Yes — I think, for me, one of the most embarrassing “episodes” surrounding my diagnosis came via the nurses and staff at my OB-GYN’s office. They seemed to look at me with incredulity, as if to say, “really? you can’t have sex?” There was this weird hush associated with “my problem.” There is a fine line, I suppose, between shame and embarrassment. I must admit, I had trouble believing that I was the only person in their practice who struggled in this way. At the time, though, the nurse’s look of shock (well, I’ve never heard of such a thinglook at these pictures of babies hanging on the walls…. you do realize you are at an obstetrician’s office, right?) really made me feel isolated. I also felt a heightened need to get this whole muscle spasm thing (for I still did not feel comfortable with the word Vaginismus) under control, and quick! (Looking back, I’m sure that nurse was just trying to be helpful, kind even. But, at the time, embarrassed was exactly how I felt!

That doctor suggested we order dilators. When they arrived at his office, they were wrapped in a discreet, white box. While this protected my privacy, I also felt very awkward picking them up. (Is this how specialized erotica arrives?, I wondered.) No one at the office was available to offer any additional assistance, nor was my doctor available. So, the staff just glanced at me, and then back at the box, and accepted my check. It felt … uncomfortable (to say the least).

My friend was with me in the car at the time, and – at that moment – I could not bring myself to disclose what was in this kit. I actually lied, and told her that my husband and I needed some prescription bug/anti-itch medication. I’d like to think that now – post procedure – I would have been more forthcoming….. but hard to fully know.