Hello well heres my Story.
Find support and treatment options from participants and Maze Women’s Health staff.
February 12, 2013 at 6:17 pm #8814Brittney87Participant
Hello my name is Brittney and I pretty sure I have vaginismus. When I was a little girl around age two or three I was diagnosed with Reflex Kidney Disease. Its when the connection between the ureters and the bladder malfunctions. So when the bladder contracts during urination, the openings from the ureters into the bladder do not squeeze shut. This allows urine to go in the wrong direction, back up toward the kidneys, when the bladder muscle contracts.
From their scale from 5 being the worse and 1 being the mildest, I was a 4. Surgery is required at stage 3. In order for them to come up with this diagnosis, I must be catheterized. This is where the fun begins…
Through a miracle and praying, my number when down to a 2. So no surgery for me. 🙂
-However… the doctor said I can either get the surgery or outgrow it and the the odds of me outgrowing it would be about 20% to 25% chance. I was in luck because I did out grow it. However I was required to visit the hospital once a year through out my whole childhood to be catheterized to see my progress. And thats how I believe I have developed vaginismus.
When they catheterized me, for some reason it was the most excruciating pain. I would be laying on the table and they would stick a tube in my (pee hole area without any numbing) and it hurt so bad I screamed and cried. I didn’t understand why they didn’t make it easier. Why didn’t they numb me or even realize that this is too painful for me? Every year I had to go do the same thing. Ever since, I can remember developing a huge fear of any kind of penetration. My mother told me that the hole they put the cather in is in a different hole from where I have a baby from. Hearing this for some reason didn’t help my fear at all even though I understood what she was saying.
Around age 10 I begged my mom to never take me to the hospital again. I told her that I couldn’t do it anymore. It was torching me, my fears and my anxiety. None of my doctors didn’t do anything about the pain or how it made me feel. At the time when they told my mother I must go to the hospital, she told them no. When I was older she told me that she didn’t know why she told them no but she felt the urge to tell them that they need to leave me alone and that what I had I will outgrow it therefore there is no need for me to go through this anymore. She was right, while it was risky, by that age I begin to recover.
At this age I outgrew the burning and the condition. I developed a new side effect from outgrowing it called overactive bladder. I would have the sudden urge to urinate really bad and only urinate a little with the effect of having spasms afterwards. I had accidents all the time till I was put on medication for it. Around age 13 or 14 I outgrew it too. Today I have a very mild case of it and have to be careful of how much caffeine I have because it will aggravate it. I also don’t need anymore medication.
When I reached puberty. I developed a yeast infection and was told to use Monistat suppositories. I was too scared to put anything in me, I tried it and it was too painful to use. I got over it by using cream instead luckly. I had a few in my life and overcame them using cream.
When I started my period, I refused to use tampons. I didn’t understand how girls used them without having any discomfort. I tried and it once again and it was too painful for me. I used pads instead. The thought of using one today sounds too painful.
When I was around 21 I got curious to know why do I fear penetration so much. Why is that girls can have sex and it not hurt at all, use tampons, or any kind of penetration? I thought really hard. It took me a little while but then it came to me. It remembered when it started when I was around age two and three and going to the hospital to get cauterized. I have never been raped or had any kind of abuse to cause this fear. But I have heard it can come about for no reason but I assumed my reason is what I went through.
I did some internet research and I found out about a rare condition called vaginismus that seem to describe me. The only condition really. I schedule an doctor’s appointment and told them to look at me to see if everything is normal. The procedure was too painful to go through but they told me I was normal. I was thinking not being able to use tampons is NOT NORMAL or is this weird fear. I mentioned to them I have tried doing some research and asked them have they heard of a condition called vaginismus. I felt like they looked at me like I was crazy and they said they never heard of it before which let me tell you was VERY encouraging to me…. (Sarcastically) -_- But later I read plenty of stories of women getting the same treatment so at least I didn’t feel as alone.
Around age 23 I met my future fiance. Let me tell you, he is the love of my life and with love comes intimacy. Its not that I’m scared to have sex. I want to show him how much I love him including that kind of way. I am unable to have sex because my fear starts kicking in when I try and my legs will shake a lot. No matter how much I relax and have confidence that I can beat this fear, it always wins. He can’t get in me even a little without it being so painful.
