Hi jessbee. It’s so, so, so nice to chat with you. You are absolutely not the only one experiencing this. I felt this way for so long post-vaginismus and my hubby and I had to learn how to enjoy intimacy again and now with the added element of intercourse. In the early stages of our relationship, we were intimate with kissing and oral sex and enjoyed this but when I started to experience the pain/fear/resistance every time we tried actual intercourse, it was frustrating and took a huge toll on us. Post-procedure, when we could now enjoy intercourse, we had to slowly take steps to become intimate again as this was turned off for so long for us while struggling with vaginismus. For us personally, we enjoyed date nights that would lead to foreplay and intercourse. Instead of always dilating prior, we started incorporating vibrators into our foreplay which helped me to feel ready for actual intercourse but also added pleasure and fun for the both of us. We also enjoyed dress-up and costumes. Now that we have the baby, we have to again make the time to also enjoy each other both physically and emotionally. I would love to hear from others on their experiences post-procedure and what helped them to achieve pleasure from intercourse? I also wanted to share some thoughts from Dr. P in an earlier Blog that he wrote. Sending hugs to you and please know that I am here for you always!
In the Blog: Great Sex After Vaginismus, he writes:
“The goal of not only achieving intercourse, but having a wonderful sexual relationship is a difficult journey for most vaginismus patients. Painful sex is a drag, no sex is even worse. Most of my patients who are treated with the Botox program for vaginismus are undeveloped sexually. Little wonder. How do you gain experience if you can’t do it?
Of interest is that I get two types of “success” stories. The first is when they have had penile penetration, and this is monumental for most of my patients, the second is when they have had “sex”. Both types of emails are filled with joy and disbelief. As a tabulate my data, I count painless intercourse as an important end point in the successful treatment of vaginismus (dilation to the larger dilators for those who are single). Yet my patients make an important distinction noting that the physical (penetration) is different than the spiritual (great sex).
So what is great sex? For some it is the orgasm of either partner. For others it is the joy of feeling good even if there is no orgasm. Others equate successful sex with pregnancy. Yet others feel that unless both partners climax at the same time, it is not entirely successful. Such a wide range of emotions.
There is no reason we need to limit ourselves. Every day is different, but every time we are involved with our partner it is a moment to celebrate the union of two souls. We need to start thinking out of the restrictive box of what should be, and simply enjoy our natural feelings and to be grateful that we can fulfill this part of ourselves. Making love can be as simple as hugs and kisses before falling asleep. It can be dance. It can be as simple as doing the dishes together.
Simultaneous orgasm is actually fairly rare. It is wonderful when it happens, but should not be a goal. It will limit us too much. Vaginal orgasm is accomplished by only 30% of women, and this too is not a definition of good sex.
We need to widen our range of perception. We need to embrace the qualities of our chosen ones and in the process grow together. We need to constantly re-invent ourselves so that we can grow together, and in the process have great “everything”!”