Reply To: Deadlines

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi Magnolia – wow, I am so so sorry to hear what you’ve been going through. Your husband’s “deadline” is hurtful and counterproductive and I’m sure you have a lot of feelings of resentment around it. I completely agree that an important step of this process is to go to therapy (couples would be good but individual for sure if your husband seems reluctant to join you). It sounds from your husband’s words like he has caused you a lot of emotional pain and it will absolutely be necessary to your recovery to make sense of your marriage to him so that if you choose to stay in your marriage you can rebuild your trust in him and your confidence in yourself.

One of the core tenets of curing vaginismus, whether you use dilators or physical therapy or get the botox treatment or follow any other sort of program, is that treatment takes how long it takes. After years of pain and shame we are often desperate to see quick results, but it can be a slow process to unlearn the association between pain and sex in your mind and to relax the muscles in your body. Putting a deadline on this process is one of the most counterproductive things you can do because the process takes how long it takes – it’s that simple. What matters is that you are working consistently and steadily and celebrating the small wins as they come – those are the tools that will bring you further along this path.

I can’t know what your husband is thinking, but one thing I recommend if you are still dealing with this part fo the situation is to go to him and explain that you are working on the problem and that you can’t rush the process – the most you can do is put in the work and move down the path at your own pace. If he refuses to listen to this reasoning, it especially underscores the need for something like couples therapy to see if your marriage can be saved. Even if you get past this struggle, he should understand how hurtful his “deadline” was and that it was undermining to your efforts.

As Naomi mentioned, you do have other options for getting pregnant (I’ve also seen people mention the Mosie Baby Syringe as a good option for those still dealing with vaginismus while trying to get pregnant: https://mosiebaby.com/)

Finally, I want you to know that you ARE doing enough and are working hard. Vaginismus has a way of making us feel extremely inadequate, but what is happening to you is not your fault and the way you are working through it is a testament to your strength. Don’t forget your power and your persistence – they are the things you will always have, no matter what happens.

Good luck, and let us know if there’s any other way we can help.