I am so grateful to read your thoughtful and kind response. I do think that it would help me if I told him for all of the reasons that you state. I don’t think I’m quite brave enough to suggest that we get together again, because I just can’t handle any more rejection right now.
I think it’s important that I explain that it’s involuntary (not something that I can control by willpower and that when it happens, it doesn’t reflect what I’m feeling — I wanted him so much, but my body was tightening up despite my desire). I want him to know that I wasn’t rejecting him. And that it’s actually a compliment to him that I was thinking that maybe it wouldn’t happen this time because I am so attracted to him.
One thing that I didn’t tell you in my initial post (which is why this makes it all the more difficult to have the courage to talk to him about this) is that he said some very insulting and unkind things to me at the end of the night and in his text the next day. When I said that I hoped he’d come back he said, “I’ll be honest. I’m going on a date tomorrow with someone I’m really starting to like. So if that goes well, then I can’t.” The next morning, he didn’t text me, so I eventually texted him. He responded: “I’m OK-ish. I was a little drunk and kinda wish it didn’t happen.” So, you can imagine how sexually rejected I feel.
At the root of all this, it’s my feeling that he wanted to have a more long-term fling with me but that my vaginismus ended not just that prospect but the enjoyment of that one night. Even if he thinks it’s because of his problems that we couldn’t have intercourse, I have a feeling that it was the combo of both of us and that if I didn’t have vaginismus, things would have gone much better.
Thank you for your support and advice. I’ll hope to be sending some positive news soon about the status of this whole drama!