25-year-old with vaginismus: My Story, So Far

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    So I have to admit that I’m not following Dr. Pacik’s program. A few years ago I bought the treatment kit from vaginismus.com, and have been using it off and on since. I just want somewhere to talk about it. It’s difficult, being single with vaginismus, and I don’t share that part of my life with my family or friends.

    I know my vaginismus is rooted in the feelings I developed about sex when I was a child. I had loving parents, but sex was something that just wasn’t talked about, or, if it came up, was discussed with great embarrassment. As I transitioned into adolescence I carried that embarrassment with me- I didn’t explore my own body, didn’t seek out relationships, and felt shameful about my own sexuality. One time when I was about 13 I tried using a tampon so I could go to a pool party. I was afraid and not ready but tried to force it in anyway …. which I did, but then panicked when I tensed up and couldn’t get it out again. I think that’s where it began.

    Anyway, I from that time until the time I was seventeen I left “down there” well enough alone …. I tried a couple more times to insert tampons with no luck whatsoever, but never masturbated. When I was seventeen I got my first boyfriend. Naturally, we became intimate and I began to learn more about my own sexuality and to become a little more comfortable with it. However, any time we tried penetration of any kind by body just wouldn’t accept it. I couldn’t insert so much as a q-tip. He was understanding (although very disappointed) but it was very shameful for me.

    That relationship ended a couple of years later, and since then I have not sought out another relationship. I bought the treatment kit from vaginismus.com and have been using the dialators off and on as I feel like it, in my own way. It’s about four of five years since then, and finally I feel that I have made enough progress to begin transitioning from the dialators (and a penis-sized vibrator) to having actual sex. My only problem is a lack of, well, a partner. I have thought about asking just anyone (“Excuse me, sir, could I borrow your penis for a couple of hours?”), but I really want to find someone I’m actually attracted to who is willing and patient, even if we don’t end up dating. So I’m in limbo. Any other ladies having this problem?

    And is anyone else frustrated by the fact that many medical doctors (and nurses) just don’t seem to understand or care about vaginismus? What the f??


    Hi girlonthemoon! Welcome to the Forum and thank you for your post. I had vaginismus all during my 20s and felt so many similar things as you describe. I never shared this part of my life with any of my best friends at the time and it was very hard as my then boyfriend/now husband and the few doctors we visited were the only ones who knew about it. I think it is so, so awesome that you have done so well with using the dilators and are ready to transition to intercourse. I haven’t had the same problem you describe as I’ve been with my hubby all through my 20s but I know that other Forum members have. In the past, one Forum member, who was single at the time of her treatment, wrote about her experience with transitioning post-vaginismus:

    “I had the opportunity to spend some time with the guy I was seeing and although I was nervous (about vaginismus, not about him) I pretended that “it’d had been a while” and I wanted to take it slow. He totally understood and we were able to achieve penetration on our “first” physical night, with little pain, lots of excitement and a lot of fun! Since then, it’s been getting better as I’ve learned to understand what I like, feel less nerves and become a bit more open with myself… he still has no idea about my struggles with vaginismus, and every now and then comments on how much better it is “now that we know each other”.”

    I 100% know that you will find someone who is patient and it will go great.

    I also am extremely frustrated that so many doctors and nurses know so little about vaginismus. The one thing that we can collectively do is work to advocate and educate so all people learn of it. In one of many of Dr. Pacik’s published clinical opinions, they included a table concerning comments that patient’s do not want to hear: http://www.vaginismusmd.com/support/vaginismus-md-forum/?mingleforumaction=viewtopic&t=755

    I also recently read an article from Maze Women’s Sexual Health about this topic:

    Shannon writes:

    “…[t]he other day I had a woman state that she had been to numerous doctors, who told her the pain she was experiencing was “in her head.” Rather than acknowledge this issue or explore it, they dismissed her, her feelings, even her symptoms!
    What does this patient do? Feeling hopeless, as if pain during intercourse is something she would have to endure the rest of her life, she goes to the internet and finds something called vaginismus, painful intercourse . She reads testimonials on various websites, and learns that other women also experience pain during intercourse and this is not something “in her head.”

    These women are, in fact, able to find treatment with specialists who have decades of experience with treatments, and which also house the newest solutions to this problem. At the Medical Center for Female Sexuality, we are able to treat patients with vaginismus relatively quickly in most cases; and most patients complete their treatment and go on to have satisfying, pain-free intercourse.

    I commend women on their tenacity to find an answer to this problem and to not settle for “it’s in your head,” even if it comes from a powerful influencer such as a medical doctor. We know our bodies better than anyone can because we feel what is happening. So, trust those feelings and if you feel something that doesn’t seem quite right or the way you thought it should be, search until you get your answer or until you can find someone who can answer and acknowledge and treat this condition.”

    Please know that I’m here for you always. I would love to hear from other Forum members here for their additional comments and thoughts.


    Dear Girl on the Moon,

    Welcome to the forum! We see many women in our practice who we treat for vaginismus and they don’t have partners. I always encourage them to look at this as a positive and not a negative. Focusing on yourself and becoming comfortable with your own body is going to be essential for when you want to transfer that to a partner. I think continued dilation is key. I think it is amazing that you are using a penis shaped vibrator. I always encourage this to my patients with no partners. It gives confidence that you “can get a penis inside”.

    Finding a supportive loving partner is challenging for all young women, not just women who have overcome vaginismus. You are in a totally different place than you were several years ago, and you are only 25! I think it is time to put yourself out there in the dating world, and trust that you will find a partner that you can be open and honest with. It might take some time, and going out on several dates, but I believe the right guy is out there for you.


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