Vaginismus and Relationships

[Heather34]

In the discussions so far, a lot has come up on the subject of relationships and how vaginismus can affect one’s relationship. I think this deserves a category in and of itself. It truly does affect one’s relationship in so many ways.
Most recently, there was discussion about the excellent progress that a woman has made in overcoming vaginismus. She’s deservedly ecstatic and excited and wonders, now that she has overcome, what is the next step to work on? Here, she learns that her progress is dependent on how the relationship is evolving: 1) Is it getting back to normal? and 2) Is there continued fallout from vaginismus?
I thought a lot about these 2 questions. Concerning the first one (i.e. is it getting back to normal), I would love to hear from women who perhaps had secondary vaginismus and are now cured? How is your relationship going now that you can, in fact, have intercourse again? For my husband and I, instead of “getting back to normal” we had to essentially learn a new normal. For our entire relationship, normal was not having intercourse and finding different ways to satisfy each other. Once I was cured and we were able to have sex, it really was a learning process. It seemed almost mechanical at first and then evolved into a truly wonderful experience. It also enhanced our relationship so much more. Concerning the second question (i.e. is their continued fallout from vaginismus), this can include residual hostility, lack of sex drive, or passive aggressive behaviors. Some women struggle through this. They are elated that they achieved their goals but sometimes the husband is not quite there for them.
I remember hearing the “Dr. Diana” broadcast and when she was speaking of the success of two of her clients, she noted that they had a strong relationship and foundation and, after curing vaginismus, they now could take it to the next level and really work on enhancing their intimacy together. It truly is a work-in-progress and adds such an amazing element to one’s marriage/relationship.
Vaginismus, again, affects one’s relationship in so many ways. How has it affected your relationship? For women who can now have intercourse, how has your relationship changed? I’d love to hear from all of you on your experience with vaginismus and relationships both pre and post-procedure and look very forward to reading your posts.

[Heather34]

Thoughts and Questions from Alyx: Hi everyone,
I think this is a great thread because this is actually a question I wanted to ask. As I’ve said in prior posts I’m still working on transitioning. Has anyone else received any type of resistance from their hubby?? I know that having vag has put an enormous strain on the relationship, it’s like the great white elephant in the middle of the room. However, sometimes I wonder if this “strain” is effecting our ability to transition… my hubby is very supportive, however, he doesn’t really like the fact that 1. I had to have the procedure and 2. I can dilate with blue but am having trouble transitioning. He doesn’t necessarily say it, but sometimes demeneaur (sp.) speaks louder than words. I don’t really know what to do or how to handle this because it’s making transitioning even more difficult for me… Open to any advice… – Alyx

[Heather34]

Hi Alyx. This is a good question. Here, I think good advice would be communicate, communicate, communicate! I think it would always be helpful to go back to the beginning advice from Ellen and Dr. P about having hubby place his hand on yours while dilating. Then, he could try inserting and re-inserting the dilators himself. This may build up trust prior to the transition. I also think that it’s very important to discuss openly how you feel with your hubby and perhaps he will reciprocate and tell you how he is feeling post-procedure as well. I look forward to hearing from others as well here.