Had my Procedure on 2/24/14!

[Becca]

I had my procedure on 2/24 and what a week it has been! 🙂 My husband and I made a trip out of it and spent the rest of the week sightseeing and enjoying the area, there is so much to see/do!

I am so thankful for the opportunity to meet Dr. Pacik and all of his wonderful staff. This has definitely been an emotional week for me. When I first woke up after my procedure I remember asking my husband “Did I have the spasms?” and he confirmed that yes, I did, and I just started crying saying how I was so glad I wasn’t crazy! My biggest fear before coming for treatment was that I would get there and be told that I didn’t have vaginismus and they couldn’t “fix me”. I was SO THANKFUL when I woke up and that was not the case! It was the strangest feeling to have the #6 dilator in when I woke up. I have struggled some with getting back to the bigger dilators, but was able to get #5 in today, so that was great! 🙂

I don’t know if any other women have had this happen but I thought the jar of lube I was sent home from the office with was the slippery stuff lube, I didn’t realize it was a surgilube/lidocaine mix. I was having INTENSE dryness, the first day/night because all I used was that mix and it left me dry, hurting and feeling like I was ripping my skin off to try and pull the dilators back out after leaving them in for a few hours or overnight. It literally took me 20 minutes of sobbing to get the #4 out later that day, it was easily one of the most painful things I have ever experienced. 🙁 The next day I talked to Dr. Pacik and Ellen about it and they got me a little jar of the slippery stuff to use and it has been MUCH better since then. So to any ladies in the future, just make sure you’re using “real” lube and hopefully you can avoid that problem!

To my procedure buddy Julie, thank you so much for being a great support and encouragement! My husband and I both felt incredibly comfortable with you and your sister (tell her hi for me!) and I’m thankful to say I have a new friend! 🙂 I am so excited for the new life ahead of us both! 🙂

There was another woman treated the day I was there and she chose to keep things more private – which I can understand why she would wrestle with that. A – I just want to say that we all understand what you are going through, I really just wanted to give you a hug and let you know you’re not alone! I am keeping you in my prayers in your journey and hope that all is going well with you.

Thank you again, Dr. Pacik (and all the amazing staff!) for what you do everyday for Vaginismus patients. I feel alive with hope for the first time in SO LONG and I am so, so thankful for you and all the time and effort you put into spreading the news about this condition.

[Heather34]

Hi Becca. Huge, huge CONGRATS on having your procedure. Your post brought tears to my eyes and I am so, so very happy for you!!! :):):):)

[Becca]

Thanks, Heather! 🙂 I still can’t believe it has come and gone…so crazy!

[Becca]

So, just wanted to update! I am 9 days post procedure and amazed at the difference between now and before the procedure!! My anxiety/emotion levels have dropped *drastically*. I was in a pretty depressed/defeated state of mind when I went to NH. I feel so much better than I did two weeks ago! Last night I was able to get the #5 in almost pain free (it took me 6 minutes to get it all the way in), tonight I was able to get it in, in 3 minutes! And had it in pain free for over an hour! 🙂 I haven’t used the lidocaine since day 2 post procedure – which is so shocking to me. I am now able to get my dilators in “by feel” and no longer need a mirror when putting them in. Also, I always insert my dilators laying down because for my nerves that has always made me the most comfortable. Last night I was able to insert the #4 before bed while standing up! I did it again today and it went in so easily. I am just feeling SO encouraged and SO empowered. I feel like, for the first time in my life, I am in control of my own body and am becoming comfortable with it. It has been incredible to see the changes that have taken place so far, and I am so excited about all the rest to come!

To anyone that is considering the Botox treatment, I cannot tell you enough what a drastic change this has made in my life already. Yeah, I was a terrified, anxious, depressed ball of nerves when I got on the plane to go to NH, but I thank God that He provided the way and gave me the courage to go! You definitely won’t regret having the treatment, my only regret is that I didn’t find out about Dr. Pacik and his incredible work sooner!!

