"I can't believe I am doing this!!!"

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Home Forums Vaginismus Support Group Vaginismus Dilating "I can't believe I am doing this!!!"

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    Hi all. In an earlier post, Melissa has written: “It really is amazing how women who have never been able to have any type of vaginal penetration, will be able to successfully dilate right after the botox procedure. It is not uncommon for my patients to say in the recovery room, “I can’t believe I am doing this!”

    I was never able to achieve any form of penetration prior to having my Botox procedure (i.e. dilator, tampon, gyn exam, hubby finger/penis). Nothing was possible despite wanting to be able to do it and trying to will myself, drink in excess, etc… I was extremely terrified at the thought of dilating post-procedure and knew that I would be the one person it would not work on. I just could not envision myself ever doing it until it happened and I did it and went through it. I woke up from my Botox procedure with the dilator inside of me and this was the first time anything had been inside of me and it didn’t hurt at all. I then immediately felt like I had to pee. I removed the dilator, went to the bathroom, and in a standing position, was able to reinsert the same dilator (which was coated with surgilube/lidocaine). The “great wall” (as the hubby called it) of resistance that I always felt was no longer there and I could insert dilators and, 2 weeks post-procedure, my hubby. If you are terrified of the dilating, I hope this post touches you in some way. I was definitely one of the patients who said “I can’t believe I am doing this!!!” and my husband, too, who participated with me couldn’t believe it as well and it was so important and helpful for him to be there right with me as he could see and believe that something could be inside of me and not cause the normal pain that I experienced with each try.


    I totally had this moment as well! It’s funny because on one hand you know EXACTLY what will happen because you’ve been so thoroughly prepped beforehand, but at the same time seeing exactly what’s been promised comes as a total shock. A lot of us have had vaginismus so long that we’ve felt damaged and stuck in one place we’ll never be able to get out of, so when we see ourselves moving forward it can feel almost unbelievable. It’s shocking what we can be capable of when we move in the direction of growth!

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