Hi SFJ and welcome to the forum! Thank you so much for your post and sharing your story with us. You wrote “It took me years to learn how to explain (usually via letter because writing is easier for me) to an outsider exactly what it is, how I react, how it has radically impacted my ability or inability to form close relationships and effects almost all aspects of my day-to-day life.” This is so, so similar to how I felt for years SFJ and you are entirely correct that it is sometimes easier to explain just how you feel and all about vaginismus in writing. I also used to do this and found it an easier form of communication as well as I felt like nobody understood what I was trying to say. You also wrote “I’m currently actively trying to overcome it and I have a great therapist who is amazingly understanding and compassionate.” This is truly so, so important and wonderful that you found a supportive therapist. I found that it helped me beyond words to have this type of support to really discuss all aspects of vaginismus. I also just found her so helpful in discussing all of my feelings before I had the procedure and also post-procedure as well. You further wrote “I am really skeptical about Dr. Pacik’s methods … I get that it works, but I would really rather not be injected.” I was very nervous prior to my procedure to the point that I actually got physically sick (threw up) on the drive up to Dr. P’s office. I was a Lamont 5++ and had the severe anxiety/pain response with any attempt at penetration. This significantly impacted my life in just countless ways (i.e. never could wear a tampon, lied to friends, felt broken, negatively impacted all relationships, etc. etc. etc.). Meeting Dr. Pacik and his staff and having this procedure done last year was one of the best decisions of my life. Everything is honestly different now and most importantly, I just feel wonderful that I can now put all of the years of suffering behind me and live life vag-free. I can wear tampons, have successful ob/gyn exams for the first time ever, have pain-free intercourse, and I 100% know that I could never have done this and I would never be where I am right now if it wasn’t for Dr. Pacik and this procedure. It was truly life-changing for me and, again, one of the best decisions of my life. Finally, you wrote “even the word ‘dilator’ has come to freak me out.” I entirely get this as well. Prior to my procedure, I ordered dilators from vaginismus.com and could never insert them because they just scared me so much. I never ever thought I would be able to use a dilator and even the thought of having to try to learn how to do this made me incredibly anxious. However, when I actually woke up with the largest blue dilator inside of me and then was able to take it out and re-insert it again pain-free, I was in “awe” and so amazed that it worked. Dilators went from terrifying and impossible to something that I knew I could now do and it felt great.
I 100% believe in you and am here for you SFJ. I know you will overcome vaginismus and we are all here to support you in your journey. One of the greatest parts of the forum is we no longer have to experience the isolation that often accompanies vaginismus. Instead, we are all here for each other as we have been exactly where you are right now. I look forward to hearing more from you and reading more of your posts. Take care, H