[Dr. Pacik]

Becca, I am thrilled with your progress! Your post is of great importance to others. Depressed, discouraged and despair are common in vaginismus because of an inability to get the correct diagnosis and treatment, while any attempts at intercourse result in severe pain, causing ongoing struggles with relationship. It is a very upsetting mix of emotions. That you are able to overcome these emotions so quickly is related to the fast progress you have made and being in control of your destiny. What a difference!

You had a number of failed treatments so it is not that you did not try and certainly not “in your head”. I think there would be value to others if you could delineate these treatments, how long you were treated and the outcome as you itemized in the questionnaire that you completed.

I look forward to your continued posts. They are so important to help empower others who are still struggling.

[Becca]

Just wanted to say that I got #6 in this morning for the first time since I woke up with it in post procedure! 🙂 And tonight I just got #5 in for the first time with no discomfort at all, and it went in easily. 🙂 Makes me feel good to see such progress!! 🙂

Also, thank you Dr. Pacik, I will try and write a post tomorrow that goes over all my failed treatments.

[Janet Pacik]

Becca, Congratulations! That is such wonderful news. With the #5 causing no discomfort and you being able to use the #6, you are definitely on your way!!!

[Becca]

So as Dr. Pacik was asking, I will write down my different treatments and all of that for others to see. For me, I went in phases of feeling super motivated to get this taken care of and then super depressed. Like I would work really hard, going to Dr appointments, counseling, etc, etc for a year, and then not do anything at all for a year and a half. That sort of cycle on repeat for 6 1/2 years. It was just SO exhausting ( in every way!) to work so hard at something that I just could not make any progress towards resolving.

The first thing I did after speaking to my regular care doctor three different times about it (and getting nowhere, she was less than helpful and quite rude and hurtful). After that my husband and I were googling my symptoms trying to find out what was wrong with me. We found the vaginismus.com website and I went ahead and ordered the kit with the books and dilators. After it came I let the box sit unopened for a few months, then finally pulled the books and dilators out. The dilators were terrifying, but I decided to read the books and try and go through the steps they had. I worked on trying to get the q-tip in for a LONG TIME (months and months) but I couldn’t get the q-tip in so I just gave up. That was in 2009 that I gave up. After that experience I did not do anything for over a year, we just went about our daily life with the big elephant in the room that we never talked about. It wasn’t until I found out that my sister-in-law and best friend were both pregnant in the spring of 2010 that I had the worst depression/emotional meltdown of my life. I literally cried all day, every day. I would cry off and on at work, at Church, when we were at people’s houses, everywhere. It was insane, and embarrassing because I couldn’t explain to anyone why I was so sad, but I could not make myself stop crying either. I just felt so broken and so angry. Finally in late July (2010) I confided in my Aunt, she was only the 2nd person (outside of Dr’s) that I ever told about it. That was a huge turning point for me, because she has been very proactive and involved in trying to help me get through this. Immediately after that my Aunt helped me find a local Christian counselor who handled marriage/sex issues and I saw her for about a year and a half and it was a HUGE help. My counselor was the one who recommended the OBGYN I now see. After meeting this new doctor and having my first failed exam, she immediately told me she was sure I did indeed have vaginismus. She recommended putting me under anesthesia to give me a full exam and also a hymenectomy. I had that done in April of 2011. Previous to this I had finally been able to get the q-tip inserted, but could not successfully do it everytime and it was very uncomfortable and painful. After my hymenectomy my Dr ordered silicone pediatric dilators and adult dilators for me to use since the vaginismus kit ones were only big and plastic. A few months after my hymenctomy I was able to get some of my smaller dilators in but it was incredibly stressful, painful and uncomfortable. I could not get them in every time either, it was completely hit or miss and so discouraging. My doctor then recommended I go to Pelvic Floor Physical Therapy, which I agreed to do. My Physical Therapist was the kindest, sweetest woman, but it was still SO painful and uncomfortable and same thing I would just sweat buckets with nerves and shake the whole time, and it wasn’t actually making any difference in my ability to get dilators in on my own. I saw her for 20+ sessions and then quit going because my back had been acting up and it was just too painful. After that I just fell off the radar again and didn’t do anything for over a year until I found out about this Botox treatment. I then made an appointment to go in and see my OBGYN to inform her of what we were going to do. I remember she told me “you’re so close to beating this, I just know it” – trying to say that I didn’t need to go all the way to NH and pay all that money, I just needed to keep progressing with the dilators myself. I told her that wasn’t true and Joel and I both felt that this was our only option. She was very curious to hear more about this procedure though and I gave her this website and told her to check it out. 🙂

