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This could be a really tense muscle. I will often find on exam one side of the vagina could be more tense that the other side.
When your muscles are always contracted, blood flow is cut back. As a result, less nourishment and oxygen reach your muscles. The muscles can’t do their work as well. Lack of oxygen can even cause muscles to go into spasm. When muscles are starved for oxygen, they hurt.
The process of dilation is to help lengthen and stretch the muscle to help it relax. It is not a pleasant process.
It might be really helpful to see a physical therapist who might be able to target that area with more massage and myofascial release.