Finally- an update!

[Possum]

Hi all,

Sorry for the very delayed update. My husband and I travelled to NH back on the 11th of Dec from Australia. After the surgery we spent 4 weeks travelling the east coast of America and got back home a few days ago. I have been apprehensive to update as my experience was a lot harder and more painful than I expected it to be. I didn’t want to scare any future patients off, so I put off writing on here until now but I’ve decided to update anyway as I’m sure I’m not the only one that found it difficult! So here goes!

When we arrived the day before the scheduled surgery we went to Dr Paciks office and signed all the paperwork then. Everyone was lovely and helpful and reassuring. I felt confident and was very ready to deal with everything head on. Later that night I got to meet Nicole29 who was also there for the surgery. We’d been emailing fairly regularly and were instantly friends when we met! I can’t tell you what a support its been going through everything with someone who gets it! She is an amazing woman and I’m so glad to now call her my friend!

So the morning of was ok- I was nervous, but confident. Dr Pacik was lovely and Lisa and the other staff, so kind. Before we knew it we were getting prepped- Nicole29 went first. Not long after, the anaesthesiologist gave me a relaxant to help with my nerves and in I went. Well I was doing well until my legs went in the stirrups. I went into panic mode and got super anxious. I remember being very distressed and my husband trying to comfort me. So that Dr Pacik can determine which muscles need the Botox, he needs to try and examine you while you are going under, to feel which muscles are contracting, but unfortunately my anxiety was too high and I made this impossible. I don’t remember anything after a minute or so as they increased the anaesthetic, but Dr P said I ‘danced’ all over the table trying to get away from him despite having a lot of anaesthetic, and not being aware of anything around me. Dr P could then see I had severe level 5 vaginismus. As well as that I had a very restrictive hymen and he needed to cut that in order to release it, as it made entry of anything quite difficult. I’m told after, that the procedure went well and I woke up with the large blue glass dilator in. I had little pain at that time, but as I’m super sensitive to any meds, I was fairly out of it And don’t remember much. I kept the dilator in for a while until I needed to use the bathroom- and it slipped out- I remember being shocked to see that it actually fit inside me! Previously I couldn’t even stick a Qtip near that area without panicking!

I don’t remember much after that but went back to the hotel with the small blue in, as I was experiencing some pain from the hymenotomy, and Dr P thought it would be more suitable than the purple to sleep with that night. When we got back to the hotel I crashed and slept, waking about 1am. This was probably the hardest time for me as I needed to use the bathroom and at that point, the anaesthetic had lessened, the dilator had dried (due to some blood from the hymenotomy) and I was incredibly sore. However I had a warm bath, that was very soothing and was finally able to dilate again with the help of my husband.

The next day we went in for the counselling sessions and lessons. I was able to dilate up to purple when we arrived, was so excited and got a little ahead of myself and thought I’d try the pink- ladies I encourage you- don’t rush!! My confidence was a bit knocked as I experienced a lot of pain with rushing it, and had those familiar ‘I’m such a failure’ thoughts. Dr P was awesome though and told me I needed to stop that thinking and realise I can’t fail at something I’ve never done before! This helped a lot!

The counselling sessions were great- and yes Dr Pacik, I was paying attention- (I was rather sleepy in that nice cosy bed!) and Dr Pacik helped answer a lot of questions. It was great sharing the experience with Nicole29 too. She was so brave and determined and was so encouraging! We even went out to celebrate that evening at a place called the ‘copper door’- go if you get the chance! We had such a great evening and laughed and laughed- something vaginismus had stopped me being able to do for a long time. Finally a sense of relief and freedom, from the nightmare of vaginismus.

I won’t go into much more detail as I’ve waffled on for long enough, but I am slowly making progress. I’ve kept up with the dilating- had a few challenges here and there, but have been doing much better now the pain from the hymenotomy is gone. The most amazing thing is I’m anxiety free when dilating now- even after not dilating for 4 days due to my period, I was able to dilate straight away without pain or anxiety.

We have attempted intercourse twice- the first time I even dilated to pink beforehand. After about an hour of trying, we managed to have some insertion, however I couldn’t really tell if it was in very much or not and neither could my husband. It was too sore to go much further so we stopped. I emailed Dr P about it, and he felt I needed to focus on becoming way more comfortable with the pink dilator and not to rush the process for the sake of ‘fixing’ our problem- but rather waiting till we’re ready. It was hard that it didn’t just happen (nor again the second time), but I am way too stubborn to give up now, and know we will be successful- even if it takes longer than some. Also being able to dilate regularly is a huge encourager as I know that sex is now possible- and that it will happen at the right time! A big thing that Dr P encouraged me with, is when I find dilating hard- start small! There is nothing wrong with going smaller- I found it was easier to start small to build my confidence and then dilate up.

So sorry for the massive story, but that’s where I’m at! I still have a long journey ahead emotionally, as my self-esteem and confidence were severely damaged from having vaginismus, and I’m going to be getting counselling to help with that, but I know I will succeed now physically and that in itself was the major battle! So thank you, thank you, thank you, Dr P and your amazing team- I pray you can continue to change the lives of many as you have mine.

[Allie]

Hi Possum!

Wow! You have definitely been through a lot!! So happy to hear that you are progressing. You are doing awesome!!! And you are absolutely right, now you know sex is possible! And it WILL happen when it’s the right time! Can’t wait to continue reading your updates!!! 🙂

[Heather34]

This is such a wonderful post Possum and I am so, so happy for you! You have made tremendous progress in such a short period of time! Keep up the great work and I can’t wait to read your posts! :):):):)