I don’t know what to try

[dizzie]

Hi,
I’ve always had an issue and think I may have vaginismus.

I’ve never been able to insert a tampon, have an internal gyno exam, nor have sex. I’m in my 40s.
I am lucky in that my spouse also did not have a lot of sexual history and we met later in life, but he is getting frustrated I can tell. We do have a lot of other stresses which I’m sure don’t help but anything I’ve tried so far has not made any dent. In addition to tightness/can’t penetrate and prickly/sharp/burning pain down there I also start crying even if I’m fully present and trying to go forward with whatever. Even thinking about the subject can make me cry which is super frustrating. I have a sort of rando sex drive (don’t think about it most of the time) but sometimes with him I can go like 0 to 60 but then it doesn’t happen.

Things I’ve tried:
Normal (CBT) therapy
Meditations
Pelvic floor PT
Sex therapist
Online, self-administered EMDR

The sex therapist I saw for ~10 sessions over a few months. She agrees with my suspicion I was molested as an infant. This is based on a story from my mom one time when she was buzzed plus her actions after the event (pulling me from that babysitter and staying out of the workforce for a year or so until they found a better one), and refused to ever talk about again. She also said that my husband needed to come with in future sessions and he refused at the time. He was dealing with a weed issue and says he doesn’t remember. I’ve had mixed messages from him on it on how much he wants to help. He tried a little bit with some manual exercises and he said he feels traumatized since I’m crying and/or in pain and he didn’t want to do more. I was never able to get my finger or a dilator in; he got his finger in a tiny bit once. We are talking about trying again lately though again he is afraid of hurting me. IDK I’m kind of assuming it will hurt and am whatever about it, but the sex therapist advised against just “busting through”. He also has anxiety and ED which doesn’t help, tho the pill works v well for him.

IDK what I should be doing at this point. I’m even considering the use of various “substances” but I really don’t feel like that’s the best idea long term or if that even really solves anything.

OK would love any thoughts.

[srhsrh]

I’m also dealing with vaginismus and know how emotionally draining it can be when you’ve tried so much already. That overwhelming reaction you mentioned, crying, pain, shutting down, hits close to home, and I’ve also felt unsure about how much my partner wants to be involved, even when they say they care. What’s helped me a bit is taking really small steps, like just getting comfortable with external touch or even just holding a dilator nearby without trying to insert it, and writing down feelings after. I’ve also thought about using substances, but I worry it would just numb things temporarily without actually helping long term.

[mazemelissa]

Hi Dizzie, Welcome to the forum.
It does sound like vaginismus you are struggling with.

Anxiety is often a central component of vaginismus, your body’s involuntary fear/phobia of penetration, which then creates tension and spasm of the vaginal muscles which make it painful and often impossible to penetrate.

The core of a home treatment program will be working on anxiety reduction, and slow penetration with dilators, learning to desensitze yourself and continue to reduce fear surrounding the penetration. This can take a while, but often once you start with the smallest dilators, and can have some success, continueing to work up in size gets easier. Anxiety medications can be helpful as well.

If a home program is unsuccessful, and you can not get even the smallest dilator sizes inserted, than you can consider coming to Maze for our procedure using Botox injections and progressive vaginal dilation under anesthesia. The procedure helps to treat the muscle tension with the botox and the dilation, but also help with the anxiety and fear, as we will insert a large dilator into your vagina while you are asleep under anesthesia, and then you wake up from the anesthesia with the dilator inside of you. We also numb the vaginal area, so you don’t feel any significant pain. When you wake up from the anesthesia, you are quite relaxed, as the medicaitons used are great for anxiety, and we then guide you and educate you on how to do dilation exercises. This has been very powerful for our patients who have never been able to dilate before. It really helps them connect their mind and body. Something that was once impossible, is now possible.

Another benefit of the procedure, is that we often find women have unusually thick or tight hymenal rings. And we are able to cut these and create a wider more open vaginal entrance, which helps tremendously for ease of penetration.

For women who feel like they have tried everything, this procedure can be a game changer.

Melissa