I know I am getting married in a few years and I want to have kids and live a life like a normal woman. I want to be normal like everyone else. It scares me to know that I should have had my first pelvic examine a long time ago to know that I’m healthy. It makes me sad at times I have this condition and no one understands how I feel. My fiance is very understanding and I told him sorry its this way but I must get it fixed somehow. He is such a sweet heart and understood that this is something that can’t go away by itself. I’m busy with work and school right now but I have heard a place in Atlanta when they treat vaginismus. I plan on going some time when I’m not in school or when I have insurance. But I’m terrified all at the same time to get it treated. The thought of getting treated terrifies me but at the same time living with this the rest of my life is no option for me.February 12, 2013 at 6:44 pm #11074Brittney87Participant
I just feel so alone and wonder how am I ever am going to get over this. It feels almost impossible. I can’t even get a q-tip in me and my fear is so big I don’t even try anymore. I used to wonder why did God make me a woman if He knew I would have this horrible fear? I know better now being that I have grown close to Him but I still feel very sad about it at times. It truly rules my life and my self-esteem. I wouldn’t want anyone to go through this and feel sorry for the people that do. However I feel so happy knowing that there is help and that I’m not alone even though most of the time I do feel that way. My biggest fear is never overcoming it. That I will never be able to be intimate with my husband, have kids, or what if I become sick and not know till its too late.February 13, 2013 at 1:29 am #11079NakitalabParticipant
Hi Brittney87, I’m so so sorry for all that you have gone through. Bless your heart, it is no wonder you have struggled with everything that you went through as a child. Please, please know you are no longer alone. I suffered with Vaginismus for over 34 years and was misdiagnosed, tried everything under the sun to overcome it, to no avail until I stumbled across this website last year. Like you I was not able to use tampons, couldn’t have a pelvic exam and was not able to have intercourse. I couldn’t understand why I was such a freak. I was obsessed with sex…looking at every girl/woman thinking oh it is so easy for them, why is it so difficult for me. I felt so alone, and my self-esteem was at the lowest. I had been on anti-depressants for many years. But what a blessing, after all of these years to find this website, Dr. Pacik and his team. The Forum alone has been such an encouragement for me. To know that I wasn’t a freak, I wasn’t alone still brings tears to my eyes. It has been 112 days since my procedure and it is the best decision that I have ever made. I just knew that I would be the one that it didn’t work for, especially since I was 52 years old and have had it for so long. But it did work! It does work! And I know that it can work for you too! Please contact Dr. Pacik. He is the most kind, caring and compassionate doctor you will ever meet and even if you aren’t able to have the procedure right away he can answer your questions and help you to understand that you are not alone in this. Please, please, please use this Form to vent, share your feelings as well as to be encouraged. You are not alone anymore, Brittney. I’m here for you 24/7 just like so many others are. I’m praying for you. :0)February 13, 2013 at 6:47 am #11080Janet PacikParticipant
Hi Brittney87, My heart goes out to you too. You must just remember that there is hope. Dr. Pacik’s botox treatment for vaginismus is successful and will be available for you when you are ready. If you would like me to send you some information, I suggest that you fill out the contact form on this website http://www.vaginismusmd.com/contact/. In the meantime, the VaginismusMD Forum is here for you.February 13, 2013 at 7:21 am #11081AllieParticipant
Wow, you have definitely been through a lot. You are no longer alone. It’s been almost 4 months since my procedure and let me tell you I feel like my life is just beginning! Before treatment, like you, I couldn’t even insert a q-tip. Now I am using the dilators daily with ZERO pain or anxiety. And after 6 years of marriage my husband and I can finally have pain free enjoyable sex.
I thought I would never overcome this. I even had doubts about the treatment, but it was the absolute best decision I’ve ever made. Dr. P and his staff are amazing and have a heart to help women like us! With Dr. P’s treatment plan you can and you will overcome vaginismus. Just know that you are NOT alone anymore! We are all here for you.
“But He said to me , “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness..” 2 Corinthians 12:9February 13, 2013 at 9:01 am #11083Heather34Participant
Hi Brittney. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us and I’m so, so sorry for your struggles with vaginismus. Please know that you are not alone anymore with your feelings and your journey of overcoming and we are all here to support you. While suffering with vaginismus, I felt so many of the feelings that you describe. I, too, was never able to insert even a q-tip and I felt so embarrassed and ashamed when I tried to “will” myself to get through ob/gyn exams only to have it fail again and to leave in tears. I suffered with this in complete silence for too many years of my life while smiling and pretending that everything was perfect and I definitely had tremendous doubt that I would ever be able to be cured. Despite this, and like you, I persevered and researched on my own and found Dr. Pacik’s website. I had his procedure and it was the best decision of my life as it WORKS and my husband and I were able to make love (pain-free) within 7 days. Another thing that I wanted to share with you is that the procedure is affordable as well. As you have researched on-line, you may have come across different vaginismus treatments that are in excess of $13,000 (not including hotel and flight). This treatment is not even close to that expensive and is often either covered in full or in part by insurance. I would definitely encourage you to contact the office and inquire about receiving Dr. Pacik’s Botox procedure for vaginismus. Prior to the procedure, I thought I would be the only one that it wouldn’t work for and I had doubts too. It worked, however, and I am cured today (thank God). Please know that this can happen for you as well and have hope that you too will be cured. We are all here to support you and I look forward to reading more of your posts soon.
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