Anyways, sorry that is SO LONG. So basically, I tried going through the dilators on my own and that was not successful. Had a hymenectomy, pelvic floor physical therapy, counseling. Oh yeah, and my doctor had given me various doses of muscle relaxers, and suggested other more natural things for me to take to help my mood/anxiety because I told her I did not want to go on anxiety or depression medication. The last (almost) 7 years we have been married have been so ridiculous with all of this Vaginismus stress, I am very much looking forward to beating this once and for all and moving on with our life!

I will say that last night I cried for the first time since day 2 pp. I was talking with a couple people about how I was doing and just talking about how awful the last few years have been dealing with all of this and it just made me really emotional. I think that Vaginismus is definitely one of those life events that will leave a huge, raw emotional wound in my heart for the rest of my life. It’s stolen time and moments from my life that I can never get back, and that is something that is definitely worth grieving, but I also am so encouraged that hopefully these days are behind us.

[kelseroo]

Oh Becca, your post made me cry so much! I know exactly how you feel. Its so true that you grieve for experiences and happiness lost through the years of dealing with vaginismus. I feel like dealing with this has made me an emotional, angry, fragile version of myself that I hate. I tell myself “I’m not this person” but of course I have been since I got married and discovered vaginismus. It is so frustrating.
Its amazing the things you give up when you have vaginismus. Because of all the money you have to spend on treatments, you give up trips you might have taken with your husband, or fun things you would have done. The toll this takes is so much more than “no sex.”
I’m so glad you have had your procedure and are progressing. I can’t wait till mine April 22nd! Keep up the effort and positive thoughts- I know I will probably need your encouragement too after my procedure. We can all help each other. You are doing great!

[Becca]

Kelseroo,
I have struggled in the same way – feeling like vaginismus has completely changed who I used to be (happy, positive, able to find the silver lining in everything) to being someone who is easily angered and agitated, grumpy and sensitive – especially with my husband. I feel so bad I am so quick to become angry with him over *nothing* and I know that it is because of this constant stress in my life. 🙁 I think that is honestly just another part of how vaginismus is such a torture to deal with. It DEFINITELY is more than just “no sex” – you said that right! People truly don’t understand how it seeps into every part of your being and your life. That is one of the things I love about the Forum. I love knowing that these women GET IT. You guys are walking in my same shoes and you know how much it sucks. As much as I love the people in my life that I have shared this with, they will never understand.

I wish so much I could get back all of the time and moments this has taken from me. I was just talking with my cousin about it the other day (he does not know details, just knows that I can’t get pregnant) and I was telling him how sad I am that I am not going to be a “young mom”. I know I’m only 28, but my dream my entire life was to get married and have babies – I thought for sure I would have babies young, and I wanted to be a young mom, that way I could still be young when my kids were grown. Even if I get pregnant now (and I sure hope I can!) it will still be the death of a dream for me. Yes, I can still have my dream of having babies (hopefully) but it won’t be the same and there is still part of me that is going to grieve that.

That was totally a little rabbit trail, sorry about that. 🙂

I am excited for you to have your procedure too! Your appointment is the day after my Anniversary. 🙂 You will definitely have to keep us updated on the forum! If you have any questions or anything about how everything goes I would love to answer them for you. 🙂