Reply To: ‘Fake’ vaginismus / thinking too soon something is wrong

[mark2021]

Hello ella2021 and recessivegenequeen, this is definitely an interesting issue and I hope you don’t mind I’m adding my viewpoint here.

As a student, I’ve had several girlfriends and most of them were still virgins when we started dating. I’m not claiming it ALWAYS hurts when girls have sex for the first time, but it IS really common, especially when the hymen is still intact and/or the girl has never put things inside. Most of my girlfriends knew I had previous partners so they sometimes asked me how it felt for them to have sex for the first time and I’ve always been very open on this. It can hurt and that’s perfectly fine. However, and this is where I think both of you have a point: when the pain goes on for weeks, that’s not normal.

Both messages can be combined if you ask me: you can perfectly tell girls pain during the first time is to be expected/totally normal, but that sex should become painless after a few attempts. And if the pain continues, they should seek medical assistance. By doing that, you avoid that women are worried too soon, and at the same time you’re giving the message that pain during sex is not okay.

I think guys have a role to play here too. I know one of my friends was too rough the first time he had sex with his girlfriend and she was in so much pain she got traumatized and ended up with vaginismus because of this. I wish these things were talked about more… my advice is to go slow, take small steps, first discover mutual masturbation, penetrate with a finger, have plenty of foreplay … before having sex. Some couples have sex for the first time in VERY uncomfortable places/positions, like the backseat of their car while running the risk of being caught… those are usually not the best experiences.

I found this to be shocking but what recessivegenequeen wrote is true: some women them think sex is ALWAYS painful and that pain is a NORMAL part of sex. I’ve heard there are even gyns and docs giving this message to their patients, which is totally wrong.