treatment on February 24, 2014. People were SO kind, and so generous. I was really nervous that people would be constantly asking me for more details, and there were a few people that did, but on the whole most people completely respected our privacy. Now I know that this may not be a plausible thing for everyone to do, but something to at least consider. I know for me as a Christian, it was amazing to witness God working so actively in our life and just to see what He is capable of doing. There is a quote that I read once and it is really fitting — “You get in life what you have the courage to ask for.” :)”

  Sending you support and positive thoughts always!!!!

  September 14, 2014 at 10:11 pm #13399
  Kate91

  Participant

  Hi Kim, I am in a very similar situation. I am 22 and also have never been able to use a tampon and experience very painful sex. I have always had very bad anxiety and moderate depression. I know its so easy to get frustrated. I have spent many nights crying and wondering what was wrong with me. I am here for you and will send prayers your way. If you set up a fundraiser I would happily donate what I could. Good luck!

  September 17, 2014 at 5:28 pm #13411
  Kimberly

  Participant

  I just wanted to thank you all for your responses (23years, Heather34, and Kate91) I really appreciate your sincere empathy for my situation and for your advice. I also read those articles and they have been very helpful, and Ive been reading all I can on here to try to help me get this process started. Its at least nice knowing theres some sort of light at the end of the tunnel.
  My best friend and I were actually just talking about this the other night again, and she told me that she had created this funding website for me without telling me, shes really the greatest friend I could ask for and shes been here every step of the way. Its still a little too personal for me to post to my friends and family though, and I really dont want anyone to think that theres something going on with me because I get too embarrassed :/ I posted the website to a couple of random anonymous websites and Ive gotten a few small donations (which I am SO grateful for). Heres the link in case any of you know of any other good websites to put it on… http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/help-21-year-old-raise-money-for-her-surgery-/128221

  September 17, 2014 at 5:48 pm #13412
  Kimberly

  Participant

  Also, I went to that appointment this past Monday. It went a little better than expected, but still, I dont feel like my problem is going to be solved there. The woman I saw was very nice which made the process a LOT better, but like I expected I couldnt even come close to getting an exam. She had me lay back and just wanted to look at as much as possible, I relaxed enough eventually for her to at least move some muscles around and to try to see if she could see anything wrong. She said that my hymen was still completely intact and that it was very thick, which she thinks is the cause of my pain.
  While I do agree that that maybe is the main cause of my problem, I still feel like breaking that wouldnt change anything because the anxiety/spasming is still there. Im going back in three weeks for her to use some numbing jelly and to try to look a little bit further, and then maybe do a procedure where they break the hymen. But I know the anxiety/pain will still most likely be there afterwards, because she couldnt barely even get a finger to the hymen and it already hurt a lot. Hoping Im wrong though.