Ive been suffering from vaginismus for 7 years, so I feel your pain, emotionally and physically. Vaginismus makes you feel like less of a woman (even when you’re not), it makes you frustrated, upset, angry, confused, etc. Whats really important is realizing that you are NOT alone. We are all here for you and have all walked in your shoes 🙂
I have to be honest, and tell you that your story really made me sad, because I dont feel as though your current boyfriend is right for you. I know I dont know you, or him, or the entire situation. But you deserve someone who is going to be your BIGGEST supporter, not your biggest source of pressure and stress.
For 3 of the 7 years I had this condition I was with a man who I loved very much as well. But after some time I realized that he actually wasnt treating me very well at all, and was constantly pressuring me to fix this problem, and made me feel like less of a woman. And that alone told me that he had no idea how this condition even works. It is completely out of our control. If a man cant understand that, or cant even do a simple Google search to read up on what you are going through, then he has some growing up to do, and he is not loving you with all of his heart.
For the next two years I was single, and it gave me extremely valuable time to grow and learn about myself, and learn to have more confidence. Then about a year ago I found my current boyfriend, who is the love of my life. He is the kindest, sweetest man I could ever ask for. And he has not pressured me ONCE about having sex. I am still diligently working towards being able to have sex, but he realizes this, and he understands, and he loves me anyways.
YOU deserve that too. EVERY woman deserves that. So please consider if this man you are with is truly the right person for you right now. I know its extremely hard, and I know you probably have strong feelings. But the things he is saying and doing are troubling you more than helping you.
I wish you nothing but the best, and just know that although this condition may seem neverending, it CAN be overcome. I used to not even be able to insert my finger as well. And now I can insert a medium sized dilator 🙂
Good luck, and happy holidays!!