Motivation after bad experience?

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    Ok, so I’ve been trying to have sex for years, and I feel so worthless and awful because I can’t. After being rejected by someone I really liked after telling them I had vaginismus, I finally decided to see a sexologist and face my problem. After a horribly painful experience trying to get the smallest dilator in, I ended up crying and just going home. What can I do to get my motivation back and to feel comfortable trying again? I’m in college and I desperately want to have casual relationships and be able to have sex. Vaginismus just makes me feel like such a failure. I hate it.


    Hi Stevie! I’m so sorry to hear about your experience, though it sounds like a very familiar one. I figured out in college that I had vaginismus and I remember the early grief and discouragement of feeling like I was at the bottom of a well I’d have to pull myself out of without a rope. It’s okay to feel all that you’re feeling and to grieve the normalcy that wasn’t granted to you.

    But you’re not a failure; you’re already trying to find solutions, which makes you brave and strong and the eventual recipient of change. It’s just a matter of time.

    The thing that I hope will keep you motivated is the knowledge (which you’ll see supported by further evidence in the form of so many other voices here) that vaginismus is FULLY TREATABLE in a way that most issues of the body aren’t. I’m two years out from my procedure (and from finally having sex) and to this day it’s hard for me to believe how completely normal I am now. No one I met now would (or does!) ever know that sexually there was anything wrong with me, which is crazy after the ten years I spent feeling guilty and miserable and like a failure. Yet I made it here to the other shore.

    The ways you’ve tried so far may not have worked, but there are others. You can keep working at dilating; you can see a pelvic floor therapist; you can speak to a therapist; you can get the botox procedure. There are always other ways. I believe with my whole heart that you’ll find one. And we’re all here for you, cheering you on and happy to answer questions. You’ll get there. I know it.

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