Reply To: Transition impossible for me!

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi Gemini! First of all, you should feel proud of yourself for posting on the forums and seeking treatment – I had vaginismus for about 10 years and am very familiar with the feelings of shame and depression you’ve described. You’ve made amazing progress and are well on your way to being able to have pain-free intercourse.

Speaking as someone who’s gotten past my vaginismus, it’s REALLY important to dilate right before you try to have sex. You won’t need to do this your whole life – as you get increasingly able to relax over time you’ll likely be able to insert him without preparation, but while you’re still getting used to things penetrating you, it’s necessary to warm up your muscles by dilating before trying to transition to a penis. This doesn’t HAVE to happen while your husband is in the room necessarily, but I do think something that can help the transition as well is having your partner insert a dilator (of a smaller size that you’re comfortable/confident in working with) to get you used to the feeling of having something penetrate you that you aren’t fully controlling. There are a few things that make transitioning to intercourse difficult and the other partner’s involvement is one of them, so that could help. It also sounds like you still have some degree of anxiety around being penetrated by a partner since you mention struggling to relax, which is why having your partner involved with a dilator you already know how to insert yourself can be helpful so you can learn to relax more when you aren’t fully in control.

But even if your partner isn’t directly involved in helping you dilate, you should at least be dilating with the largest size you’re comfortable with a few minutes before you try to attempt intercourse so your muscles are stretched and warmed up and you’re also feeling confident in being penetrated. I definitely get that dilation isn’t “sexy” for anyone involved, but maybe it will help your partner to understand that this part of the process probably won’t always be this way and you’re working together to reach a new level of intimacy.

I hope this helps! Let us know how it goes and what works for you!