Home Forums Vaginismus Support Group Vaginismus and the Single Patient Rejection & Performance Problems for Both Reply To: Rejection & Performance Problems for Both


Hi Leslie – thanks for giving us an update, although I’m sorry you’re still feeling so much turmoil. The way I see it is that you are already experiencing a lot of misery and total alienation from your neighbor, so you really have nothing to lose by being open with him aobut how you’re feeling. In my experience, a lot of the pain we feel around relationships is by living in ambiguity – you aren’t SURE whether sharing your experience would make things better, so you’re tortured by that possibility without an answer.

Speaking your truth is a way of vanquishing that uncertainty. No matter what his answer is, you won’t have to keep running scripts in your head trying to find the “perfect” way to tell him what you’re thinking. I have a suspicion that if he hasn’t brought it up himself after 2 months of opportunity, he won’t – which leaves you with the power to break through this wall that’s silencing you both.

Even if your neighbor is unresponsive or unwilling to be vulnerable in response to you sharing your own feelings, you don’t have to wonder anymore – you’ll know for sure that he’s got his own issues he’s avoiding. That will hurt – but then you’ll be able to move on to whatever comes next, out of this limbo. And in the event that he receives this information well, it could be an opportunity to forge a new connection or to give him space to talk about the burden he’s carrying.

It’s definitely true that closure comes from within, and if you can find a different way of bringing yourself closure, that is a totally okay thing if you don’t feel ready to speak to him. But I get the impression that this will keep bothering you until you say something – so you should give yourself the gift of being able to move on past this bad moment, whether that’s with your neighbor or without him.