Sex has always scared me

[TheUnknown]

I’m glad I found this site. I registered earlier on today but for some reason the account was deleted. Normally I have a policy of waiting a few days before I post anything. Especially something this embarrassing. Thank goodness for internet anonymity. I can’t imagine any doctor empathizing with my situation especially at my age. Although I was born in Scotland, my parents emigrated to South Africa in the early 70’s.

I’m a 45 year old woman that’s never had sexual intercourse and I was molested twice as a child.

The first time was in 1976 when I was 8 years old. A 17 year old boy took me into a toilet and made me suck his penis. One of the things I distinctly remember nearly 37 years later is this horrible smell. He made me do it on at least 3 more occasions. Then one day he attempted to have sex with me. I felt this searing pain going through me. A couple of month later when the truth emerged, I remember being examined by a doctor who inserted his finger at least 3 times. Every time a searing pain went through me. I was still a virgin. Being only 8 years old I had no idea what was happening to me.

The second time was in 1980 at the age of 12. I went to boarding school and one of the girl’s father tried to come on to me sexually. In this case there was no attempted penetration, but he made inappropriate remarks and would touch my thighs and run his hands up and down my legs.

If a man touches me I immediately tense up and freeze. I hate being poked and prodded. The thing is that I can fantasize myself as being a normal person with normal sexual feelings but I think I would freeze even if the sexiest man alive tried to have intercourse with me. I also know that I’m not gay as I have no sexual attraction to women either. I thought I was asexual, now I’m not so sure as I do have fantasies and envision what it could be like for a women in a romance novel when she makes love with the man of her dreams. But I’m not a normal person.

A month before my 37th birthday I married a man. Although he’s a good man he has some twisted sexual fantasies, but there is an even bigger problem. I have no sexual attraction towards him whatsoever. I also find his personal hygiene a big turn off as well. Sometimes when he comes near me there is a smell as if he hasn’t wiped his backside properly when he goes to the toilet. I get tense whenever he tries to touch me. I don’t even have a physical attraction to him either. We sleep in seperate rooms and have done for the last 3 years.

I was also diagnosed with Generalized anxiety disorder in 2009 so I’m on medication for that as well. I also have an addiction to painkillers and suffer with chronic insomnia. I also have a lot of other issues as well but I’m not sure if this is the proper place to discuss them. Basically at the crux of it all, I feel like a freak and wish that I’d never been born. I have felt like that for at least 36 years. My mother passed away in 2011 was always pressuring me into having children.

Once I heard her telling my husband that it was time that he got me impregnated. I’ve personally never understood this desire for a woman to have a child and am in fact an antinatalist, but far less extreme than the vast majority of other antinatalists I’ve come across on the internet. I personally feel as if bringing a child into this world is imposing something on them that I wouldn’t wish on anyone as I would have preferred to have never existed if I had been given the option. Unfortunately I’m here as a consequence of someone else’s actions and choices. But I do realize that other women feel as if having children is the greatest gift they could ever have, so I don’t begrudge them for feeling that way at all.

I also feel as if I’m unattractive as well. I met my husband just before I turned 22, but he only married me at almost 37 because he couldn’t find anyone else. I was the last person in the world he would have wanted to marry, plus men have never found me attractive, unlike my mother who men did find attractive when she was younger. I’m about 10 pounds overweight, but I hate almost every aspect of my body.

I forgot to add that I’ve purchased the ebook version of “When sex seems impossible – Stories of vaginismus and how you can achieve intimacy. I’ve just received an email from Janet Pacik who is aware that I’ve tried to register for this site a number of times. I suspect that I have vaginismus or a similar condition. I have not gone for a diagnosis as it would be highly embarrassing to tell a Doctor about my condition, as they would not be sympathetic or understanding in any way. It took a long time before I was diagnosed with GAD and that’s after I saw a psychiatrist. Many Doctor’s tend to have a policy of just relax and don’t let things worry you, which is much easier said than done.

[Heather34]

Hi TU! Welcome to the Forum and thank you for your post. I am so, so sorry to hear of your struggles. Like you, I suffered with vaginismus in the past and for my entire relationship/marriage. Vaginismus truly can affect so many different aspects of your life. With much support from my husband and constant research, I found Dr. Pacik’s website, called his office, met with him for a consultation, and had the Botox procedure under anesthesia with progressive dilation. This was the best decision ever TU and within 7 days of my treatment, we were able to have pain-free intercourse for the first time. Prior to this, I was unable to even insert a q-tip without the fear/pain response and always felt like there was a physical wall blocking insertion. Post-procedure, we now have pain-free intercourse and I am able to have successful ob/gyn exams as well as use tampons, again, something I could’ve never envisioned in the past. I would strongly encourage you to contact Dr. Pacik and inquire about his treatment options for overcoming vaginismus. In addition, as I previously wrote, I think vaginismus can truly affect so many different aspects of one’s life. To deal with the emotional aspects of this condition, many patients also seek professional counseling both pre and post-procedure and have found this invaluable. Dr. Pacik, himself, has also written on the benefits of counseling to address the co-occurring emotional aspects of vaginismus. Please see his Blog on Vaginismus Treatment and Counseling:

http://www.vaginismusmd.com/vaginismus/other-treatments/vaginismus-treatment-and-counselin/

We are all here to support you in your journey to overcome vaginismus and I look forward to reading your posts.