My story.

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  • #8573
    Allie
    Participant

    Hello everyone. My name is Allie and I am a 25 year old woman who on the outside looks like she has everything together.  It may even look as if I have a perfect life.  I have a wonderful family, great friends, a dream job, and one amazing husband!  Truth is, on the inside I am a emotional wreck. My heart is always so heavy. I feel sadness, guilt, embarrassed, lonely, and angry. I feel BROKEN.
     
    I never felt those things before though. I had a great childhood.  My parents were always very supportive and loving. I would say they were strict, wanting us to make good grades in school and follow rules. Nothing out of the ordinary though. They just wanted us to make good decisions. We were always involved in church. I felt as though I was a pretty good kid. I never made any horrible decisions or got into major trouble. I always knew in my heart that I wanted to wait for sex until I was married. Maybe it was my christian upbringing, but it was always very strong in heart that I would wait.
     
    My senior year in high school I met the man that I am married to today.  I knew from the first date we had that he was going to be my husband. From the beginning of our relationship we were both very honest with each other. We both agreed and talked about waiting until marriage for sex.  A year and half later we were engaged and soon to be married!  I was the happiest girl in the world.  
     
    A couple months before our wedding I made my first gynecologist appointment.  On the way to my exam I remember feeling very nervous, which of course would be normal.  As I got undressed and sat up on the table with my paper gown on I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. Then, in comes the Doctor.  As she tries to do an exam my whole body locked up. I was shaking all over, I couldn’t make it stop. Naturally my legs slammed together and I started crying. From that moment on, I knew something just wasn’t right.  She told me that I was just nervous and to just come back after my honeymoon.
     
    Our wedding day was the most perfect day. I get tears in my eyes thinking about it. My husband and I were very anxious and excited about that night. Consummating our marriage! Well, it did not happen. We tried a couple times but it felt like a hitting a wall. It just was not happening. We spent our week long honeymoon doing the same thing. We tried to make the best out of it, but there were a lot of tears from me. I remember thinking “what is wrong with me???”.  I knew my husband had to be disappointed and confused, but he was very patient and just said that we will try again when we get home.
     
    Three months into our marriage and we still could not have sex. I went back to my doctor. Her answer was that I just needed to relax. From that point on the search began for a new doctor. Unfortunately, we were coming close to our one year anniversary and I still could not find someone to help me. One day I googled the words “why can’t I have sex”.  This word pops up on my computer, Vaginismus. I began reading what it was and what could cause it and etc. I remember immediately showing my husband. Tears rolled down my face as I read stories of other women with the same problem. I remember thinking that I wasn’t some freak! I am not the only one with this problem. From the website I ordered books to read and a set of dilators to work with. But there was a problem, I could not use the dilators. It was so painful and I was so fearful.
     
    The hunt for a doctor continued. These doctors I found would look at me crazy when I would tell them what was going on. They did not really even seem to care to help me, one doctor even told me to get drunk, that maybe that will help. At this point I was very depressed.  Medication was the only thing that would help. My husband and I went to a therapist who we will always be grateful for. I feel like if it wasn’t for him and God that our marriage would not have lasted through the second year. The next years we spent our time and money looking for doctors. I have tried sex therapy, physical therapy, hypnotherapy, anti-anxiety medications, and the list goes on.
     
    As we approached our 5th wedding anniversary I dreaded it. It made me absolutely sick to my stomach. I was in a very bad place. I felt like I didn’t even know who I was anymore.  This condition was slowing tearing me apart.  The 19 year old girl who was so happy with life and excited about her future had disappeared. I was a 24 year old woman who could not have sex with her husband. I was so angry. Why couldn’t I find someone to help me.
     
    Finally, I did more research online and found a doctor that specialized in pelvic pain. I also found a Pelvic Floor Physical Therapist. I was able to make progress and was even able to have my first exam completed. But it wasn’t enough. I still can’t have sex with my husband. A few weeks ago I was looking online(the only way I have been able to find doctors and information about vaginismus) and thats when I stumbled across Dr. Pacik’s website. Botox treatment along with dilation therapy.  I was up all night reading the website and spent the next day filling out patient forms. Dr. Pacik has emailed me and even called me on the phone already.  I am honestly overwhelmed with Dr. Pacik’s compassion and willingness to help me. I am not used to doctors being this way.  I am going to New Hampshire in November to get treatment. I have hope again. I will overcome my vaginismus. With the support of my family and husband I know I will get through this. Words can’t explain how amazing my husband is. He has stood by me the entire time. He has been my rock. I thank God for him everyday. I deserve to have a healthy sex life with my husband. I deserve to be a mother one day. I deserve to feel like a woman who is not broken. This is the story of my struggle so far with vaginismus, but it is NOT the end.  I am very anxious and ready to leave for treatment.  I will keep you all posted on the end of my journey. Until then..
     
    Allie:)
     
    ..”Each time He said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness..” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
     
     

    #10023
    Dr. Pacik
    Participant

    I am so happy that Allie posted this. It is so important for others to know they are not freaks. None of us want to go public with “our problems”. Everyone has a skeleton or two rattling around in the closet. First and foremost we are humans. We are not perfect. It takes a great deal of courage to bare one’s soul to others, yet the benefits are enormous. What a wonderful community we have formed. What another writes gives definition to what we are feeling. We of course learn from each other. The support that women give each other is amazing. Tears rolled down my face as I read stories of other women with the same problem.
    And then there is the simple act of catharsis so we don’t have to carry around this baggage anymore once it is in the open.
    I would encourage everyone to write their story. I plan to post this under “Stories”. It is so important to tell it the way it is. Only in this way will we dismantle the walls of silence and isolation. Only in this way will we educate ourselves and hopefully the rest of the world someday.

    #10026
    HS
    Participant

    Dear Allie,

    Your story gets my tears out! I am feeling your hardness as I am seeing my wife is suffering as well for the same reason.

    We experienced three doctors who did not give us the right diagnosis, thus their suggested advice and treatment were not right!

    we are in the second year experiencing vaginsimus and we recently knew that we are NOT alone. we’ve been reading some stories for suffering women around the world and we can’t imagine how strange is the salience around this problem!

    After googling it, We were in touch with Dr. Pacik and we felt the real compassion of him as he quickly replied to our email and friendly broke the ice wall by talking to me as soon as I invited him in Skype. we can’t appreciate that enough. he showed a very good attitude towards us which made us hurry up to make the decision to travel to him for treatment.

    Today, we have decided to have a trip to Dr. Pacik whose clinic is thousands miles away as we live in the Middle East.

    I wish us a very successful treatment, and good luck with your marriage life.

    Regards

    HS

    #10027
    Allie
    Participant

    Thanks for replying HS. I will be praying and thinking of you and your wife. I look forward to reading how her treatment goes!

    #10028
    mmHeather34
    Moderator

    Allie, I, too am so happy that you posted your story. It seriously brought tears to my eyes and I just want you and HS to both know how much I feel for you and I am here to support you 100% through your journey of overcoming vaginismus. Please ask any questions at all that you may have prior to your procedure and, again, know that you now have a wonderful community of support.

    #10030
    Catherine
    Participant

    Allie —

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I could not wait to share it with my husband, especially since our story is so similar to yours. We are so sorry that you have had to suffer so much isolation and grief. Heart-wrenching. The good news — you are now on the right road! My husband and I are still elated that – post Dr. Pacik & his treatment- we now actually have a sexual relationship. Given your timeline – you are set up for an incredible Christmas gift! If you have any additional questions, please ask. AND, if you (and/or your husband) would like to talk with us via phone, please ask Dr. Pacik for our contact information.

    #10033
    Allie
    Participant

    Thanks Catherine! It’s so encouraging to hear that you had great success! I will definitely contact you if I have any questions! Thanks again! 🙂

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